I know I've felt like this before but now I'm feeling it even more

Saturday, 04/30/16, 4:18pm

I went for a run today, in the cold, overcast, light flurries, windy weather. The first two miles were really tough. I haven't run outside since last week's 9.39mi longest run ever run, although I did get 3mi in on a treadmill on Thursday. I don't know why exactly, but it felt like I had forgotten how to run. I was also running on the cul-de-sacs in the neighborhood for those first two miles so feeling better in the run may have coincided with the exit from the neighborhood. I ended up in some other neighborhoods across the street from ours and went further than I expected- 4.8mi. It was slow going but it felt good and my body and mind needed it.

Yesterday, we had another epic meltdown from TK on the way to the busstop to pick up RG. It was all so ridiculous, over the ending of tablet time, which is supposed to be a privilege not a right, but apparently I'm failing there. I felt horrible for a bit when I didn't see TK trip while I was waiting for the bus to get there; yeah I left him running behind because I was afraid we were going to be late again. And when I saw him sitting on the ground I thought he was just so mad at me. An older girl who had come off the bus asked him what happened and she told me about him tripping. Ooo, that hurt my ego. I didn't feel as bad for him when he was hitting me on the way back to the house. Sigh. Oh and he refused to come inside the house for a long time so I took a selfie of us.

But.

Despite this meltdown, I didn't have an episode this time. Of course the circumstances around my mental state were more favorable yesterday than they were last week. Last week we remember I had just gotten my stinkin period. (For those of you just joining us, I talk freely about periods here. Yeah that's right, take a deep breath and deal). But then really in both situations, I'd been doing the right things for my depression, especially getting exercise. Oh isn't it fun to experiment on myself to see what factors really affect my mental health? (Since you can't catch my tone in a blog, I'm being sarcastic). Looking forward to starting up that low hormone birth control to regulate those darn hormones.

I'm really going on a decent streak of good days. That's probably part of why I haven't been blogging much. I have to remind myself to blog more on the good days.

This weekend is a bit more relaxing, but starting next weekend we are super busy until after Memorial Day. My 10miler is next Sunday, Mother's Day, we have a friend's crawfish boil and the opera on Saturday. Then the following weekend I have choir concerts. Then my friend Jigna comes back for a quick visit and a concert to Red Rocks and we next head to DC for a long weekend and my friend Pete's wedding. And then. (Whew. Almost there). We have the end of the school year and Memorial Day weekend with my Bolder Boulder 10k run.

I guess this weekend is kinda the calm before the storm. But I also don't want to start dreading the upcoming excitement. I recently refilled my anti-anxiety medication and I expect I'll be using it a bit more often during the next month. I can take it as often as once a day, but it's only ever been that often for like a 3 day stretch. The last prescription of 30 pills lasted me 3 years. But I wanted to be prepared for this upcoming craziness with a refill. Doing so makes me feel proactive. But I still have to remind myself that that's what that is. I have to remind myself that I should not feel shame in filling an anti-anxiety med prescription. Stupid stigma.

I could go on and on about stigma but I'm going to stop here. Need to start making dinner soon. We're going to have an Asian night- homemade egg drop soup and a noodle, veggie, and tofu stirfry.

whisper words of wisdom

Sunday, 03/06/16, 12:51pm

I recently blogged about the seriousness of my depression and how I hadn't really thought about whether or not I'm a "severe" case, etc. Well I think I am starting to figure it out.

I'm pretty sure I've been diagnosed in the past, not sure what I am now, with therapists (for billing purposes to insurance) as having "major depressive disorder". I once questioned whether or not it'd be considered "major" or "minor", more wondered out of curiosity, but didn't get much understanding from the therapist at the time (this was my very first therapist who I never really clicked with. To be fair, this was also before I started seeing a psychiatrist to truly manage my medication).

I think I understand it better now. I would agree with the diagnosis. Major. Depressive. Disorder. Doesn't that sound daunting? (Some of that is the stigma talking, please notice it, dear readers).

