forget your troubles, come on, get happy

Friday, 01/08/16, 5:08pm

Today I had a really enjoyable day with TK. We had a few errands we should have been running, but opted to stay in for the day with snow coming down. We had a relaxing day, with sledding, baths, some tv, baking. See pictures below.

I feel successful today. Happy. Accomplished. Satisfied. It's a good feeling.

I wonder as I wander

Thursday, 01/07/16, 4:39pm

Not being in a paying job right now, I sometimes find myself feeling purpose-less. I mean yeah, I have a general purpose to raise my kids right (but then so does Nasser and he works full time). We attended the kindergarten open house today for TK for starting in the fall. (Crazy to think about!!) But they talked about kindergarten readiness and there's no expectation that he knows all his letters or their sounds or really be far along with reading. To some extent that totally takes the pressure off. He can write his name, although he doesn't like writing "E"s so he usually throws in an extra "H" in place of the "E". But I'm feeling less pressured to prep him a whole lot for kindergarten. Which really, is great. I don't want that pressure there.

With regards to my purpose though, right now all I've got besides the kids is my blog. It's weird. It's great in a lot of ways but then it can lead to the "no direction" kind of feeling. That can make me feel lost sometimes, not having a clear purpose or direction. I think that I often have trouble with that. I always had trouble in school or work with more open-ended projects. I suppose a lot of people do. But it always makes me feel bad about myself, thinking I don't know how to work without a given direction.

I guess having no clear direction, it's just like any project. I have to determine what I want for myself, what achievements I'm looking for, and then break it down for the steps required to get there. I have direction when it comes to my athleticism. I have goals, although I still need to come up with my training plans. I love forming goals when it comes to our travel plans. But then I guess for the major hole in my life right now, my career, I have no current goals. I guess that's what it comes down to; it only took me 3 paragraphs to figure it out. I feel a hole in my life when it comes to my career. I knew this would happen, although I think I was so ready to be done with my last job, that I didn't think I would miss it. Well here I am realizing I miss it a little.

I have some lofty goals and aspirations when it comes to my career, some related to engineering, and some just completely different. These are pretty much on hold until I feel like I can't do the stay-at-home mom thing anymore. But then there's that part of me. That itch. I start to wonder if I could do one of my completely different things part-time... while I'm stay-at-home. It's a thought. But I also know that finding myself, finding my mental health balance are goals of my stay-at-home gig, goals of my blog too. And that's important to focus on right now.

Meanwhile, a memory comes back that I had at one point thought about writing a book. Not a novel or anything like that. More like a reference book. For the "exclusive pumper". Do you remember from my mothering story (the beginning beginning), I pumped for all of Ronan's first year? Well at the time I remember feeling very alone. I felt like it was hard to get resources and I wanted something official telling me that it was ok to pump. If I could create a book that could provide that? Hmmm. It's a thought.

Focus. Focus on my mental health balance. Putting together everyday the elements that make me a healthier me. A stronger me. A more relaxed me. A confident me.

there's someone in my head but it's not me

Wednesday, 01/06/16, 6:00pm, 7:37pm, 9:26pm

I am angry. At the world, at Nasser's job, at myself, at the kids, at our HOA, at this stupid dressing I made for dinner that was awful, at the cat for puking, at myself, at my messy house, at myself. I think I've been grumpy all day. But it's coming out again this evening. Nasser and I had a mini-fight this morning about how unfair it is that Qualcomm is making him go to San Diego two weeks in a row, starting next week. And how Nasser should have pushed back on this. And how he doesn't push back on anything in his job. Oh and then the HOA meeting is at our house tomorrow night. Which I did not realize. Nasser is sure he told me early December and it says so on the event on Google calendar, but I didn't actually put it together until Nasser was reminding me this morning. So that just sucks. And I was angry this morning about the trips and the HOA meeting, and I blew up at Nasser about it. None of it is actually his fault though. But that doesn't change my viewpoint when I'm in a rage.

So this morning was not so good and I think I haven't really recovered all day. TK and I have been butting heads a lot today, and when RG got off the bus he asked if a friend could come over this afternoon. I was in no mood for it so I kinda made a lame excuse to RG.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Well, now it's an hour and half later and things are actually better. Nasser and I talked over dinner about the HOA meeting and we are conquering and dividing tonight. He is putting the kids to bed while I clean. And blog apparently. Just for a little bit!

I think I spent the day in a mood eating frenzy. It wasn't all bad. But there was a lot. Right now I'm feeling quite full, yet still satisfied. I'm choosing to not feel guilty about it. Besides I'm thinking it's related to "that time of the month" coming up (yeah, sorry tmi) which is great at affecting my mood and my appetite.

Back to cleaning.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Another two hours later, and things are better but. I'm not looking forward to Nasser's upcoming work trips. And I still have a bit of cleaning to do tomorrow during the day. To feel more comfortable. Oh and I'll probably do something stupid like bake cookies or make homemade fudge tomorrow. For the stupid HOA meeting. Because Nasser is on the board. And because there's that part of me that likes to host and serve and make.

well

... to all a good night!

party like it's 1999

Tuesday, 01/05/16, 4:35pm

I like that I've got a trend of dating and "time-stamping" (I feel so corporate using that term) each of my blog posts. I've enjoyed it when I look back at old posts (because I do that). And now in the new year, it's been good practice for writing 16. 2016.

