why did you have to go

Sunday, 05/15/16, 2:08, 4:47, 6:08pm

Since 12:48am Saturday morning, it's been hard to function.

It was a call from my mother-in-law to tell us that Adam, Nasser's brother, had been walking on the railroad tracks and was hit by a train. He was killed Friday night.

I go into crying fits every so often. When it just feels too overwhelming. And my body won't stop shaking.

Remember Adam, dear longer term readers and friends who have learned the story in the recent days? I haven't talked about him much since my first post many months ago because as I started sharing my blog more, I felt it wasn't my place to tell his story. Now it is my duty to share his story.

Adam was a charming, unbelievably intelligent, cheerful person. He suffered from paranoid schizophrenia in the last 4-6 ish years of his life. We don't know exactly when the symptoms first started to develop, but we think it was during the year he was in college. This is "normal" for schizophrenia, and "psychotic symptoms usually emerge in men in their late teens and early 20s and in women in their mid-20s to early 30s." (Ref: WebMD). The symptoms all makes sense now, but it was awhile before the diagnosis came. Most of us didn't understand what was going on for awhile. It was my mother-in-law who first realized what might be going on and started researching.

Convincing someone that they have an illness, when that illness changes their perspective and realities, is not an easy thing to do. Adam believed everyone was out to get him, so why should he trust anyone? But then he was able to overcome that. Going to the hospital that first time was voluntary. Many of the coming visits would not be.

The next three and a half years after the diagnosis were ups and downs of taking medications, miserable side effects, not taking medications, hospital visits, police calls to the house, Medicaid, getting kicked off Medicaid for not using it because the doctor he already had wasn't available under it, waitlists for groups homes, substance abuse programs, applying for Disability, car and bike accidents, holes in the walls. Despite everything, he did try over and over and over again.

My mother-in-law, as a result of Adam's illness has become an advocate for mental health. She has become involved in local groups that help find and provide housing for people with mental illness and national groups that provide education and support for people with mental illness as well as their care givers. I think the rest of us so affected my Adam's life and illness and death are soon to follow. I suppose that's the only upside. This experience can help us help others not go through the same thing. As much as we possibly can.

Of course a lot of the issue is the stigma around mental illness. If mental illness were treated like any physical illness, mental healthcare would be significantly better around the world. Yet there's this underlying belief that it is somehow the fault of the person who has it. And that belief is utterly and completely false.

I do believe that if there was more funding in the research of mental illness, causes, and treatments, people like Adam could be cared for to live a fulfilling and purposeful life. If more people cared about mental illness as a problem in this world that we have the duty to work towards fixing, perhaps we wouldn't just use mental illness as a scapegoat for mass shootings. Perhaps we can prevent devastating deaths like Adam's if we could get people the care they need when and where they need it.

If any of my readers are called to donate, please consider this fund the family has set up in Adam's memory. From my sister-in-law, "we will give to both NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) and a research center dedicated to brain diseases. by splitting the fund, we are hoping to help with both preventative research, as well as supporting NAMI which is an organization that provides information on coping mechanisms and guidance after a family member has already received a diagnosis."

Every donation is meaningful and appreciated.

I'm going to leave you with some pictures of Adam, since I knew him, which has only been the last almost 9 years. I wish I'd known him much much longer. I do believe I will meet Adam again someday, in whatever kind of afterlife it ends up being. I haven't felt certain or entitled in all those beliefs in a very long time.

Alisa, Nasser, Adam. Muir Woods Nat'l Park, CA August 2009

Adam. Muir Woods Nat'l Park, CA August 2009

RG, Adam. Adam's HS Graduation, IL May 2010

Alisa, RG, Adam, Nasser. Adam's HS Graduation, IL May 2010

Adam, Laila, Alisa, TK, Nasser, RG. Thanksgiving, Adam's 21st bday weekend Nov 2012

home, home again, I like to be here when I can

Tuesday, 05/24/16, 10:29am, 1:57pm, 3:21pm, 4:49pm

Today I am grateful.

