don't let yourself go 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Tuesday, 03/08/16, 10:09am

I feel so disappointed by the world, my life. Things don't turn out the way you expect, do they? People don't always act out of love and concern for others. Usually people act out of selfishness really, right? I do it to. We all do. We have to do what's best for us.

And yet, I still hope for things. I hope that people I share with will read my blog. I hope for people in my life to care about how I'm doing, and don't get me wrong, many of them do. Some don't show it beyond places like facebook, and many don't even show it there.

Why can't everyone be caring and empathetic towards each other?

Lately I've been wondering about my blog. Wondering if it's worth sharing with others. Wondering if it's worth sharing when I feel rejection from many. I guess I'm really needy. I want others to validate what I feel and what I share, but I also recognize that I discuss touchy, uncomfortable subjects and likely most people who do read it don't want to also talk about it.

I sound so unappreciative of the good people in my life. Partially it's the perfectionism. When I don't achieve what I want and expect to achieve, it's hard to find any good. Usually achieving, even when falling a little short of the goal, can and usually is still an accomplishment. It's hard for me to find and appreciate the accomplishments and the good in my life, when I still feel like I'm falling short in so many places.

I probably sound like I'm rambling. I haven't been doing great since yesterday. A big episode hit and it hasn't let up much. I've been having mini anxiety/panic attacks, crying, trying to breathe, and totally not succeeding at being the mom I want to be.

Today I don't have the luxury of giving in to the depression, although I have some time before I need to totally pull it together. I have to hide it at the bus stop this afternoon. I have to hide it when I take the kids to their dentist appointments. I have to manage to take the kids to their dentist appointments. I have choir tonight, and really I should be practicing my music before going.

This week is incredibly stressful for choir since we have concerts this coming Friday and Sunday. I think the music is really amazing and I really want to participate. I can't let the depression take over and make me miss rehearsals this week, because they are truly mandatory for the concerts. I backed away on some of the stress by skipping book club this week and a 5k race this weekend. But I still feel terrified by needing to be normal this week. Unfortunately for me, it's when I need to not have an episode, that I usually get an episode.

I've got to get through this. I need to.