It feels like it's been FOREVER since I wrote, and yet it's only been like a week and a half. And then of course, previous to that time was a full month. So clearly my perspective is totally off. Which, I think I can be forgiven considering this treatment I'm still undergoing, and the memory loss that's still going on.
I should mention, after last week's post, I did end up with a bit of a "crash" later last week. It was Wednesday night (like literally right before going to bed) through Thursday night. I was expecting to crash, and yet it still came as a bit of a shock. It still made me have no clue how to deal with it and left me as helpless as ever. In the morning on Thursday, I think it was after the kids had already left for school, Nasser ended up working from home the entire morning to support me. He sat down with me after I fought with him about how I was incapable of "deep breathing". And how he "didn't understand it because (he) wasn't dealing with depression." He ended up talking me through literally each deep breath in and each deep breath out, for a bunch of breaths. And then even just those several breaths brought me back from that totally helpless, totally freaking out edge. I was really surprised to feel that. In the end, I practiced deep breathing for a good 30-40 minutes, on my own, eventually adding some happy, calming music, yet still focusing on the breath. It made such a difference. I happened to have a doctor appointment scheduled with the ECT doctor, that unfortunately was inconsistent between their schedule and ours. When the assistant called me about 15 minutes after I should have shown up, based on their schedule, we ended up just speaking over the phone, with Nasser, me, and the doctor. We discussed the crash, and how completely normal that was, and about how well I was recovering. We discussed my mood stabilizer medication and about how the latest dosage only had brought my levels to just barely therapeutic. The next dosage level is still safe and so we all decided to go up to the next level. I'm there, as of this past Monday, and plan to get my levels checked for it next week, more because I'm curious, since we have a pretty good idea that they won't go down.
The rest of last Thursday went through a few ups and downs. I did quite well, at least for the initial beginning of the kids being home in the afternoon. At some point, RG was super angry and decided to "run away". At this point, a full week later, I can't really even remember what all caused this. Anyway, he pretty quickly afterward rang the doorbell, saying he thinks he "fractured his ankle, from dropping down out of the tree he climbed. I was great in being totally empathetic, getting him ice for his ankle and taking care of him, not mentioning the whole "running away" thing. Eventually after icing, when we discovered he could walk just fine and decided his ankle wasn't actually fractured, he changed in warmer clothes and went back outside to sit in the tree on his own. After all that though, I still came back down, emotionally, and was unable to take the boys to pick up Nasser's mom from the airport, which we had planned. Of course, Nasser's mom is one of the people I should feel least uncomfortable around when I'm depressed since she understands mental illness so much. And really, hugging her after Nasser and the kids arrived home with her, was incredible heart warming.
And then, after all that, I was totally fine again when I woke up Friday morning. It was a little weird to recover that well so quickly.
I had treatment on Monday this week, and this was after having skipped ALL of last week (a big deal for me), and I discussed the crash with everyone there and got a lot of confirmation for how normal this is, how I should expect the ups and downs, etc. My nurse also reminded me of how awesome it is my commitment to the treatment, to medication changes, how my "not giving up" really speaks to my resolve to "get better". It really spoke to my heart. I did have a bit of a down trend the later part of Monday and some of Tuesday this week, but I think that was a fair amount related to the treatment. I actually got myself to go for a short walk on Tuesday, unlike most day after treatment days, when I'm so tired and out of it still that I typically allow myself to lay around the house all day. I'm also getting into more of a schedule for exercise, running especially, since I still have that half marathon coming up in only, well, 3 months. Considering my current shape though, it's just barely, maybe, enough time to be ready for it.
Oh, and at treatment on Monday, we decided to push the next treatment, to, well, 16 days. The longest yet. Big, big deal in my mind.
And, I ended up talking a bit about my crash with my therapist this week. She reminded me of an analogy she used some time ago, that I've since forgotten, you know with my unreliable memory. She sometimes related the downs, the crashes, to getting your period. It's not really a surprise for it to show up, it's not pleasant certainly, but I do have the "supplies" to deal with it. And even things as bad as suicidal thoughts can be related to really awful cramps, I may respond with "aw crap!", but I do know that I'll get through this. Now certainly it's not a perfect analogy, but it did do a lot in my brain to, maybe, up my confidence in my ability to deal with the downs.
So anyway, despite a few downs, I'm still on this "better" trend, which I also still can't quite believe a lot of the time. But working on learning my new "normal".
Including this picture from this morning... me and Nasser enjoying some special Blue Bottle coffee that we've been receiving on delivery for awhile, a gift from my sister-in-law. I laugh out loud at TK in the background, possibly literally in the air on his bouncy ball, that he yesterday discovered hiding in the basement.
Cheers to everyone out there.
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