I am grateful for beauty in my yard this morning. I was so happy to see that our irises didn't all bloom while we were out of town.

I am grateful for my delicious, healthy, nutritious breakfast.

I am grateful for the time I was able to know Adam, my dear dear brother-in-law. 

from left: Adam, Nasser, me, Laila

This was the day after (04/19/2008) Nasser and I got married, awhile before Adam's illness manifested.

 Adam's high school graduation. (05/2010 ish)

We think he might have had some paranoia symptoms starting by this point.

from left: Lorri, Nasser, me (holding TK), Adam, Laila

Adam's 21st bday (11/24/2012) and obligatory shot while we stopped at the house 

before heading back to another bar. This was after Adam's diagnosis and 

he probably shouldn't have been drinking like he did since 

I think he purposefully skipped his medication for a few days in order to be able to drink for it. 

It felt great to really celebrate his birthday though, it felt normal.

I am grateful for being able to share my children with Adam, their uncle, before he passed away 11 days ago.

from left: Amu Adam, RG

This was soon after we brought RG home from the hospital (08/2008). 

My mother-in-law had a conference in Denver at that time and she, 

my father-in-law, and Adam were in town visiting with us. 

I'm glad to have the memories of Adam being there in that special time.

from left: me, RG, Teta Vida, and Amu Adam

from left: me, RG, Nasser, GG, Grampa, Judoh, Amu Adam, Grandma

from left: RG, Amu Adam

From RG's baptism (02/2009). Adam was his godfather.

from left: RG, Judoh, Amu Adam

RG had just turned one and we did a trip to Napa with most of Nasser's family (08/2009).

I love this picture of them so much.

It destroys me that I cannot find pictures of Adam with TK. There is one I posted on my last post, the Sunday after Adam died, but it's not just them and they are on opposite sides of the photo. I will update if I find any some day. Unfortunately, TK didn't see him much as Adam's illness got worse and worse as TK started to form memories. He didn't get to see him much in his life, and for that I will always feel sad.

I am grateful for all the dear friends and family who have shown such support and shared in our grief these last 11 days.

I am grateful for my parents for the amazing help and support they've always provided, but especially in these last 11 days. They drove our kids to Chicago so that Nasser and I could be there a few days without them and be able to help with various arrangements and be with family. They are even helping me today in my errands as I try to get to our new normal.

I am grateful for my sister for bringing flowers to come home to, as well as a stocked fridge.

I am grateful for our friends and family who have helped pick us up again. Our dear people who gave us rides and booked us rental cars, who provided air mattresses in Chicago, who came to the wake, who sent their condolences and offered prayers, who kept us in their hearts and thoughts these last 11 days, who went on runs with us and gave us some distraction, who donated to the memorial funds we've set up in memory of Adam, who talked with us on the phone and over texts, who shared stories of Adam or their own personal stories, who helped take care of our kids, who bought us lunch or dinner, who brought us snacks and cut our grass, who offered to help with kids and cat and anything, who shared in our grief or even just listened. I know that so many people have done even more than all that. All these people have provided us comfort in these past days.

I am grateful for our friends who got married on Saturday in Virginia. Although it made for some stressful travel and it's not like we were just going to stop grieving, I'm glad we went. Many of my best friends from college, who welcomed Nasser into our circle 8 years ago, provided such support and comfort and listening ears in the last few days. Even the happy couple expressed their appreciation many, many times on their wedding day to us for being there, and offered listening ears in the midst of their celebrations. The weekend was just what we needed.

from left: Heather, officiant, Pete, people's heads.

Although it's not the best picture, I took it. I was there to witness their lovely union.

I am grateful we were able to experience some of Washington, D.C. Sunday night and yesterday. My good friend, Jigna, and I took an evening walk Sunday night by the Capitol building and some of the Smithsonian museums, and we stopped in an Irish pub near our hotel while Nasser stayed with the boys after they fell asleep. It was a rainy walk, but beautiful and peaceful. My favorite part was walking through the United States Botanic Garden. We stopped and smelled the various flowers and herbs and appreciated the meticulous care of the garden, by various projects who help disabled people through garden therapy. Yesterday, we were able to go the Natural History Museum and the Air and Space Museum on the Mall. The kids really needed that special time to do things they enjoy.

