it could be worse

Tuesday, 12/27/16, 1:15pm

Sometimes a day hits that feels nearly impossible to get through. Sometimes it's a few days in a row. And sometimes it feels like months.

These last many months have been very difficult. Adam died in May, which sucked and still sucks and will always suck to whatever extent. We've been changing medications around since like September, which hasn't been going all too well.

Nasser and I have been talking about my depression, and the course of it over the several years. Certain things about it have never felt acceptable, considering the treatment options out there, and the treatments I've tried, both medicinally and therapeutically. The level of low that I get, like intensity, the frequency of my lows. We've tried to look back on the various medications I've attempted and said to ourselves, "maybe that one did work better than I remember." To be honest, it's probably more me that's been doing this than us. I think Nasser would prefer that we look less at the past and keep trying to move forward.

I've been feeling super ashamed about my depression lately all the time. I thought it was helping me to be more honest about it, like with the blogging, but it's also super difficult and sometimes oftentimes just hurtful towards myself. I expect, or wish, for my depression to be treated more like physical illnesses. I expect people to be forward about their support, and many are. But the overwhelming silence is hard. That's the place that breeds me coming up for reasons for why that is. Do people just see me as the weak idiot who can't control her emotions, which is what I fear about myself constantly? Maybe responses of "get over it" and "stop feeling sorry for yourself" aren't any better since those totally accept the stigma that it's all my fault.

The effing stigma. The effing self-stigma. It's like depression, and especially suicide, would be less prevalent without the stupid effing stigma. And most people out there don't get it. If there's less stigma, how do those thoughts of "I'm just a burden to everyone around me" breed anyway? I really wonder what would happen to our world if we all stopped stigmatizing those with an illness, mental or physical?

Just. Fuck. Sometimes, it's just fuck. The world is fuck. The stigma is fuck. This day is fuck.

Excuse my language. Had to get that out though.

Also on top of the effing depression today, there's the sad business of people dying. Like Carrie Fisher. Ugh. Death sucks.