I will rise up

Monday, 03/12/18, 9:49am

Well. I had another crash this past weekend, this time 2 days instead of 1. Raises a little concern in me that it lasted longer than the previous one, yet reassuring that it wasn't longer than 2 days and that I feel pretty well back to normal this morning. Ugh though, this stupid stupid illness, depression, bipolar, or otherwise; it stinks with whatever you label it. And I can do a little bit of blaming this past crash on my f'ing period, cuz you know, of course that started this weekend. Sorry, yet not sorry, for sharing this with you all (whatever, I share a ton of personal stuff as it is, right????). And the horrid cramps yesterday!!! That surely didn't help.

All the emotions were tough though this weekend, despite the lightness I may give it. Yesterday was worse than Saturday, and there was more arguing with Nasser than I would have liked, despite everything he was doing and trying to do all weekend to support me.

And there were times when it wasn't quite as bad. Several times I thought we could make it to my brother-in-law's band concert on Saturday evening and my ex-choir's (the one I'm hoping to rejoin once ECT is over and I get back to some semi-normal memory state) concert on Sunday afternoon. But then the stupid emotional crap still came along and interfered. But then there were times I thought I was on the mend. I started reading a good book and have gotten super into it (one I read and loved a while back, yet of course, don't remember), I managed to do some messaging with friends, Nasser sent me out for a decent walk yesterday despite me really pushing back on it, after kids went to sleep Saturday evening Nasser and I enjoyed listening to a "2000s hits" playlist reminding us of our college days. It is important to take comfort in the ups, and then the long stretches of good that do come along at the end of the crashes. I need to get into a better successful habit of reminding myself that "this will pass" when I'm in the middle of those crashes. It's so ridiculously f'ing hard since my brain is quite literally telling me the opposite. I hate my brain sometimes.

But. I AM going to continue this crazy fight. I AM going to continuously try my damnedest to rise above it all and survive it. I AM going to continue to fight the mental illness stigma, fight for my fellow fighters, fight to prove that these illnesses ARE real and deserve everyone's support. Perhaps I'm not doing a ton with that fight, but this is the main reason I keep this blog; I hope that sharing, sharing it ALL, can little by little break down that stigma, can perhaps show that you can fight it even when there's plenty of days that are hard, that feel like you're gonna lose, that feel like it's impossible.

Here's my fighter face this morning:

It may not look super confident, but it is a face willing to continue this fight.

life is rough, rough (get up, get up, get up)

Friday, 02/09/18, 8:48am

It feels like it's been FOREVER since I wrote, and yet it's only been like a week and a half. And then of course, previous to that time was a full month. So clearly my perspective is totally off. Which, I think I can be forgiven considering this treatment I'm still undergoing, and the memory loss that's still going on.

I should mention, after last week's post, I did end up with a bit of a "crash" later last week. It was Wednesday night (like literally right before going to bed) through Thursday night. I was expecting to crash, and yet it still came as a bit of a shock. It still made me have no clue how to deal with it and left me as helpless as ever. In the morning on Thursday, I think it was after the kids had already left for school, Nasser ended up working from home the entire morning to support me. He sat down with me after I fought with him about how I was incapable of "deep breathing". And how he "didn't understand it because (he) wasn't dealing with depression." He ended up talking me through literally each deep breath in and each deep breath out, for a bunch of breaths. And then even just those several breaths brought me back from that totally helpless, totally freaking out edge. I was really surprised to feel that. In the end, I practiced deep breathing for a good 30-40 minutes, on my own, eventually adding some happy, calming music, yet still focusing on the breath. It made such a difference. I happened to have a doctor appointment scheduled with the ECT doctor, that unfortunately was inconsistent between their schedule and ours. When the assistant called me about 15 minutes after I should have shown up, based on their schedule, we ended up just speaking over the phone, with Nasser, me, and the doctor. We discussed the crash, and how completely normal that was, and about how well I was recovering. We discussed my mood stabilizer medication and about how the latest dosage only had brought my levels to just barely therapeutic. The next dosage level is still safe and so we all decided to go up to the next level. I'm there, as of this past Monday, and plan to get my levels checked for it next week, more because I'm curious, since we have a pretty good idea that they won't go down.