 Jigna in the rain

 from left: Jigna, me

We were "blinded by the light" of my phone flash. 

My eyes look so big and I'm totally not looking in the right place.

Nasser holding TK

This is on the train after flying back late last night. 

Poor TK finally fell asleep towards the end of the flight.

I am grateful for RG working on his project independently while I finish my blog. I guess we could have started it a little more before going out of town, but we still hadn't started the weekend after Adam died, so oh well. Of course we wanted to include pictures from our trip, which weren't printed until today while he was at school. He is going to talk about the Smithsonian Institutions, especially the museums we went to. I love my kiddo and am so proud of him.

I am grateful that I have a whole ton of people who support me in my life with depression. I am definitely a needy person in my illness. I know Nasser loves me through so much awfulness and I am so grateful to him for it, even though he does it without expecting any gratitude. But then I also need my friends and family who continually support me, those who read my blog and think about me, those who regularly ask about me and offer help, and those that just help without being asked to. I know that I am lucky to have all this support and that it is somewhat rare when it comes to mental illness. I know that Adam had a lot of support as well, but I know too that his illness was less understood by others and it did isolate him a lot. I wish that it had been different in that way. I know too that he didn't have all the right treatment he needed, much because his illness led him to believe he didn't need or want it. And I do have regular easy access to all the therapy/psychiatric visits I need, the medication options are so much better with fewer side effects. I am grateful that I have it "so easy" with my illness. 

This has been an important healing post in my grieving process. To all my readers, please never feel awkward to send me a message or comment on the blog, if you feel called to. It is here not just for me but for all of us. I don't expect others to share their own difficulties (unless they want to), but I hope that I come across as welcoming to all. We have so much work ahead of us in breaking down the mental illness stigma, in educating others and in raising awareness. Our mental healthcare system needs work, and it and all of us need more compassion.

My love to all my amazing support people in life and to my dear readers. I've said it before but I'll say it again. Hold your loved ones close to you today and always.

Again, here is the link to the memorial fund Laila set up in Adam's name. This will be split between brain research and NAMI (the National Alliance on Mental Illness) which does a lot of good towards raising awareness about mental illness, ending stigma, education for patients and their families, etc. You can also donate directly to NAMI for tax deductible donations. I additionally helped set up a memorial fund through Northwest Memorial Foundation. The funds here will also be tax deductible, eligible for company matching, etc. The Northwest Memorial Foundation donations will be going towards schizophrenia research and early interventions. 

Adam's story

Friday, 12/04/15, 4:18pm, 8:27pm

And we're getting another post out of me tonight.

My brother-in-law, Adam, has paranoid schizophrenia. He was diagnosed about 3 1/4 years ago, when he was 20 years old, although he had symptoms for a little while before that (don't know exactly when they started but I think it was at least a year and half of symptoms prior to diagnosis). The last 3 1/4 years have been a rollercoaster for him and his family of reasonable calm, struggles with substance abuse, taking medications, not taking medications, hospital stays, arguments, police involvement, and some homelessness.

It sucks.

He and the rest of Nasser's family, including one set of grandparents, live in the Chicago, Illinois area (where we both grew up). Being so far away, we are so much less involved in all the crises surrounding Adam's illness. And yet, the emotional tole it takes watching everything happen (getting involved through phone calls/ emails/ research/ support) is about as much as I can actually handle.

He recently completed a substance abuse/ mental health inpatient program. And he was back living with my mother-in-law afterward. We talked briefly with him in a video call on his birthday, just before Thanksgiving, and he seemed, good. Quite good. I think I got my hopes up good. We haven't really heard much about how he's doing since the program until today.

