Sunday, 09/24/17, 5:23pm
I've been debating the last ten to fifteen minutes about whether or not I actually want to blog today. I guess I finally decided to try. But I can't guarantee anything mind-blowing or lengthy or whatever.
I felt really great when I blogged on Friday, really that whole day. I felt like, hey, I can handle this depression thing. And although I'm feeling slightly more capable now, five hours ago I felt like I was in the depths of some of the worst depression ever. But I'm going to take a deep breath and write about it, I'm going to dare greatly and share about stuff that is very difficult to share.
It's weird. Yesterday, for as Nasser called it, 2/3 of the day, I really was doing well, I was enjoying the day, I felt good. Then I got triggered somehow, I yelled at the kids quite a bit, I felt like Nasser scolded me about that, really I think he just asked me to stop yelling at them, but I felt like a complete failure: as a mother, as a person, in my existence. I've questioned my existence a lot this weekend, and that's been tough. Nasser has been supporting me, a ton, and really got me through the worst of it today, enough so that I actually feel like I made a decent recovery. A recovery, like I'd been talking about on Friday, that wouldn't have happened before ECT, remember electro-convulsive therapy, this crazy treatment I've been going through since mid-June. Today's state had me wondering if I need another round of acute phase of ECT, you know the time for a few weeks where I have to have treatment 3x a week. It sounds awful to have to go through that again, but that's how bad I felt earlier today. Then, this afternoon's "recovery" has me feeling like maybe that doesn't have to be the answer. (By the way, I think the biggest part of my recovery this afternoon was getting myself to get out for a run, in the rain. It wasn't a long run, but it was slightly longer than the last, also slightly faster, and felt a bit better, maybe partially because of the rain.) Nasser mentioned maybe we could look at other antidepressant options. I mentioned on Friday we have an appointment with the doctor; I had been referring to the ECT doctor, but we also have an appointment with my regular psychiatrist this week too. I even have an appointment with my therapist. Lots of good, important appointments. And, really, exercise was always super important to me, and maybe it still really is, probably it still is. And it's been awfully hard to get exercise in, especially the way I want it, with ECT. I mean, for quite a bit of the treatment, I had tons of fatigue, plus treatments rather often, so it was almost impossible to do anything. Now, it seems the 24/7 thing gets in the way of a lot of exercise. I need a buddy for everything, and granted, I've been doing walks a lot more often with the family I hang out with, with is so much better than nothing. But, I miss bike rides and runs, and the freedom to exercise however I want, whenever I want. The flexibility in the 24/7 is helping, and I know we are getting there, slowly.
Oh that neighborhood party I was talking about on Friday didn't happen this weekend. They moved it due to weather, which is good considering all the rain today. I have to say, I kinda enjoyed the bit of cold and rainy weather this weekend. It helped avoid the guilt and shame feelings of not spending tons of time outside, which wouldn't have helped my depression. I've really enjoyed wearing sweatshirts and comfy sweatpants. Plus, I think the colder weather plus rain rather helped my run today. I'm looking forward to lots of colder fall weather.
Alright, I don't know that I have much more to say. I shared about the ups and downs of my weekend. Hoping to keep chugging along alright. FYI, all you friends (and really anyone) out there who struggle with similar stuff, and hide it from almost everyone you know, or don't hide it, because everyone's struggle sucks, I hold you all in my hearts closely. Lots of love to you all, dear readers~
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