The rest of last Thursday went through a few ups and downs. I did quite well, at least for the initial beginning of the kids being home in the afternoon. At some point, RG was super angry and decided to "run away". At this point, a full week later, I can't really even remember what all caused this. Anyway, he pretty quickly afterward rang the doorbell, saying he thinks he "fractured his ankle, from dropping down out of the tree he climbed. I was great in being totally empathetic, getting him ice for his ankle and taking care of him, not mentioning the whole "running away" thing. Eventually after icing, when we discovered he could walk just fine and decided his ankle wasn't actually fractured, he changed in warmer clothes and went back outside to sit in the tree on his own. After all that though, I still came back down, emotionally, and was unable to take the boys to pick up Nasser's mom from the airport, which we had planned. Of course, Nasser's mom is one of the people I should feel least uncomfortable around when I'm depressed since she understands mental illness so much. And really, hugging her after Nasser and the kids arrived home with her, was incredible heart warming.

And then, after all that, I was totally fine again when I woke up Friday morning. It was a little weird to recover that well so quickly.

I had treatment on Monday this week, and this was after having skipped ALL of last week (a big deal for me), and I discussed the crash with everyone there and got a lot of confirmation for how normal this is, how I should expect the ups and downs, etc. My nurse also reminded me of how awesome it is my commitment to the treatment, to medication changes, how my "not giving up" really speaks to my resolve to "get better". It really spoke to my heart. I did have a bit of a down trend the later part of Monday and some of Tuesday this week, but I think that was a fair amount related to the treatment. I actually got myself to go for a short walk on Tuesday, unlike most day after treatment days, when I'm so tired and out of it still that I typically allow myself to lay around the house all day. I'm also getting into more of a schedule for exercise, running especially, since I still have that half marathon coming up in only, well, 3 months. Considering my current shape though, it's just barely, maybe, enough time to be ready for it.

Oh, and at treatment on Monday, we decided to push the next treatment, to, well, 16 days. The longest yet. Big, big deal in my mind.

And, I ended up talking a bit about my crash with my therapist this week. She reminded me of an analogy she used some time ago, that I've since forgotten, you know with my unreliable memory. She sometimes related the downs, the crashes, to getting your period. It's not really a surprise for it to show up, it's not pleasant certainly, but I do have the "supplies" to deal with it. And even things as bad as suicidal thoughts can be related to really awful cramps, I may respond with "aw crap!", but I do know that I'll get through this. Now certainly it's not a perfect analogy, but it did do a lot in my brain to, maybe, up my confidence in my ability to deal with the downs.

So anyway, despite a few downs, I'm still on this "better" trend, which I also still can't quite believe a lot of the time. But working on learning my new "normal".

Including this picture from this morning... me and Nasser enjoying some special Blue Bottle coffee that we've been receiving on delivery for awhile, a gift from my sister-in-law. I laugh out loud at TK in the background, possibly literally in the air on his bouncy ball, that he yesterday discovered hiding in the basement.

Cheers to everyone out there.

over here, come slowly, come slowly to me, I've been waiting, patient, patiently

Tuesday, 02/27/18, 12:56pm, 2:14pm

Hey there.

The last time I wrote a blog post was just over a month ago. Literally. Friday, 01/26/18. And... this past month has been, well, a bit of a change, I'd say. And I guess there's a bit to catch you up on.