So far all I know is he's back in the hospital. Haven't yet gotten ahold of anyone there who knows the details and is available to talk. So we wait. And prepare our emotions. He's back in the hospital again. I've lost count the number of hospital stays, let alone the number of days he's spent in the hospital. One visit lasted a full month.

Part of me feels a really strong connection with Adam since we both struggle with a mental illness, but most of the similarities end there. I guess I have the "easier" or "milder" illness; I certainly can function well on more days and hide my illness more easily. And yet, I understand things about his illness differently (not necessarily more or better) than others who don't deal with a mental illness of their own. I certainly understand some portion of hospital stays from a more similar viewpoint as his. I so feel for him, because I know that hospital stays aren't peachy. They are humbling, they are anxiety inducing, they are prison-like in many of their restrictions, and they keep you there until you are "better" enough to go back out into the world. And most of the time that you're there, you really would rather not be, which makes it so hard to actually get "better" mentally. (We need to change this somehow in our fix of the mental health system in the United States).

I'm so sad that Adam is back in the hospital so quickly after completing this program we all had such high hopes for. I'm so sad that his illness causes him to think he doesn't need his medications. I'm so sad.

Before Adam was diagnosed, but after his mom was pretty sure what was going on, I read an incredibly enlightening book called The Center Cannot Hold, written from the perspective of Elyn Saks, who has struggled with schizophrenia for several decades, but has managed to succeed as a college professor and lawyer.

It's an amazing yet heavy read. I find her story one that gives hope for leading a successful life, as well as hope that we can improve the mental healthcare across the globe. Elyn Saks lived through some horrific inpatient experiences in both England and the United States in the 1960s and 70s, which helped inspire her to become an advocate for the psychiatric patient, from a legal perspective. Her TED talk (https://www.ted.com/talks/elyn_saks_seeing_mental_illness?language=en) was an inspiration to all of us except Adam. He thought she was "crazy". Different perspectives, I guess.

I wish we had an easy cure for mental illness. And some day, maybe we will. I still hold out hope for something, maybe not easy, but something.

I keep chugging along in my small part to break down that stigma though. My new purpose. For me. For Adam. For everyone struggling with a mental illness.

I never said goodbye

Tuesday, 07/26/16, 4:21pm

I was feeling sad about Adam today. 

Before he died, I had envisioned this possibility of the future. A time when our kids are older and we amazingly have more time to focus on us and other people. A time where maybe Adam would live with us or decide to live in a group home in Colorado. A time when we'd see him regularly and the kids would have really important relationships with their uncle. But. I will always have this horrible pit in my stomach feeling that we never did enough for Adam before he died. Never did enough to help him, never did enough to show our love for him.

Those feelings will forever haunt Nasser and I even though we know that sometimes we didn't do more because we were keeping our kids' safety in mind. And sometimes we didn't do more because Adam wouldn't accept the help we tried giving. It's still hard even after we try to balance our what if thoughts.

I've been meaning for quite some time to attend a grief group that I found soon after Adam's death. It's a "sudden loss" group which seemed fitting, but I still don't know how well I'll connect with everyone else because I still have not gone. They meet twice a month, but between travel and summer plans I haven't had a chance to go. I could go tomorrow, but it's also TK's birthday so I don't especially want to leave while we're celebrating with Nasser in the evening. Still one of these days I'd like to attend.

Really I'd like to find a grief group that is deaths related to mental illness, because for me, that's the part that has affected me the most. His illness, the connection I felt with my own illness, everything feels related back to mental illness. Perhaps it would have been different had Adam not had schizophrenia much of the time that I knew him. 

There's a picture I recently came across of Adam. It's one I took on his 21st birthday, at our last bar of the night. Every new picture I see of him, especially one I haven't seen before, is precious now.

floating down a muddy river

Tuesday, 12/08/15, 4:10pm, Wednesday, 12/09/15, 8:41am

It's been a tough, well, couple days.

