I look at the world and I notice it's turning, while my guitar gently weeps, with every mistake we must surely be learning, still my guitar gently weeps

Saturday, 05/12/18, 11:06am

Well I guess I'm really becoming a once-a-month blogger. Ah well.

This last month has been decently good, emotionally/mentally speaking, and we keep spreading treatments out more and more. This stretch I'm currently in is 4 weeks. Man, what a difference from the once every week time (which I think lasted a bunch of months), and then of course the 3x a week. The doctor had said, post acute phase of 3x a week, that the maintenance phase would be 6-12 months. I think I'm gonna end up longer than 12 months anyway, though that's not a bad thing and nothing to be ashamed of, but I think that I never felt like once a week was really "maintenance". To me that was more like a second phase of the treatment that was still fairly "in the thick of it" treatment. Now, with the spreading treatments out more and more, feels more like "maintenance" to me. Eh, whatever. Labels aren't exactly important.

So despite the overall "better and better", those bad days, moments, weekends, weeks still hit, and seemingly just as hard. Yesterday and today, so far, have been down in the hole despite an exceptionally good week this week. I managed really well with more evening kid responsibility due to some later work stuff that Nasser had a few of the days. I handled fights/complaining/etc with kids with, what felt like, more patience than I used to. I kept feeling more and more proud of myself. And I got in the pool and did my first bike ride in a really long time. Maybe it was the high hopes of getting back into an exercise every day routine kind of thing, and then not feeling able to yesterday, that brought me down. And I know that thoughts around tomorrow have been feeling like a big trigger. So. Yes, tomorrow is Mother's Day or whatever. Which has some of its own expectations or something. But tomorrow is also the 2nd anniversary of Adam's death. (As my longer term readers may remember, Adam is Nasser's brother who suffered from schizophrenia and was hit by a train and died the night of Friday, May 13th, 2016). I'm not actually going to spend much time discussing Adam today, not because I don't want to, but more because I'm scared that doing so or doing too much of it will just bring me down further.

I suppose that every down period for me has a trigger(s), although originally when it hit yesterday, it kinda felt like the depression just crept in and took over without me realizing it was there until it was too late. I mean, I guess I shouldn't say "too late" because it's not like it's ever too late. I recover and get through these down periods. But during them, it almost always feels like I never, ever will. I turn to the thoughts of "I hate my life", "I'm never going to be better", "why do I even try?", "nobody cares about me", "I'm a failure", "I'll never succeed at anything in life ever again", "I should just give up", etc, etc. It's overwhelming, it makes me sob and sob, it makes me feel like all my lists of "things to do when the depression hits" won't actually help, it makes me crawl further and further into my hole without being able to see or recognize any way out.

But then there are those little, tiny things that maybe seem slightly better, like just barely show that maybe, just possibly, I'm fighting, you know, at least a little. So like, above, when I stopped myself in the "too late" statement. And last night, when Nasser was putting the boys to bed, I started feeling like it was taking him a long time. And I started going into the thoughts that maybe he was hanging out in their room longer because he didn't want to spend time with me. And maybe he doesn't really love me. But I had the brief thoughts of, "no, this is what the depression wants you to feel. this isn't actually real". And after thinking that last night, it didn't like pull me out of the depression, but I guess it was kind of a start. Nasser told me that just having those little thoughts that fight the depressed thoughts is HUGE. It may be baby steps, but it's in the right direction.

A couple weeks ago, when I was in a bad state for a few days, I printed up all these mental health stuff that I had found on Pinterest, of all places. I had made myself a board called "for me" and filled it with these little pictures with good motivational, mental health related quotes. Then with all my printouts, I put together a bunch to hang up in my bedroom. This was the end result, that I'm currently calling my "wall of strength".

To me, they are all wonderful in so many ways, and I so want to blow them all up in this blog for you to see. I have a couple though that I'm picking out to draw your attention to.

They all totally make me tear up and choke up and yet, all in a good way. Like they give me strength every time that I see them. I am trying, I am always trying, even when it feels like I'm not trying or that I'm going to fail. I keep taking those steps to move forward. And even if this fight will never really end, for as long as I live, I am always trying, I am always fighting for those good moments/ days/ weekends/ weeks/ months/ whatever. I am fighting for those I love, I am fighting for those with their own fights, I am fighting for those who have lost their fight and have gone on to whatever lies beyond, and I am fighting for life itself.

This year, we are doing more of a Mother's Day celebration for me today, rather than tomorrow. Nasser made chocolate, chocolate chip muffins this morning, per my request. And we're basically doing whatever I want today, even though the depression has made it hard for me to figure out if there is anything I do want. We are going to the pool this afternoon though, and I think lunch and dinner are all up to me. I wanted to make today a substitute Mother's Day in some regard because it felt really conflicting to try and figure out ways to honor Adam tomorrow and yet also do Mother's Day activities. And then I'm also working on removing my expectations of a "perfect" Mother's Day and the "perfect" way to honor Adam, etc. I need more accepting in my life and less expecting. But then, baby steps.

whisper words of wisdom

Sunday, 03/06/16, 12:51pm

I recently blogged about the seriousness of my depression and how I hadn't really thought about whether or not I'm a "severe" case, etc. Well I think I am starting to figure it out.