I found some statistics on the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) website which helped all this make a lot more sense. I've heard difference statistics in different places, but these I would believe are close to accurate. They say: "If you have a mental health condition, you're not alone. 1 in 5 American adults experience some form of mental illness in any given year. And across the population, 1 in every 20 adults is living with a serious mental health condition such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder or long-term recurring major depression." (source)

I've always put myself in this category of 1 in 4 or 1 in 5 people are like me, but that's only in a given year. Many of those people have what I would call "acute mental illness". That's not what I have. I think I have long-term recurring major depression which manifested less than 10 years ago, and maybe I just had an acute episode of depression in my pre-teen/teenage years. (Yeah, I'm self-diagnosing here).

As I sort through social and news media portrayals of mental illness, I've been frustrated with various terms, words like "fight" and "overcome". We talk about "being in recovery", and I've mentioned before that I don't understand what this means. This makes sense if we're talking about someone with postpartum depression. This would be in a case where perhaps someone could take medication for a "short" (I would call that less than 2-3 years), most importantly, temporary, length of time. Now I'm not saying that postpartum depression is less severe, but I'm focusing on the point of it being temporary (for many cases at least). This is why we can talk about "being in recovery" with these cases. 

I can't talk about my illness as "overcoming" unless it's overcoming an episode. I can't talk about "being in recovery" because it's continually proven to me that episodes do occur on a somewhat regular basis. To those that don't understand about chronic mental illness, in which the symptoms do continually recur, it may sound like I am "giving up". Or I have a negative attitude about my mental illness and therefore it keeps happening. What I do know is that when I've gone a longer stretch without an episode, I fall harder when it does hit. I say things to myself like "I've been doing so well lately. How did I screw it up so bad?" It feels like a much bigger letdown because when I go a long stretch, I think I continually allow myself to hope and tell myself that I'm doing "better". But maybe if I accept that I have this disease, it's almost easier to get through a tough episode/evening/day/week. Recently, when I was "getting my period", I never actually fell into a full episode, even though I had a rough patch for a few days. I made it through without getting too too horribly into the hole. (Although perhaps to my readers, it sounded worse than that).

While I appreciate seeing stories in the media about mental illness, I think we could do a better job about reporting on chronic mental illness. Many people live with mental illness most or all of their lives. And I think our discussions do a disservice to those chronic mental conditions which cannot be "cured" (at least with the current treatment methods) and these people never are "in recovery" to the extent that widespread belief is about "recovery". At least when I hear the word "recovery", I think it's considered to be long-term.

I don't get that kind of recovery.

I don't blog about this today to be a downer. But honestly, to me I'm being realistic. And I think this post is a form of acceptance for me. I accept that I suffer from long-term recurring major depression. I accept that my disease is chronic and that I will forever require treatment.

It isn't weak to accept mental illness in one's self. I find it empowering, actually. I can name the condition that I have and somehow that allows me to be less afraid of it. Understanding the treatment options and seeing the benefits in myself, I also understand that having a mental illness is not the end of the world. Sometimes it feels that way, but accepting the condition helps me to remember that with this condition comes periods of "recovery" we could call them. Plenty of times in my life where I'm not fallen down the hole.

And that's something to be grateful for.

Just to be clear, today is a good day.

On a happy note, I am going to attempt an easy workout next. Maybe just some spinning on the stationary bike while I watch a show, or some walking around the neighborhood, or maybe some yoga, or maybe some combination of the above. I hope the ski injuries aren't bothered by it. But again, I totally accept that the ski fall was my fault, and my risky skiing. I learned some important lessons about speed on the ski slope- I'm lucky I didn't hit anyone on the slopes when I fell because then I would have caused injury to someone else, and I'm lucky I didn't get more seriously injured. Pretty sure there's nothing long-term in my injuries, but I'm being careful, I've found that ice helps the pains, and I'm taking it easy in the recovery.

Buddy the cat enjoyed hanging out with me while I iced this morning.