The week after that last post, I ended up doing a "burst" of treatment, so I ended up with ECT Monday, Wednesday, and Friday that week. That week, I felt like a bit of a failure, but the burst was important for stabilizing me. I felt, like, working hard for a bit after that, then at some point in the couple weeks after that burst, I realized I was doing quite a bit better. I took some rather big enjoyment out of a ski trip we did 2 weekends ago to Crested Butte, Colorado, along with several other families. It was nice. Then last Tuesday, after the trip, I had probably my most productive, busy day in a really long time. I had a therapy appointment in the morning, went swimming at the Y right after, quickly rushed to my dentist appointment right after that, had lunch with Nasser next, then went to our ski boot-fitter place to get my boots adjusted a bit, rushed to get gas in my car and do a quick grocery trip, all just barely in time to make it home and get to the bus stop in time. Another big milestone was this was my very first true grocery trip in a really, really long time, like probably since before starting ECT last June. Let that sink in a minute. I bought real food this time, things like raw meat and vegetables for cooking real dinners. Then, that evening, I COOKED dinner, again probably the first time I did so since before starting ECT last June. Honestly, last Tuesday, I went through all these activities rather well, surprisingly easily, but I was totally shocked that this happened, that I accomplished so much.

Last Wednesday, I had treatment, and I was in a fantastic mood telling my nurse and doctor about how well I was doing and how well I felt. My doctor and I talked about this mood stabilizer I'm on, the one I finally reached the "therapeutic dosage" on February 8, got my blood work on the 15th to measure the levels of this med in my blood, and so we discussed the levels. Apparently I metabolize this med rather quickly, because we knew that with the first blood work, but strangely, at twice the med dosage, I'm less than double the levels in my blood. But I am now in the therapeutic range, so it probably does make sense that I'm doing better. I even have the option of upping the med a little further, like that dosage is still safe. We decided to skip treatment this week, and I'm going next Monday.

It's weird, the whole "feeling better" thing. Like, I've been very cautious about it, a bit worried that any second I'm going to come crashing down. But the other thing is, like, I've been using this mood tracking app, "Daylio" (maybe I've mentioned it before), and I've been super good about using it since starting ECT. Well, here's the thing: there's an enormous difference between this month and last month. January, I was mostly "meh" (the middle rating), with some "good", but quite a few in the "fugly" and "awful" ranges (the lower 2 ratings). This month, I've been mostly "good", with some "meh", and 1 "awful" (no "fugly"). It's nice to have some data to back things up.

My therapist today talked about tapping in to the appreciation thing as often as possible, instead of worrying about the crashing down thing as much. She was concerned that if I let myself get carried away with worrying, I could even bring on the depression that way. We talked about getting into the habit of coming up with 2 things I'm grateful for during a lot of the more simple, mundane activities, like going grocery shopping, picking up my kids from the bus, etc. Cuz I did do a lot of appreciating with last week's grocery run, but getting into the habit of it that way will keep it going, maybe as I fall into some kind of "normal" at some point.

So today, TK is home sick from school, and Nasser is working from home today to help out, so I could keep my therapy appointment this morning, and he didn't mind the opportunity to play some of his new video game in between meetings. TK actually threw up yesterday afternoon, just a little bit after coming home from school. It made for a kinda busy and stressful afternoon, between cleaning up the mess, since it happened on the couch, without any bucket since we weren't exactly prepared for it, getting him everything he needed to feel comfortable and safe, etc, trying to figure out if we'd make any possibility for dinner since he didn't throw up again for some time, not until I tried giving him a little packet of applesauce, which he downed just fine, but then threw up (luckily in the little bucket this time) just before sitting down to eat some soup. It all was fine, and really, at no point did I freak out. I felt like this new state I'm in these days can handle stress a lot better than before, which by the way, is so incredibly fantastic a feeling. Late yesterday evening, TK decided he was really hungry, ate a bunch of saltines and the soup, sat on the couch for a bit, then decided he wanted to sleep on the couch. We set it all up for him, put the bucket nearby, and despite my worries that he'd throw up all that dinner, he made it all night and has been good today, just you know, spending a lot of time watching things on TV/YouTube/etc.