I have a friend who was going through a mental health crisis the past few days and is now in the hospital. Since finding out I've been worried, agitated, anxious, sad. I've done as much as I can to help out, share my experiences with psychiatric hospitals and mental illness. And yet I feel so helpless. Like in the case with Adam, I am too far away to physically help out, and that definitely contributes to my feelings of helplessness. I have such strong feelings of empathy towards my friend though. I wish I could make it all better.

On a more trivial note, I've been really preoccupied with RG's economics project for school. Each student is supposed to come up with a good or service to provide at a cost (fake money) for their 2nd grade bazaar this Friday. I goofed. When we were coming up with ideas for something we could make to sell, I thought the bazaar was next week, which would have given us an additional weekend to make these.

We're making Lithuanian straw ornaments. They're somewhat simple once you get the hang of it, made with straws and crochet thread, but they're just complicated enough that I have to help RG with every one. We're supposed to make a minimum of 25; of course he wants to make 40. Which means we have to make 10 a night (since we only started making them Monday night). TK has helped a few times, I've made several entirely on my own, but RG is helping with most of it.

This all counts towards homework stars for the week. And the ornaments are mostly fun to make. But... it's a time crunch. I got so fed up at one point with some of RG's behavior that I walked out of the room with my hands in the air, saying, "not my project, not my problem!" Sigh.

Here's some of our finished product.

I've been thinking a lot over the past several days about the, I don't know, injustice (is that the word I'm looking for?) of mental illness. I suppose it's true about every illness, but I've been feeling a lot of the "it's just not fair" sentiment. My mother-in-law reminded me that 1 in 4 within the population suffer from some kind of mental illness. That is still mind-boggling to me, 1 in 4. And yet, we still have an awful stigma in our culture, we still don't have good universal access to all the necessary mental healthcare. I really hope it gets better within my lifetime.

I guess I keep chugging along, telling the world about my experiences, attempting to help other people with mental illness get through their struggles.

My mom's cousin has schizophrenia. I'd see John at all the family get-togethers growing up, but I never knew that he had it. It just wasn't something we talked about. Maybe it was more understood amongst the grownups but I just always thought he was a socially awkward person. John's parents left him a trust fund to help him get through the rest of his life financially after they were gone. He's actually doing much better these days, living in a group home, getting his medication shots regularly. But he's lived a relatively lonely life as far as I can tell. There are good things out of his story, but I want so much more for Adam. I want Adam to be a schizophrenia success stories, not just merely surviving his illness. I don't know how I got onto the topic of Adam again, but I guess he's been on my mind a lot lately.

I hope my friend doesn't have schizophrenia; I don't think he does, but it pops in my mind a lot when I think of mental illness with a relatively young male. My mother-in-law reminded me that schizophrenia hits 1% of the population. That doesn't necessarily sound like much, but she related it to Adam's graduating high school class of around 800 and how 8 people out of that group likely have it. Eight.

I don't have a good way of ending this blog post; it definitely ended up a little bit jumbled, but that's what you get when I write out my thoughts. Farewell until next time. All you wonderful people out there supporting me now, please keep Adam and my friend in your thoughts.

why do you weep? what are these tears upon your face?

Thursday, 05/26/16, 9:59am

Grief is hard.

Yesterday I did a lot of normal things. I switched off runs in the morning with my sister, got in a shower, attended RG's presentation on the Smithsonian Museums, ran some errands with TK, talked with another mom after the bus pick up, tried to get our passports taken care of with the whole fam, went to MNO (Mom's Night Out). And yet. The grief was there every step of the way. I grieved while talking about Adam with my sister since I hadn't seen her since before we went to Chicago. I grieved as I thought of Adam on the run, alone with my music and my thoughts. I grieved when I saw RG's teacher and she gave me a few hugs, asked about us, and offered her condolences. I grieved when the cashier at the grocery store asked how I was doing, and after my long pause, and "ok... ay", I felt the need to answer that we had a death in the family. I grieved when I didn't feel like I could go to MNO because I was feeling depressed. I grieved when a friend encouraged me to come, in whatever state. Then I grieved when I had to share a bit of Adam's story with my Uber driver (because driving was out of the question given my state of being and emotion). And I grieved with my fellow mom friends. With each of their hugs and their kind words of support and their listening to me talk about it. I keep needing to talk about it and share my grief with others.

