It's been awhile since I last wrote a blog post. It's been over a month. And for me, that's a crazy long time.
I suppose there's several reasons I haven't written. There were the holidays which were certainly not on the easy side. At some point I felt like I couldn't remember what I'd written since starting ECT and I thought I had to re-read all of it. I still haven't accomplished that, but today I figured "what the hell?" And I've also been working on this new medication, ramping up process. So back at the beginning of December I talked about how we think I might be bipolar type II. And because of that, I've been trying a new mood stabilizer. Unfortunately it's been an 8-week process to get me to the therapeutic dosage. As Nasser put it at one point, it's been like I've been on nothing. We've been increasing the medication dosage a little bit every 2 weeks, and as of last Thursday, I hit that therapeutic dosage. However, now I need to get some blood work so they can check the med levels in my blood (we may have to increase the dosage due to that). And we'll also have to see how things are going for a little bit to determine whether or not the medication is working. I'd been thinking that things were going a bit better (although we also had a weekend away from the kids, in the mountains, over Martin Luther King Day Weekend), but then I haven't been doing so well since yesterday afternoon/evening, after having treatment earlier in the day. I guess I'm slightly, very slightly, doing better than I was right before bed last night. But so far today, it's been rather difficult to find something I actually want to do. And so I figured I'd try my blog, I guess.
I was asking Nasser this morning whether or not ECT has actually done anything for me. He thinks it has. He said that certain things that I've learned over the years in therapy I wasn't as willing to do/try before ECT. He thinks that ECT has made me more open to trying different things to make me better. (Today is one of those days though, where I just feel completely unwilling to listen to any of that, completely unwilling to try anything, etc. It's just a shitty day.)
I worry that I just, really can't do it. Can't be a parent, can't be a wife, can't be a daughter, can't be a sister, can't be a friend. I just utterly feel incapable of handling those roles. There are so many days I wish I didn't have this f*ing, life-crushing disease. People see me smile and assume that I'm totally better. So many people don't seem to understand that all of it is a process, a journey, that may never end, not until I hopefully die a natural death at an old age. I get good days, I get incredibly awful days, I got tons of, what my daily mood tracking app calls "meh" days.
I know I've been super negative this blog post so far. Here, I've got something more positive from ECT yesterday; it was in the waiting area.
Sometimes I remember that, and sometimes I don't. After seeing this and it speaking to me as it did, I think I'll be trying for this a bit more. We'll see how it goes.
I am continuing to read, as I was last month when I wrote. I had been re-reading the Harry Potter books, but silly me ended up re-reading them twice, in like a 3-4week period. It made sense in my head to do this, because after finishing the first re-read, I hadn't remembered all the story really. So I wanted to re-read it again, knowing everything.
Anyway, now I'm re-reading the Mistborn trilogy, by Brandon Sanderson. It's quite good, and I just started the second book. This one feels like a "reading it for the first time again" experience, which definitely feels weird sometimes.
And I'm re-watching Doctor Who, the re-launch seasons. Oh and on Tuesday, I was thinking I was getting into working out again, but then I haven't been able yet today to continue it. I expected not to workout out yesterday, due to treatment, but I wasn't expecting this depression to crash over me and prevent me from getting up from the couch. I guess we'll see what happens, what I'm able to accomplish, if anything.
I'm going to leave it there today, with the hope that next time I'll be a bit more positive.
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