Poor RG didn't like the idea of having to go to school today with his brother at home. When he woke up, he was convinced he was sick too, then was really disappointed when he couldn't prove it with the thermometer. We had a big discussion about school, and how hard he thinks it is, and I, being the great parent I am, went into how "you know, it's only just going to get harder, like with high school, and then college!" and then I pulled out some old college textbooks, and even a high school one- Calculus- that we had on a bookshelf in our study. It turned out to be a good way to calm him down because he couldn't believe I had a college textbook that was 927 pages long, and he was shocked that in the front cover of the Calculus book which showed some basic principles, he didn't understand any of it (!). We enjoyed trying to explain to him how a(b + c)=ab +ac. Anyway, he was totally willing to walk to the bus when it came time, and gave me some snuggly hugs before it.

Well, anyway, the point of this post is really to tell you all how much better I'm feeling, also how I really hope this does last, and how I'm going to try my damnedest to make it last.

I love you all, I greatly appreciate all the support I've been given, throughout ECT, throughout the extent of this damn illness, and really my whole crazy life. I will try harder to write more consistently now too.

I took the turn and turned to begin a new beginning, still looking for the answer I cannot find the finish

Friday, 01/26/18, 7:31am, 9:07am

So you know I've been on this 8 week, now 10 week journey of ramping up the dosage of this new medication. This mood stabilizer for bi-polar, because maybe I'm actually bi-polar type II, aka "unipolar depression", which conveniently looks just like depression. I hit the "therapeutic dosage" at the 8 week mark, so 2 weeks ago, then a week later got some blood drawn so they could measure the levels in my blood. Turns out I do actually metabolize this drug quickly and the levels are low. Lower than the lowest accepted level of therapeutic. So in my appointment yesterday with the ECT psychiatrist (who originally prescribed this med), he gave us a plan to up the dosage, like double it actually. And luckily, now that I'm at as high of a dosage as I am, we can ramp up a bit quicker. So, you know, we'll see.

Recently, the ECT caregiver therapist who Nasser sees recommended we look into this DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) intensive outpatient program that they have at the local hospital. It sounds a bit overwhelming- they meet for 3 hours, 3x a week, for 9 weeks. And of course, they meet M/W/F, which are the same days that ECT treatments are offered. So the days that I'd have both would be tough, logistically. I spoke with my therapist about it yesterday, and she had a lot of concerns over how intense the program is. We both had concerns over the fact that I'm still having a lot of trouble with my memory. I spent some time looking at some other DBT programs offered at other places in the area... I currently have 5 different tabs open on my Chromebook for various programs in the "area"; however most of them are a decent drive away.

I've been trying, at least a little bit, or however much I feel able with my depression always standing in the way, to look into methods of mindfulness or ways to encourage myself to practice it more. Cuz, yeah, I have heard plenty of how useful and helpful mindfulness is with mental illness, and yet, I can't seem to get myself to practice it regularly, or even often. (I have 6 tabs about mindfulness and methods of mindfulness open on my Chromebook currently, and I downloaded yet another app on my phone for it. Maybe one of these things will finally work.)

At various points over the last couple years, I've found interest in Quora, and in particular, the questions and answers about mental illness. There are certainly always the ones that are simply trolls, or the answers that are just mean and jerk people. I've been getting emails from Quora over the last week, over and over about the same question- "What cured your depression?" And I really haven't wanted to open it because I mean really, what would I answer if I tried? "Well, I'm not cured yet, after trying this ridiculously long list of things."??? But this morning I finally opened it, found a couple annoying answers, but found one that linked to an amazing answer to a slightly different question- "What is depression?" Not sure if I've ever read it before, or ever linked to it before, but I'm linking to it now, because EVERYONE should read this.

(Also, I know that everything I've typed so far has been rather disjointed, but that's just kinda how my thoughts are lately. So you'll just have to deal with it.)

I did appreciate this quote on the white board in the ECT office yesterday, so I'm sharing it.

I will try to appreciate that strength that supposedly or maybe I have.

how come I end up where I started? how come I end up where I went wrong?

