I will lay me down in a bunker underground

Saturday, 11/05/16, 10:44am

Well I feel like I've already got two failures for today. I was planning on attending this extra choir rehearsal this morning, and I think I had this vague plan on biking there. But this morning, while making pumpkin pancakes (because I also went and made that great suggestion last night. Delicious, but what was I thinking?), I finally started to think through the logistics and at that point I wouldn't have enough time to be able to get the bike ride in.

And although I was super bummed and stressed about not having the time to bike, I really tried to make it work to get myself to the rehearsal. I took my shower, fighting tears, got dressed and even made it into the car and down the street a little. But the tears were coming too strongly by then. And I turned around and sat in the driveway for awhile, even called Nasser to ask him to join me.

No choir today, no bike ride today. Maybe yoga soon. Sigh.

I'm not a failure. I'm not a failure. I'm not a failure.

I do make mistakes, and sometimes my anxiety and depression do get the better of me and plans change. That does not make me a bad person. That does not make me a failure.

And yet, there's that crushing feeling of failure everytime the depression hits. The feeling of "I let this happen to me". Why do I put such ridiculous stigma upon myself?? It's not like people "let" themselves get cancer, or "let" themselves have a seizure or migraine or whatever. These things happen to people and mental illness should also fall into the same category.

I'm doing a few things from my list to try and recover. Blogging, clearly, some deep breathing, next is yoga. I already took a shower in the midst of the breakdown, but maybe even more is needed. And maybe I still won't quite recover.

This one was bad. Like when Nasser was talking me down, I told him I couldn't go to choir because I didn't feel safe enough to drive. Then of course, even if he had driven me, I didn't feel well enough to be around other people.

It's gonna be OK. I can get through this. Maybe for a small recovery today.