Do you know what? I have written 196 blog posts. That feels... crazy/ridiculous/maybe overkill?, to me at least. My "blogiversary" is coming up in less than a month- November 7th- and I'll have had this blog for two full years then. That doesn't seem very long, although it does feel like a lot has happened, emotionally speaking, in that time.
It's weird, looking back at some of my earlier posts, and emails to friends and family, sharing my blog. There was a lot of "I've figured out how to live with my depression" attitude. I'm not entirely sure if I was truly doing much better back when I started the blog; I mean it was before Adam's death and I know that triggered me quite a bit. But then, last November my psychiatrist diagnosed me with "treatment resistant depression", which was really a reflection of the bunch of years prior to that, not simply those few months. And as many of you know, if you've been following along with my blog, or my facebook, or just me, I've been doing much better, as of late, after going through 5 weeks of electro-convulsive therapy (ECT) acute phase (as in 3 treatments a week) and getting to a point of going every 2 weeks for treatment during the maintenance phase now. I'm also on some medications, and going to therapy regularly again (I quit going for a little while during the intense and very regular ECT treatments due to the short term memory loss), and I've gotten a lot of support from many different people, so really it's everything working together.
I've shared some about my "state dependent memory" loss, but there was a bit more that was hitting hard yesterday. I was going through old emails of sharing my blog, and the responses back and forth with various friends and family about it, especially with people who felt able to tell me about their own struggles, after I'd shared about mine. And it pains me, a lot, to realize I'd lost some of the memories of who else out there struggles. It's not like I necessarily discuss our shared illness regularly with most of these people, but I hate that we had these very personal emails about it that I simply don't remember. Thank goodness for emails saving and being able to look back on them, right? As Nasser reminded me this morning, looking back on all those, remembering all the people that share this illness or something similar with me, helps to remind me of how I'm not alone as well as why I share, most especially in the hopes that it helps others who struggle.
It's hard having memories that are just gone though, with no control over that. I guess I just need to keep reminding myself that it's just a sign that I really am doing much better.
I recently discovered a writer on the internet, who I'm a little obsessed with. I discovered her on Quora, where she's answered over 550 questions... woah. I have actually linked to one of those answers (hers is the top one here) before... to the question "Why do people suffering from depression always call their struggle a battle? What exactly are they battling?". Turns out she has a website, and she writes about all kinds of stuff, but I've been most intrigued with her posts about mental illness/depression. I really appreciated her post on helping a friend with depression. I've tried to write about this at times, but I think she writes a whole lot more eloquently than me. So I urge you all to check out her writing.
So this morning I opened up something like 5 different tabs on my Chromebook for "Couch to Half Marathon" training plans. I've definitely gained a lot of weight in the past... 4 months? 6 months? 12 months? more? It's been... needless to say... frustrating? embarrassing? confidence busting? And it shouldn't be. I don't, hopefully, judge others who weigh more than they want to or whatever. We are who we are. And it's so much better to embrace who we are. But I'm not very good at that... as probably most people aren't as well. It certainly bugs me that a lot of my clothes don't fit well or right or at all, but it definitely bugs me more that I haven't been able to run more than 1 and 3/4 miles yet (because it's so low, I have to count by the quarters!), I get winded really easily, I can't hold a plank in yoga for more than a couple seconds, the cycling class I've started going to with my brother-in-law once a week has me sweating uncontrollably and I often feel incapable at going at the higher resistances or reaching the cadence goals. Mostly I want to be in better shape. I want to be in the kind of shape to be able to hike 14ers (14,000+ mountains), bike long distances, run a half marathon again, do triathlons again, and plenty more. I expect some kind of body shape will follow if I focus on those things, even if I don't lose all the weight I've gained.
I rolled my ankle 2 weekends ago, which hasn't helped my exercise goals/attempts. I haven't run since prior to that; unfortunately my ankle isn't quite feeling right still. Luckily I was able to book a last minute physical therapy appointment for later this morning to get help with the ankle. Hopefully that helps. Until I'm back to more running/walking, I'll be trying to focus on the cycling stuff, yoga stuff, hopefully more swimming stuff too. At least I'm exercising a lot more than I was for much of treatment, right? I gotta appreciate the little steps forward.
I'm going to finish off with some gorgeous fall pictures, mixed with the snow, as well as my boys playing in the snow on Monday. (Did I mention that our crazy Colorado weather brought us snow on Monday? It's all melted now and today has a high of 67 degrees. Gotta love global warming!) Oh and FYI, the snowman is holding his own snowball and sitting in the sled, because apparently he went sledding too? And... TK is wearing flip flops because... Colorado kid? He had taken off his snowgear already when I insisted on some pictures with the snowman, and flip flops were his solution. Of course.