I think grieving so openly yesterday made me seek the safety of home today. And being out there, doing normal stuff, I feel like I can't hide my grief so I share it. It took a lot out of me.

I skipped an exercise class with my sister this morning. Maybe it would have helped in some ways. But being around a lot of people all day again sounded exhausting. The idea of it made me feel anxious. I'll still get my exercise in since Audra is being kind enough to come over and watch TK while I go for a bike ride. But I've got to be around people later today and that's the goal. To make it to and through that. There might be some crying again with the people, hugs and condolences do that to me, and that's ok. I'm not expecting to not have that. But the goal is to get there with just the grief, and none of the anxiety and depression.

Having grief on top of a mental illness, specifically depression, is... I don't know what to call it. Let's just say I don't know how to navigate it yet.

The closest I came to a full-blown episode was Sunday morning in Virginia. It was the morning after the wedding and I didn't get enough sleep which I'm sure didn't set me up well. But I think I'd been keeping myself so busy that the depression hadn't had a chance to catch up with me.

I said something to Nasser, in my lowest point, that I wished it was me who'd been hit by the train. That terrified him because I meant it then. I do feel guilty sometimes for being here when Adam isn't. I feel guilty that I couldn't do more to help him. I should have been able to do more, coming from a place of sharing a stigmatized mental illness. And I know rationally that I couldn't. Oftentimes the worry was of making it worse.

I never shared my blog with him. I will always feel guilty about that because I wonder if it could have helped in any way. Of course it could very well have made things worse.

It doesn't help to think of the "what ifs" but they do come and go.

This morning I feel like it's unfair for me to be functioning so badly. What right do I have to take the grief so hard when I'm not the sister or brother or father or mother and I only knew him for less than 9 years? And I didn't support him as much in his illness while others did so much more?

But then I always felt this closeness in sharing a mental illness, even though everyone was always reminding me that "yeah but they're different". They are and they aren't. I suppose I'm much more high functioning than he was. But my illness does fall into the "chronic" mental illness category of never really being "in recovery". And I know what it's like to feel stigmatized, even if my mental illness is better accepted than his is. I know what it's like to have expectations of yourself that "you should be able to handle this better" without needing help. And I know what it's like to have foreign, extreme thoughts that frighten you to uncontrolled sobs.

Although we will never know exactly what happened on the tracks the night Adam was hit by that train, most of us agree that the mental illness contributed to his death. He wouldn't have been in that place at that time, perhaps if he had his judgement would have been different and he wouldn't have been crossing the tracks. I do blame the illness. I blame the mental healthcare system in our country for failing him.

I hope that someday we have a better scientific understanding of mental illness. I had hoped that day would come in Adam's lifetime but I suppose it wasn't to be. I hope that better treatments come and I hope that the people in our world become more compassionate and more empathetic and more accepting of people with mental illness.

everything in its right place

Saturday, 07/23/16, 4:10pm, 8:37pm; Sunday, 07/23/16, 12:32am

Typically when I write a blog post, I start with my "time stamp" and just write. Once I finish writing and start to edit (I try to edit the content as little as possible though, mostly it's for grammar and flow purposes), I think about the post title, I look through various songs to come up with the perfect lyrics. Oftentimes it's the song and the artist and the lyrics that all have a profound effect on my current mood, or a mood I wish to convey. Yeah, I'm nerdy; I put a lot of thought into each post title. If you follow along and try to figure out which song it's from, it can be a little puzzle to my readers as well. I'm so nerdy I started keeping a spreadsheet of my blog titles, which songs and artists they come from, etc.

But I digress. Today I was inspired by a facebook post from my brother-in-law. It's a little facebook game of posting a song, and assigning the people who like your post a letter. They then post a song or artist with that letter. Anyway, he assigned me "E" and I posted "Everything in its Right Place" by Radiohead. If you know Radiohead, and you're a longtime reader, you probably know I love them a lot. :) The song is worth a listen.

