how come I end up where I started? how come I end up where I went wrong?

Wednesday, 01/24/18, 10:12am

It feels like I've been down a lot lately. I've had bits of "better", like Sunday, when Nasser and I played this board game, Splendor, just about all day long. Oh and we let the boys play video games most of that time, so they were happy as can be, but that doesn't rid me of all the horrid guilt feelings of what a terrible mother I am for doing that. Despite how happy it made me. Sigh.

I told Nasser this morning, "Why is it that I feel like I need to cry like 10 times a day????" I had a psychiatrist appointment yesterday morning (this is my psychiatrist I've been with since the beginning, like 8-9ish years ago? not the ECT psychiatrist). I walked in, with Nasser, to his office and he starts asking "so how are things going?" and I couldn't even begin to answer the question without starting to cry. After the appointment, I called up a friend to see if she was available to get together and started to cry in the first sentence or so.

It is like the most frustrating thing in the world, to me, that I've had this incredibly long, extensive mental health journey, trying unbelievably hard to get better, seeing as much progress as we did after starting electro-convulsive therapy last June and feeling so hopeful, and yet, I still feel like such a failure a lot, maybe most, of the time. I still blame myself for not being further along with the getting better process. I still see myself interact with my kids and hate myself for not doing things a million times better. I still look around at the house and blame myself for not being motivated enough to get simple things done, more often, more regularly, more consistently. And I know, some of this stuff is normal, some of this stuff everybody feels. But with me, all this stuff equates, in my head, to things like I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be alive. I don't deserve to be alive.

I question writing that here in my blog. Because admitting that kind of stuff is dangerous. It can make other people say "well you need to be in the hospital" or "well you shouldn't be in charge of your kids".  Etc, etc, etc. And maybe this won't calm you down about that stuff, but in case it does, we really are handling it. I do recognize in myself when it's those self-blame, not wanting to be alive thoughts that are kinda habit thoughts at this point versus the ones that feel more dangerous. And I still know when to ask for more help. And I am still incredibly honest about all those things with Nasser, my most important support person in my life. And when I do go in for an ECT treatment, which is still rather often, I do fill out the questionnaire beforehand about how I'm doing and I talk with the nurses and my doctor before they put me under. Despite the fact that I'm not just locked away in a hospital, things are fairly regulated and controlled in my life.

Last week, I had treatment on Wednesday (so literally a week ago). And at the time, we decided that we'd wait until next week Monday for my next treatment, so almost 2 weeks. Because for awhile now I've been going once a week, and I've been wanting to spread them out more, probably because I feel like I "should". Now, this week, I'm questioning the judgement to skip this week. But then I'm also questioning whether or not ECT is really helping much anymore. I'm questioning whether or not anything I'm doing is helping.

Ugh, it all just sucks. Depression sucks. Mental illness sucks. Like really really really sucks. And if you don't have it, or don't know firsthand someone who has it, it's almost impossible for you to really understand that. So read my blog and try to empathize and try to understand it. Because understanding mental illness, at least a little bit, makes you a much, much, much better person. Just like how that's true with pretty much everything in life. Understanding something, and having the ability to empathize with what other people suffer in life, makes you so much better. Always.

Short post today, because I can't handle more right now. Right not I gotta attempt a workout (did I mention I'm trying really really hard to get this back into a daily habit thing???), maybe drop off some donation stuff to rid the house of some "too small" items from my children, and see if there's anything else "productive" I can manage. Cuz those things can often be good confidence boosters, and really, I need as much confidence as I can possibly get.