Wow.

We're in the year 2016. That sounds so futuristic in a lot of ways. And I guess it is in many. Apparently futuristic became smart phones and infinite data at the touch of a button. "Smart" everything: phones, tablets, computers, thermostats, watering systems, cars. There's plenty there to talk about with the merits of that and what we're losing as a society by becoming that way, and there's totally a balance to be had, but that's not really what I want to talk about.

2016 feels old for me. I mean I'm not really old. I just turned 31 and have two kids. In my social circle (other moms with kids similar ages), I'm beyond young. At least in this part of the country, most people (not us), focus on their careers and their outdoor activities (skiing, running, cycling, etc) in their twenties and wait until their thirties to settle down. Apparently we did the opposite. It can get lonely to be in our situation. Our older friends consider us young and our younger friends consider us old. Sigh.

And now 2016 feels old to me. I have clear memories of 1991 becoming 1992 and so on. And every year having trouble remembering to write the new year. It's weird to think of the number of years that have gone by for me. A lot has happened in my life and a lot has changed over time. When I was younger, I always looked forward to being older. Now I feel pretty comfortable with my age, and yet someday, I'll wish I was younger.

This is one of those blog posts where I got interrupted in the middle of it. It is now 8:02pm, kids are almost asleep, and I no longer feel the itch to write. I'll still publish this as a short post, always discussions that may come back another day.

and so today, my world it smiles

Monday, 01/04/16, 3:45pm, 6:35pm

Apparently I am blogging again today. I feel... well... as cheesy as it sounds... called to.

I was starting to write some emails and found that I had the writing itch. So here goes. Note to self, finish emails once done with blog.

I was thinking about how therapeutic my blogging is. It's weird. So I was running with my mother-in-law over the weekend and telling her how I have a hard time calling myself a "runner" even though I run. I consider myself to be a slow runner, I don't run long distances, it feels like I should be calling myself a jogger or something. And I have the same attitude about calling myself a writer even though I've started to write. Seems like there should be a lesser title for what I do. But I am. I am a runner. I am a writer. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I've discovered I enjoy writing. It is therapy for me. I like playing with it, throwing things in or making particular word choices that only I know exactly why I chose to write it the way I did. How fun is that? Yeah, I'm hooked. 

I've had a fascination with triathlons for quite some time, but had sworn them off after a knee injury 9 years ago. I had sworn off running (boy that has improved!!). But then I participated in 2 triathlon relays in previous years. Those were incredibly fun. I loved having a team to work together, each of us playing to our one strength. A coworker got me into the first one I did, a sprint length relay, pulled me into the swim even though I hadn't been swimming regularly for a few months. Then 2 summers ago I completed double the distance swim in the olympic length relay with my 2 sisters. I swam, Audra biked, and Vida ran, each of us playing to our strengths, and a sister team to top it off. 

This past summer, I completed my first sprint length triathlons, and it was a blast. The first was way better, due to the weather being warm, but not ridiculously so, and early in the morning before the sun was at its highest. The later one, I struggled. It was hot, late morning/early afternoon, with the sun at its peak. I'm so proud of myself for both, especially for the one I struggled, and again, I'm hooked. 

So I've signed up for the longer distance olympic triathlon for this June. I've got some training ahead of me for this as I'm not exactly comfortable with the running distance yet, although I can do it, and I probably shouldn't wing the swim this time. I'm excited though. It's short-term goals that help me towards my eventual long-term goals around running and triathlons.

I guess I'm somewhat of an athlete as well. Wow. Runner. Swimmer. Cyclist. Writer. Engineer. Mother. Wife. Daughter, Daughter-in-law, Sister, Sister-in-law, Aunt. Friend. Homemaker. 

Happy day today. I like finding focus and purpose and accomplishment. Today I achieved several of those.

Oh and this afternoon? I did a kickboxing workout off a DVD, with the boys watching/participating. It was a blast. I only missed 2 pushups and a couple stretches to capture these gems.

a home sweet home with a couple of kids running in the yard

Monday, 01/04/16, 1:24pm

Nasser went back to work today. And it's just me and the boys. I didn't start off the day well with not getting enough sleep. Nasser and I were up late anyway, but then my body proceeded to go into an incredible insomnia. Maybe because I've been anxious. Maybe because I may have accidentally had caffeinated tea in the evening. Whatever the reason, I was wide awake.

Maybe I needed a several hour block of time to peruse articles on Google+, my only allowance of social media (are blogs considered social media as well??). Maybe I needed to look up that recipe on pumpkin oatmeal for the morning (which I did make this morning after not getting enough sleep! Seriously I have a disease) or maybe I really needed to find a kitchen chalkboard to hang over the back of the basement door (wouldn't that be adorable? sigh. again, disease). Or maybe I needed to open 10 articles on my phone to read later on, all with potential for future blog posts.