The song feels like an anxious mood to me, as probably a lot of their songs give. Perhaps that's why I connect with Radiohead music so much. A lot of the songs speak to my depression and anxiety and honestly help me release some of those feelings when I listen to their music.

I feel like I have a lot of things floating in my head right now, heading towards anxiety, so I decided to blog to help with that.

We are throwing a birthday party for our boys tomorrow (their birthdays are a week apart in July). At our house. With a fair number of people attending (including a lot of kids). And we just got back from San Diego late Thursday night (or should we call it early Friday morning??). And we've been traveling a ton this summer. And the house isn't quite cleaned yet. Actually there's still a lot to do. And I'm not even counting the whole cake making process. Because to be honest, I get a little nuts about the cake every year and I always want to make it exceptional. My sister, Audra, and I are both this way, although I do think she's more talented than me.

Here are a few of my cakes over just the past few years.

Friends party 2013. That is a blue whale rice krispies treat cake. 

Friends party 2014. TK's construction site cake. 

Friends party 2014 (it was a joint friends party to celebrate both kids 

and apparently I felt I had to make 2 cakes. Again, I'm ridiculous sometimes). 

RG's lego cake. This was one of the most simple cakes to make. 

Bread pan cakes, one cut in half, marshmallows for the pegs. Frost. I loved the simplicity of these.

Friends/family combined party 2015. Super themed Star Wars party complete with cake. Also gluten free. The garbage is GF cereals and GF pretzels with GF graham crackers for the walls. Non edible characters. 

Family party 2013. This was actually more Nasser's creation I think. 

He helps me sometimes on the cakes, but this one he handled almost entirely on this own. 

I was probably stressed, maybe even depressed, that day. Sounds like me.

Family party 2014. That's supposed to be Toothless from "How to Train Your Dragon".

This was definitely one of my more difficult attempts, 

and it was my first time using fondant. Homemade fondant. Gluten free.

Tomorrow's cake is going to be dinosaur. It's sorta a Jurassic Park/ Jurassic World themed party. But the cake it going to be more generic dinosaur. I've done a dinosaur cake before and it was actually one of my most fun ones to decorate. So I'm rather excited to do it again, with some differences. Here was 4 years ago:

Family party 2012. It was TK's first birthday, so we called the 

little volcano his "smash cake". The big volcano was RG's piece and the rest were cupcakes.

And because Adam was present for this cake, I have to share one more:

Family party 2011. RG's 3rd birthday and our first attempt at a "fancy" cake. 

This is actually Adam's picture. I can't seem to find any with him in it from this visit. 

But he got a picture of the cake.

I've been thinking about Adam more this evening and feeling sad about everything. We've been so go go go this summer, that it's been difficult to take the time to be more reflective. And I think I need to do that, as part of my grieving process. I'm glad we're done traveling for awhile, because although we've been doing a lot of things, maybe seeming "ok", we're not there. We're not really healed, and we're not at acceptance yet with the grief. 

I was feeling guilty about all the busyness we've had this summer, like we're doing a disservice to Adam by not grieving more or something. Nasser pointed out that we couldn't very well deprive our kids of their summer or expect them to feel sad all the time. Life does move on, I suppose, in many ways, and yet it's almost more required for us to do that quickly when kids are involved. Time doesn't stop for them. 

It's not been easy. To be "ok" for our kids. Or to explain to them sometimes that we're not doing as well because we're sad about Adam dying. (If you are new to the blog by the way, the story with Adam is best found here). 

Right now though, as much as I'd like to continue writing since there's a lot in my brain right now, I need to get some sleep. There's a lot of things I know I need to keep my depression at bay. Regular exercise which I haven't been getting, although I did get in a 2mi run finally this evening. In the dark. Sleep is another big one. We've slept in until 9am the last 2 days, really needing it. I wouldn't be surprised if it happens again tomorrow, but I still have so much to do. 

Good night, dear blog.