I'm pretty sure I've been diagnosed in the past, not sure what I am now, with therapists (for billing purposes to insurance) as having "major depressive disorder". I once questioned whether or not it'd be considered "major" or "minor", more wondered out of curiosity, but didn't get much understanding from the therapist at the time (this was my very first therapist who I never really clicked with. To be fair, this was also before I started seeing a psychiatrist to truly manage my medication).

I think I understand it better now. I would agree with the diagnosis. Major. Depressive. Disorder. Doesn't that sound daunting? (Some of that is the stigma talking, please notice it, dear readers).

I found some statistics on the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) website which helped all this make a lot more sense. I've heard difference statistics in different places, but these I would believe are close to accurate. They say: "If you have a mental health condition, you're not alone. 1 in 5 American adults experience some form of mental illness in any given year. And across the population, 1 in every 20 adults is living with a serious mental health condition such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder or long-term recurring major depression." (source)

I've always put myself in this category of 1 in 4 or 1 in 5 people are like me, but that's only in a given year. Many of those people have what I would call "acute mental illness". That's not what I have. I think I have long-term recurring major depression which manifested less than 10 years ago, and maybe I just had an acute episode of depression in my pre-teen/teenage years. (Yeah, I'm self-diagnosing here).

As I sort through social and news media portrayals of mental illness, I've been frustrated with various terms, words like "fight" and "overcome". We talk about "being in recovery", and I've mentioned before that I don't understand what this means. This makes sense if we're talking about someone with postpartum depression. This would be in a case where perhaps someone could take medication for a "short" (I would call that less than 2-3 years), most importantly, temporary, length of time. Now I'm not saying that postpartum depression is less severe, but I'm focusing on the point of it being temporary (for many cases at least). This is why we can talk about "being in recovery" with these cases. 

I can't talk about my illness as "overcoming" unless it's overcoming an episode. I can't talk about "being in recovery" because it's continually proven to me that episodes do occur on a somewhat regular basis. To those that don't understand about chronic mental illness, in which the symptoms do continually recur, it may sound like I am "giving up". Or I have a negative attitude about my mental illness and therefore it keeps happening. What I do know is that when I've gone a longer stretch without an episode, I fall harder when it does hit. I say things to myself like "I've been doing so well lately. How did I screw it up so bad?" It feels like a much bigger letdown because when I go a long stretch, I think I continually allow myself to hope and tell myself that I'm doing "better". But maybe if I accept that I have this disease, it's almost easier to get through a tough episode/evening/day/week. Recently, when I was "getting my period", I never actually fell into a full episode, even though I had a rough patch for a few days. I made it through without getting too too horribly into the hole. (Although perhaps to my readers, it sounded worse than that).

While I appreciate seeing stories in the media about mental illness, I think we could do a better job about reporting on chronic mental illness. Many people live with mental illness most or all of their lives. And I think our discussions do a disservice to those chronic mental conditions which cannot be "cured" (at least with the current treatment methods) and these people never are "in recovery" to the extent that widespread belief is about "recovery". At least when I hear the word "recovery", I think it's considered to be long-term.

I don't get that kind of recovery.

I don't blog about this today to be a downer. But honestly, to me I'm being realistic. And I think this post is a form of acceptance for me. I accept that I suffer from long-term recurring major depression. I accept that my disease is chronic and that I will forever require treatment.

It isn't weak to accept mental illness in one's self. I find it empowering, actually. I can name the condition that I have and somehow that allows me to be less afraid of it. Understanding the treatment options and seeing the benefits in myself, I also understand that having a mental illness is not the end of the world. Sometimes it feels that way, but accepting the condition helps me to remember that with this condition comes periods of "recovery" we could call them. Plenty of times in my life where I'm not fallen down the hole.

And that's something to be grateful for.

Just to be clear, today is a good day.

On a happy note, I am going to attempt an easy workout next. Maybe just some spinning on the stationary bike while I watch a show, or some walking around the neighborhood, or maybe some yoga, or maybe some combination of the above. I hope the ski injuries aren't bothered by it. But again, I totally accept that the ski fall was my fault, and my risky skiing. I learned some important lessons about speed on the ski slope- I'm lucky I didn't hit anyone on the slopes when I fell because then I would have caused injury to someone else, and I'm lucky I didn't get more seriously injured. Pretty sure there's nothing long-term in my injuries, but I'm being careful, I've found that ice helps the pains, and I'm taking it easy in the recovery.

Buddy the cat enjoyed hanging out with me while I iced this morning.