Wednesday, 01/24/18, 10:12am

It feels like I've been down a lot lately. I've had bits of "better", like Sunday, when Nasser and I played this board game, Splendor, just about all day long. Oh and we let the boys play video games most of that time, so they were happy as can be, but that doesn't rid me of all the horrid guilt feelings of what a terrible mother I am for doing that. Despite how happy it made me. Sigh.

I told Nasser this morning, "Why is it that I feel like I need to cry like 10 times a day????" I had a psychiatrist appointment yesterday morning (this is my psychiatrist I've been with since the beginning, like 8-9ish years ago? not the ECT psychiatrist). I walked in, with Nasser, to his office and he starts asking "so how are things going?" and I couldn't even begin to answer the question without starting to cry. After the appointment, I called up a friend to see if she was available to get together and started to cry in the first sentence or so.

It is like the most frustrating thing in the world, to me, that I've had this incredibly long, extensive mental health journey, trying unbelievably hard to get better, seeing as much progress as we did after starting electro-convulsive therapy last June and feeling so hopeful, and yet, I still feel like such a failure a lot, maybe most, of the time. I still blame myself for not being further along with the getting better process. I still see myself interact with my kids and hate myself for not doing things a million times better. I still look around at the house and blame myself for not being motivated enough to get simple things done, more often, more regularly, more consistently. And I know, some of this stuff is normal, some of this stuff everybody feels. But with me, all this stuff equates, in my head, to things like I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be alive. I don't deserve to be alive.

I question writing that here in my blog. Because admitting that kind of stuff is dangerous. It can make other people say "well you need to be in the hospital" or "well you shouldn't be in charge of your kids".  Etc, etc, etc. And maybe this won't calm you down about that stuff, but in case it does, we really are handling it. I do recognize in myself when it's those self-blame, not wanting to be alive thoughts that are kinda habit thoughts at this point versus the ones that feel more dangerous. And I still know when to ask for more help. And I am still incredibly honest about all those things with Nasser, my most important support person in my life. And when I do go in for an ECT treatment, which is still rather often, I do fill out the questionnaire beforehand about how I'm doing and I talk with the nurses and my doctor before they put me under. Despite the fact that I'm not just locked away in a hospital, things are fairly regulated and controlled in my life.

Last week, I had treatment on Wednesday (so literally a week ago). And at the time, we decided that we'd wait until next week Monday for my next treatment, so almost 2 weeks. Because for awhile now I've been going once a week, and I've been wanting to spread them out more, probably because I feel like I "should". Now, this week, I'm questioning the judgement to skip this week. But then I'm also questioning whether or not ECT is really helping much anymore. I'm questioning whether or not anything I'm doing is helping.

Ugh, it all just sucks. Depression sucks. Mental illness sucks. Like really really really sucks. And if you don't have it, or don't know firsthand someone who has it, it's almost impossible for you to really understand that. So read my blog and try to empathize and try to understand it. Because understanding mental illness, at least a little bit, makes you a much, much, much better person. Just like how that's true with pretty much everything in life. Understanding something, and having the ability to empathize with what other people suffer in life, makes you so much better. Always.

Short post today, because I can't handle more right now. Right not I gotta attempt a workout (did I mention I'm trying really really hard to get this back into a daily habit thing???), maybe drop off some donation stuff to rid the house of some "too small" items from my children, and see if there's anything else "productive" I can manage. Cuz those things can often be good confidence boosters, and really, I need as much confidence as I can possibly get.

breathe, keep breathing, don't lose your nerve

Thursday, 01/18/18, 10:09am

It's been awhile since I last wrote a blog post. It's been over a month. And for me, that's a crazy long time.

