Hello there. I'm doing a bit better again, I guess because it's not the weekend again. Sigh. Trying to figure out more as to why the weekends are so tough for me; I discussed it a bit with my therapist yesterday, who I hadn't met with in a little while. Last time I met with her, over a month ago, I decided to wait to re-schedule because of my memory problems. I was having appointments with her but not remembering what we had talked about in the previous appointments so it wasn't really helping much. I feel like I'm starting to get my memory back a little, having a little less short-term memory issues (although nowhere near gone). It's weird, I'm improved, but I still feel, like, way less brain capacity than I normally have. Like I talk with people and I'm just forgetting words left and right. It's tough and it makes me less interested in interacting with others. Sigh.
So recently I found this Ted Talk that somebody posted on Facebook, that I found so totally intriguing and, just, well, mind opening.
It's about neurogenesis, which is the growth and development of nervous tissue, something that it turns out, we do into adulthood. She talks about some of the different things we can do to increase neurogenesis, with things like diet, exercise, sleep, sex, haha. She also talks about how things like depression are typically associated with decreased neurogenesis. Nasser and I were discussing last night how some of the effects of my ECT treatment are associated with increased neurogenesis, so I got all excited about that.
So really, truly, this electro-convulsive therapy I've been doing, since mid-June, is well, working... we think. Despite these tougher weekends I've been having, or whatever, even those are not even close to how bad I had been, before the treatment. And it feels like we're having a tough time transitioning between the acute phase (going 3x a week for treatment) and the maintenance phase (going once every 3-5 or 6 weeks). But I don't believe the doctor is really concerned about that, it's more just me. But then I have this habit of worrying about a lot of things, like, all the time. Which is partially the depression and anxiety and maybe partially my personality. So anyway, we are making progress still towards getting into true maintenance phase. And I think once we really are there, I'm going to feel like there's a true end in sight for the treatment. Just right now it doesn't feel like there is as much, just because I don't know how long this transition is going to take.
So, I think I mentioned last time about the new flexibility we are allowed to take with the 24/7 thing. So Nasser has now walked the boys to the bus stop in the mornings a few times without me, which has been nice, and this morning, I went for a short run on the path that's on the outskirts of our neighborhood. We had originally planned for me to do it on the circle path that's on the greenbelt behind our house, so Nasser could have just glanced out the window every so often to check on me, but the sprinklers were going this morning when I was getting ready to head out, so he suggested the path, which he can't see from the house, and I got all excited by the, like, super increased flexibility we were taking. Haha. Nasser told me that it's not like I've been wandering off since the treatment started, so he didn't think we had much to be worried about. And he's right. Although, when I started the run, I had a slight bit of confusion of not remembering quite where to pick up the pack, but it came back to me quickly, and I had no issues with the whole thing, other than not having ran in many months and it feeling super difficult and slow. Oh well, I DID IT. :)
I still have this treatment, at the 9 day mark, scheduled for this Friday as well as one scheduled for Monday, which is the 12 day mark. Timing-wise, I have no interest in doing the Friday one anyway since it's scheduled for 2pm. I always have to fast a full 8 hours before, so technically I could eat a breakfast, as long as I'm done by 6am, but usually I fast from the night before and just make that dinner my last meal. But with how well I'm feeling today and yesterday, I'm thinking I'm going to cancel that Friday appointment anyway and go for Monday's 9:30am treatment (SO much better timing in my opinion). Just, you know, feeling a tad worried about having the weekend again, but hoping I can keep upping my activity level since this run today because I know that it helps me a ton. It's hard, if I'm not doing as well this weekend, we won't want to be as flexible with the 24/7 thing because the flexibility determination is also dependent on how I'm doing. Ah well, we'll see. Just keep trying I guess.
Have I told you much about my sleeping CPAP usage in awhile? I had my 2-week follow up appointment with the sleep technician yesterday where we talked about it and looked at the data from the machine. She's very happy with how things seem to be going for me and with the data- I've been using it A LOT, like an average of 9 hours a night (with like a half hour of that being "getting used to it" time before bed when I'm just wearing it and reading on my phone or whatever), which is not like a lot of people when they start using a CPAP. Like apparently a lot of people don't use it as much as they're supposed to in the beginning because it really bothers them to sleep with it, and apparently a lot of people come in to that 2-week follow up looking super tired and sleep deprived because the CPAP is just interfering with their ability to sleep. It hasn't been that way for me. I've been sleeping rather well, I think, and don't necessarily feel more well rested yet than prior to using it, although Nasser thinks I've been more alert. The other thing from the data is my "events per hour" is super low- 0.7 on average, which is fantastic. So yeah, hopefully I just keep getting more and more well rested, which will more certainly keep helping the depression.
Oh so last night, I ended up going to this fun event in Boulder, along with my sister and a friend, hosted by Skirt Sports, this awesome women's athletic clothing company, in honor of their 13th birthday. They had it at their store, gave $20 to spend as a gift to every one of us, had a workout if you got there early enough (we skipped that part), dinner catered by Noodles and Company, drinks from Ska Brewing (which I, of course, did NOT partake in), some speakers, and a cake from Kim and Jake's Cakes. It was super fun, I ended up buying a skirt and top that were on sale which I'm super excited about, and I realized again how I could wear this company's clothing casually, even when I'm not working out. So they make workout/running skirts (with built-in shorties), which are not only amazingly functional, have awesome pockets, but they are also super cute. And I do already own several, but I think I had kinda freaked out recently, when I gained some weight. And I worried that they didn't fit me well anymore. Well I fixed that thought process this morning when I pulled a bunch out of the drawer, ran in one, picked one to wear for the day, and I've felt great in them again. I feel better in these than I do wearing regular capris and stuff that often just make me feel chubbier or whatever. Man, gaining weight sucks, but within these stupid societal expectations we have, it really really sucks. And you know what, when I'm going through this crazy big medical treatment that causes me to have seizures regularly, I think I'm really allowed to gain some weight. So get off my effing back, society.
Anyway, I think that's all I've got for today. I hope the rest of this week keeps going well and I hope I can keep some of it up this weekend. But I'll also try not to get down on myself this weekend if I am feeling down. That's an important bit too.
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