the storm is passing over

Wednesday, 04/20/16, 7:21pm

I should be at book club. I should be enjoying a night out with friends, talking about the book we all didn't actually read this time, drinking wine and eating pizza.

But I am not.

Tonight I was hit with a big wave of anxiety and depression. Just 2 hours before I was telling my sister that I seem to not be experiencing the big mood swing this month with my period (which I officially got today). I was happy, confident, and I was saying that all our runs this week had maybe prevented it.

But it was already stirring. Before we had RG's running club, and just before we really needed to leave to pick him up from the bus, TK had a big meltdown because, well, he didn't want to go potty. I told him he had to go since we weren't going to be near a bathroom for awhile. Then all hell broke loose. I was louder than I should have been, and he was more stubborn than he needed to be, and at one point he was running after me as I was trying to get to the bus stop in time, carrying his shoes and sobbing/screaming at me. Oh it was an epic meltdown.

But here's the thing. Sure, looking at the situation, if I had had more patience, I probably could have diffused the situation sooner. But I held it together much better than I expected.

It wasn't until later that I really fell apart.

TK had some consequences of the yelling/screaming/not listening to Mommy episode. He has video games taken away until Friday. Really, that's not that bad. But to this 4 and 3/4 year old, it is the end of the world. So everytime it comes back up, some of that yelling/screaming comes back. And RG started nagging about screens the second running club finished. And then we come home to TK being too affectionate with the cat again, as in squeezing until Buddy starts acting like he wants to bite him.

I couldn't parent this evening. I started getting angry. I yelled. I yelled things I shouldn't have. I'm pretty sure I yelled to RG at one point that he is never ever allowed to yell at Mommy or Daddy.

I locked myself in my room and broke down. I pleaded with RG to let me have a break as he lectured me on how he is allowed to yell in certain situations, like when Mommy hurts him "on the inside" (his version of emotionally). Oh ho, I sure had some harder sobbing when he told me that.

I hate getting angry with my kids. I hate that I yell at them when I do. I want to help them navigate their emotions better by leading by example. And I fail at that. A lot.

I guess tonight was mostly about feeling like a failure as a parent. Looking back, I'm glad I did put myself into a timeout by locking myself in my room for awhile, even though I desperately needed it to break down. And I did apologize to both kids for getting angry and yelling.

I guess I wasn't safe from the anger of the Period. Hah. Ugh. Nasser and I talked some about periods tonight. How they're so stigmatized. How the brand Thinx (period panties- they are AWESOME) has trouble advertising because they can't get on news stations' shows to discuss their new product because they don't want to say "periods" on air. (WTF?) How women in third world countries are so stigmatized they can't go to school during their period or they get banished to a shed. (Reference: Nasser) He mentioned an NPR article all about periods, which you can read here. And you should. Because I just did. And it is worth learning more about menstrual hygiene products, and FDA regulation of them, and hey, remember that woman who ran a marathon without wearing any? Did you think that was gross? Or interesting? Yeah, all of you need to read this article. Here's the link again, in case you don't want to scroll back up to find it.

I'm not going to let this post get taken over by talk about periods. But hey, guess what, that topic is FAAAIR game. And just as I don't let the stigma over depression and anxiety prevent me from talking about them, I won't let the stigma of periods prevent me from talking about them either.

Nasser made me a list based on some things we were discussing for topics to talk with providers. We're going to continuously update it together. Because a lot of times he and I talk about something that I want to also discuss with my therapist or my psychiatrist, but then when it comes time for the appointment, I forget. And if I have my appointment on a good day, I don't remember to talk about the lows as much. Tomorrow, with my psychiatrist, I plan to talk about the really low lows and frequency and how much should my meds really be doing etc etc etc. I'm doing much better now, after blogging, but man I am sick of those low lows. Maybe a different medicine combination would prevent those. Of course, they might make the lows worse, or they might get rid of the highs, or they might cause suicidal thoughts, or weight gain, or acne.

I'm back to much much better. And I was laughing when Nasser came in the room earlier. Maybe the running has helped me recover faster and better, even if it didn't prevent the episode in the first place.

la la how the life goes on

Tuesday, 04/19/16, 3:07pm

I've been wanting to blog yesterday and today but just haven't gotten much time to do it. Yesterday was our 8 year wedding anniversary, which was nice and mostly relaxing. We took dinner really fun though by cooking stirfry, TOGETHER! We don't usually get to cook together. Although I should recognize that Nasser did most of the actual cooking. I did some of the veggie prep work, cleaning up, etc. So I guess I was the sous chef. Anyway, we managed to do all this without a babysitter. With the help of some tv though. But it was so worth it. I had forgotten how much I enjoy cooking with my husband. I do so much cooking for the family on my own that it's not really fun anymore. Cooking together made it fun again.

I've been getting runs in regularly lately, with the help of my sister, Audra. We've actually been helping eachother get runs in. She's been training for a half marathon, and is supposed to get 5 runs in a week, by her training plan. So I get together with her most of those days and we either run together or switch off running while the other watches our younger boys (this is typically during the school day while our older boys are at school). She's been helping me get longer distances in on the weekends, and I'm up to just over 8.5mi now. We'll be doing a 9mi run on Friday, which is going to be my last long run before the 10miler I'm signed up for on Mother's Day. I'm so excited that it feels like I'm going to reach this goal, and it's going to be my longest distance ever. Although really, every long run lately has been my longest distance ever which has made the training really fun.

I've recently determined, through the help of being so much more introspective in writing my blog, that my mood changes with my menstrual cycle. I talked most recently, rather passionately, about it here. Last month, I'm not sure I mentioned it in the blog at all, but if I look at the dates, I had depressive episodes at both the beginning and end of my period. Yeah, to me, that's not good. And I realized that maybe there was something I could do about it.

I started with a new OB/GYN today, and was thoroughly impressed with her. I explained all my woes about periods and the monthly mood swings and what we're already doing for my depression, and she's going to start me on a low dosage hormone birth control pill (assuming it's all fine with my psychiatrist first) that's meant to regulate the hormones throughout the month. I really hope that it works and my dear readers, you will be along for the ride since I find the blog important for my data collection. :)

I started a new puzzle yesterday, because I was already itching for it later the same day I finished the last one. I like the process of starting a new puzzle, just like with any project. I'm sure I may fall out of interest with it for awhile again, but hopefully it doesn't take me another 5 months to finish this one.