I suppose there's several reasons I haven't written. There were the holidays which were certainly not on the easy side. At some point I felt like I couldn't remember what I'd written since starting ECT and I thought I had to re-read all of it. I still haven't accomplished that, but today I figured "what the hell?" And I've also been working on this new medication, ramping up process. So back at the beginning of December I talked about how we think I might be bipolar type II. And because of that, I've been trying a new mood stabilizer. Unfortunately it's been an 8-week process to get me to the therapeutic dosage. As Nasser put it at one point, it's been like I've been on nothing. We've been increasing the medication dosage a little bit every 2 weeks, and as of last Thursday, I hit that therapeutic dosage. However, now I need to get some blood work so they can check the med levels in my blood (we may have to increase the dosage due to that). And we'll also have to see how things are going for a little bit to determine whether or not the medication is working. I'd been thinking that things were going a bit better (although we also had a weekend away from the kids, in the mountains, over Martin Luther King Day Weekend), but then I haven't been doing so well since yesterday afternoon/evening, after having treatment earlier in the day. I guess I'm slightly, very slightly, doing better than I was right before bed last night. But so far today, it's been rather difficult to find something I actually want to do. And so I figured I'd try my blog, I guess.

I was asking Nasser this morning whether or not ECT has actually done anything for me. He thinks it has. He said that certain things that I've learned over the years in therapy I wasn't as willing to do/try before ECT. He thinks that ECT has made me more open to trying different things to make me better. (Today is one of those days though, where I just feel completely unwilling to listen to any of that, completely unwilling to try anything, etc. It's just a shitty day.)

I worry that I just, really can't do it. Can't be a parent, can't be a wife, can't be a daughter, can't be a sister, can't be a friend. I just utterly feel incapable of handling those roles. There are so many days I wish I didn't have this f*ing, life-crushing disease. People see me smile and assume that I'm totally better. So many people don't seem to understand that all of it is a process, a journey, that may never end, not until I hopefully die a natural death at an old age. I get good days, I get incredibly awful days, I got tons of, what my daily mood tracking app calls "meh" days.

I know I've been super negative this blog post so far. Here, I've got something more positive from ECT yesterday; it was in the waiting area.

Sometimes I remember that, and sometimes I don't. After seeing this and it speaking to me as it did, I think I'll be trying for this a bit more. We'll see how it goes.

I am continuing to read, as I was last month when I wrote. I had been re-reading the Harry Potter books, but silly me ended up re-reading them twice, in like a 3-4week period. It made sense in my head to do this, because after finishing the first re-read, I hadn't remembered all the story really. So I wanted to re-read it again, knowing everything.

Anyway, now I'm re-reading the Mistborn trilogy, by Brandon Sanderson. It's quite good, and I just started the second book. This one feels like a "reading it for the first time again" experience, which definitely feels weird sometimes.

And I'm re-watching Doctor Who, the re-launch seasons. Oh and on Tuesday, I was thinking I was getting into working out again, but then I haven't been able yet today to continue it. I expected not to workout out yesterday, due to treatment, but I wasn't expecting this depression to crash over me and prevent me from getting up from the couch. I guess we'll see what happens, what I'm able to accomplish, if anything.

I'm going to leave it there today, with the hope that next time I'll be a bit more positive.

carry on my wayward son for there'll be peace when you are done, lay your weary head to rest, don't you cry no more

Wednesday, 12/13/17, 8:44am

Well. I have not been writing much but that doesn't mean there hasn't been a fair amount going on. I'm doing... ok, but also waiting for a new medication to kick in. So you know, that's always, well, the waiting game. My treatments have gone back to once a week now, which feels a bit better on my brain. Going more often is definitely more taxiing.

I've lately been reading, a lot. That has been quite nice, I must say. Nasser thinks this is a sign that I'm doing better, because before I kept making excuses for not reading that my brain just wasn't doing well enough. Although I think really, for awhile there, I just wasn't interested in reading, maybe. Anyway, lately, I've been re-reading the Harry Potter books, which is a lot of fun. I'm currently on the 5th book, so going fairly quickly through them. They've been feeling great on the imagination, and honestly, there's a fair amount I don't really remember from reading them the first time.

