my life rolls on in endless song

Wednesday, 06/01/16, 4:12pm

I haven't much wanted to blog lately. Looking back on the last few days, I realize that's probably what I should have been doing. I don't know that I would call what I have a full-blown episode, but I've been feeling depressed.

I've been having a hard time this week returning to "normal". I still don't really know what that is, but I suppose not showering, not exercising, allowing more screen time for the kids than I'd like isn't quite what I'd like normal to look like. Of course I wasn't expecting TK to throw up Monday night. That threw a wrench in all the normal for the week.

I had my first therapy appointment today since Adam died, so there was a lot to say and discuss. I'm emotionally drained from that and I wasn't exactly going into it emotionally strong. The biggest help was recognizing that my feelings and emotions are normal and I shouldn't expect to be "normal" for awhile still. Grief takes time, and sometimes more complicated grief, like what we've all been left with in dealing with the grief of the mental illness as well still and the nature of Adam's death, can well, be more complicated. Add my depression on top of that...

My thoughts feel so jumbled lately. I think that's another reason I haven't wanted to write.

There can end up being a lot of societal expectations around how people deal with death and grieving. We expect people to go through the steps of grieving- denial, depression, anger... all the way to acceptance- and we expect people to go through them in order with a specific amount of time dedicated to each (even with grief, I think we expect people to spend a surprising little amount of time in the depression and anger stages). We have to understand though that most people go through different steps in different orders spending incredible lengths of time on certain steps and probably jumping back to acceptance at various points. I don't expect to arrive at acceptance and stay there for the rest of my life.

I end up having expectations of how I think Nasser should be grieving. And I worry when he doesn't follow what I expect. I remind myself that he has to grieve the way he needs to. And it's ok if he needs to not talk about it a lot with me. I am a more external, sharing person than him, and I've found a need to talk it through a lot with people. I don't think Nasser gains the same healing from that as I do.

Tomorrow, I have my first psychiatric appointment since Adam died and I expect it will be emotionally draining again. At least I had already emailed my therapist soon after he died to let her know and we both were prepared. My doctor doesn't know yet. Telling people in person is just that much harder.

This Friday will be three weeks. I can't believe that much time has passed and it's already June. I feel like time has stood still in some ways, passing by so slowly, and yet slipping by unnoticed. I've felt so completely not grounded. I'll find my footing again. I'll find that new "normal". But it's ok that it might take some time yet.