breathe, breathe in the air, don't be afraid to care

Tuesday, 10/18/16, 10:04am

fuck. fuck you, depression. you unwelcome, unwanted, piece of garbage shit that takes a fucking dump whenever it goddamn pleases.

(excuse my vulgarity).

I don't know why today of all days it had to dump depression and anxiety into my life in such a crying ugly mess of a way. I guess I had my effing list of morning errands in my head instead of on paper. I was going to leave the house by 8 freaking 30 this morning. I was also going to wake up at that first alarm at 5:13am and go for a run. I guess that was my first failure of the day, cause I seem to be beating myself up about failure, failure, failure today.

Oh, jeez, this is a crappy ass day. (not in the literal sense, thank you for that).

I've sat down and started making a list of all the to-dos in my head, per Nasser's suggestion. I suppose it will help the anxiety in the long run, but for now the list-making is causing further anxiety attacks this morning. I finished the urgent lists but the one for our big annual Halloween party (what things I want to do to prep the house, etc) is going to wait until I'm more calm.

Sigh.

I talked with Nasser on the phone a couple hours ago, and he talked me down some of the hysterics, but it's still coming and going. And I still haven't done the yoga he recommended. And I'm desperately trying to be a good mom to TK, who's home with me today. He's holding me to this promise of playing soccer outside on the greenbelt, which I WILL do shortly here.

I can do this, right? I can salvage some of the expectations for today, maybe, and if I don't, I am NOT a failure. I can do this. Breathe in. Breathe out. Big, long, deep breaths. I can do this.