I haven't been doing very much other than reading lately. I'm trying to keep my expectations lower for what I get done every day anyway, since that seems to be crucial to not having emotional break-downs. I'm still trying to fit in exercise sometimes, although I'm certainly not making it a daily expectation. I got in a super short run the other day, a bike ride several days before that. Today's a treatment day though, so no exercise planned today. Beforehand, I'm fasting, etc so I don't really want to make myself hungry or anything, and then afterward, I'm exhausted, cuz you know, I will have had a seizure.

I've actually been doing better, headache-wise, post treatments. One thing that helps, is my consumption of black coffee (which counts as a "clear liquid") the morning before treatment. (Because I'm clearly addicted to the caffeine). The other thing that helps, is after my treatment, while I'm recovering in the recovery area, waking up and all that, they give me a dosage of the really strong pain meds, as a preventative. And they tell me to take another dosage 4hrs later regardless of whether or not I have a headache, to keep preventing it. It's worth it. Cuz before, I'd have a headache through the entire next day post-treatment. And that sucks, big time. Gotta love the side effects of this treatment, right???

I told Nasser this morning that I keep having a lot of anxiety the mornings before treatment. He told me that when I was going through "acute" (3x a week treatments for a bunch of weeks) I got to a point where I stopped having the anxiety. It was a treatment day, and I was just like "eh, whatever". Hah. Although he thinks that was more due to the cognitive side effects of "acute" than anything else. Cuz really, I don't remember that phase much at all. Literally my memory of 5, up to probably 8 or so week of my life this summer is just gone. There's bits and pieces that I can kinda remember. But very, very little. It's a weird feeling, for sure, but also expected. Man, seizures, right?

In general though, since having this mini-acute phase for 2 weeks-ish, I think I've been better. If the reading is any indication I guess. But in my Daylio app, my mood-tracking app, it's been a lot of "good"s, fewer "meh"s, and much fewer "fugly"s or worse. Which is definitely nice. And I've been doing a better job of just keeping my expectations lower. I'm still going through difficult enough "maintenance" which treatment, and it's ok to lower expectations because of that.

It's weird to be going through this holiday season with treatment. I have done very, very little Christmas shopping, which normally I'd be more stressed about, but I'm not going to let myself go there. Nasser is going to help me a ton anyway, as I know to expect, haha. Honestly, he's been amazing through all of treatment. He makes dinner most days, he does most of the grocery shopping, he does bedtimes way, way more often than I even help, he's there to support me every single step of the way. Which is awesome. I mean, of course, he's working these days, that leave of absence he took from work only lasted so long, and was all of acute, so I don't even remember it much, damnit! But he certainly comes home early if needed, he gets me support in the neighborhood or from family if needed, he goes to all the important doctor appointments with me.

Sigh. I feel really lucky for all the support I have, that I have had through this entire treatment. I got an email from a choir member last night, asking how I'm doing and how treatment's going. I haven't been in choir this season, because of treatment, but it's so nice to be thought of. Some of the other neighborhood parents ask me how I'm doing at the bus stops in the afternoon. My parents are there to drive me, pick me up, take care of kids, support for everything on treatment days, and they did a ton for me in the transition between acute phase and maintenance phase, when I still needed 24/7 all the time. I get random calls from out-of-town friends sometimes, actually there's a local friend who sends me support texts every so often just cuz. My friends and family nearby, have done so much. All the support touches me beyond words, it makes me teary and shake from the amazing feeling it gives me. All the difficulty that this treatment is, how hard it is to go through all this, it all feels worth it when I see all the amazing, incredible support I have. All these wonderful people remind me of what I'm fighting for. (And I'm crying again!!)

I don't have much more to say today, this is going to be a shorter post, just hugs to everyone out there for all your own struggles. It's nice to have this blog as a way to just be honest about everything I go through, for myself in many ways, because it gives me an outlet, and I like being honest about how difficult mental illness is, also as a supportive bit to others going though it. It needs to be talked about more often, more honestly because there's still just so much awful stigma around it because people just don't get it.

Anyway, so long for know. Hopefully I'll start posting more often again soon.