This day has been going by in a blur. The boys had some video game time (still weaning them from the holiday break obsession), but they've also been playing together really nicely and laughing hysterically throughout the process. I think I get how moms/housewives of years past accomplished so much during the day. They simply allowed their children to use their imaginations to play together, allowed them to use foam pool noodles as light sabers, allowed them to resolve most of their own disagreements (I step in when needed), allowed them to have stuffed animal fights and then made them clean up their own mess. So far today I've sent several important emails for planning a trip in May, I've ran some laundry, emptied the dishwasher, refilled it, and fed the boys lunch. I also managed to make some vegetable soup (really just cabbage and carrot, with a chicken and tomato broth). My sleep deprivation came into play here though, because I managed to accidentally grate the cabbage in the food processor when I was planning to shred it. Sigh. Hopefully at least Nasser and I will eat it.

I took some me time to watch an episode of my show on Netflix.

I'm even thinking about making fudge with the kids later.

I'm ridiculous sometimes. I'm really getting big on homemade. Certainly not everything we do is "from scratch", we have a large box of bisquick in the pantry that we used to make pancakes yesterday, I had no regular oats in the house this morning when I was making my ridiculous pumpkin oatmeal so I stole the plain packets from the box of instant oatmeal. We usually do cereal in the mornings and we have several lunchables in the fridge.

But.

I make our own wrapping paper for birthday presents out of old art that the boys made, I do homemade vanilla with brandy and vanilla beans rather than buying vanilla extract, I like to bake, I want to learn to make fudge, I make soup out of a head of cabbage, a bag of carrots, chicken broth, and tomato paste. I don't send thank you notes very often because I always want to make homemade cards with the kids writing them.

I'm working on lowering some of these "homemade" expectations I have for myself (it's silly because I don't have those expectations of other people), but I also don't think it's all bad. I like that part of my personality to some extent. When I find a balance it's healthy. Because really, I also find baking therapeutic. I love having my homemade vanilla in my cupboard and to me, it smells 10 times better than extract because I made it. And I love finding a use out of old daycare art that reuses it. Makes something else beautifully when several sheets come together. :)

So today, I suppose I'm an old-fashioned mama/housewife. I hate the term "housewife" usually; it feels antiquated and I prefer "stay-at-home mom" because that's what's in these days and it puts my top job first. But I guess today I did more for the house. Maybe I'll start calling myself a homemaker.

when you worry, you make it double

Sunday, 01/03/16, 2:36pm

I haven't blogged in a few days. It's not that I haven't wanted to or anything. My mother-in-law has been visiting so we've been busier, and I was still getting over my cold (actually the worst of it was New Years Eve and New Years Day). But the cold is almost gone. The head cloudiness has lifted, I haven't needed a hundred tissues a day anymore, and I was able to fit in a run yesterday and some stationary bike today. It is so nice to be exercising again even if my body isn't tolerating the same intensity as normal.

It's nice now that when I don't blog for a few days, I've gotten a few friends who check in on me. I suppose my lack of facebook presence makes it harder for friends to know how I'm doing too. Still staying off facebook though. Not even cheating to view posts anymore.

I'm feeling slightly anxious today. It started with feeling worried about my relationship with a friend because the last conversation we had didn't end right, and I think my hiatus from caffeine while sick changed my tolerance to it, so I actually drank too much coffee this morning and too little water. Nasser read an article about caffeine and anxiety so now I feel like I shouldn't be taking in any caffeine EVER. So that thought makes me anxious. At least writing about it helps. It at least makes it easier to take deep breaths which then helps.

I think I'm also feeling anxious about Nasser going back to work tomorrow. Two weeks of having him home has been so nice and I've gotten so used to his help. Tomorrow RG doesn't have school though so it'll just be me and kids all day. Before going to sleep tonight I'm going to come up with a plan for exercise for tomorrow. That will help.

I've been continuing the snowflake drawings on my hand. Still usually the hand. I kinda like the idea of having a few snowflakes, like below.

I'm still changing my mind a lot though so I'll continue playing around with it.

Sometimes I feel so ill-equipped for my life, so not competent. My mother-in-law is so wonderful with our kids and always finds fun activities to do (that never involve screens). Perhaps it's because we let them play a lot of video games during this holiday break, but it definitely makes me feel like I don't know how to come up with activities like that. I let Theo have too many screens during the week when I'm trying to do other things like exercise or take a shower. Sometimes it feels balanced, but often I just feel guilty for every screen I give them. I should just feel confident about the decisions I make, but it's so easy to compare to others or at least compare to my perception of others and find myself failing. But my kids are good kids. In a lot of ways at least. It's easy to find fault in them too though and blame myself for all of it. Doesn't it all stem back to parenting? Maybe not all. But it's hard not to put it all on my shoulders.

Let's think better thoughts.

I'm a good mom. A little tv and video games isn't going to ruin my kids. I try really hard and care a lot; that shows for something, right?

I feel unfocused today and I think this blog post reflects that. I feel unfocused, anxious. Ending here today until I feel more collected.