everyday (everyday) I try, and I try, and I try

Wednesday, 12/21/16, 8:57am

I am in a hole this morning. One of those stupid stupid holes that shouldn't be there, that should never have made me fall, there was no fucking good reason for it, and yet it happened.

I hate depression so much. You know, it really is not just a matter of "thinking positively" or powering through or whatever else you may be thinking. It's there and nothing seems to give relief these days. I try and I try and I try, and it doesn't work.

Imagine that the thoughts that occur in your brain can't be trusted. Imagine that you are expected to question every thought that pops in that head, and you're a failure if you trust the wrong thought. That's what it feels like to have depression, and really it may feel that way for most mental illnesses. Oftentimes, my brain will interpret something as hurtful, or judging, and I discover (or Nasser points it out to me) that the interpretation might be wrong, and I just cycle downward that much more. I discover that my brain has failed me again, that I have failed myself by not questioning those thoughts and I didn't stop myself from feeling hurt or sad or depressed by those thoughts, and yet again, I've been proven to be a failure.

A failure.

That is my hot thought, almost every time. And everything that I look at within myself seems to prove that thought more and more when I'm depressed.

Mindfulness is supposed to help. Cognitive behavioral therapy is supposed to help. Medications are supposed to help. Am I a failure because these things aren't helping enough? Because maybe I'm just not involved in my own mental health as I should be?

I don't know. I really don't know.

No.

It's not a failure because it's a disease. It's not a failure because my disease is likely "treatment resistant" at this point. It's not a failure.

I am trying. I've been trying. For a long. fucking. time.

And I guess I will keep trying. Forever and ever and ever even though that just sounds like a life sentence this morning.

I am not a failure.

Because I try. Because I care. Because I love. Because.