Remember how I was changing meds "one last time"? It didn't really help, at all from what we could tell. And as of almost 2 weeks ago, I'm on one more "one last time" med. It's a really slow ramp up to full dosage so... it just feels like it's going to take that much longer to kick in. That is, if it does kick in. Ugh, I am so pessimistic about everything lately, but I need to keep an open mind about this one. It's not even an antidepressant, so technically now I'm on no antidepressants at all. But this newest med I'm on has shown benefit for depression when nothing else has worked, so maybe I'm a good candidate after all.
I'm getting really exhausted with trying new meds. Obviously I get some benefit from them all, since they seem to kick in a little and remove some of the overwhelming crush of depression that is constantly present while we're waiting for meds to work. Because yeah, this has kinda been a "crushing" depression the last week and a half since stopping the antidepressants. I've been crying at the drop of a hat and at each kindness I've received from loving friends and family. A dear friend brought over dinner last night, which was amazing. The whole "cooking dinner" thing has been a big
It's been so frustrating that I feel like I want to get better, but maybe I'm not motivated to do things for myself that may help. Mindfulness, exercise, showering, blogging, even brushing teeth, have felt overwhelmingly impossible, and everytime I want to do one of those things, but fail, it's this overwhelming crush of "it's all my fault." For a long time, this stupid effing depression, has felt like "it's all my fault." I don't understand why, rationally, I completely understand that this is truly an illness and I don't have control over it (maybe I have tools that help, like from therapy, but that's almost nothing like "control"), and yet I still self-stigmatize. Ugh, and I hate myself for it. Why do I always have to find reasons to hate myself????
Why? Why? Why? Because it's a fucking illness, and these things (self stigmatizing, self shaming, self loathing) are all symptoms. Sigh. UGH. BLECH.
Have I made it clear enough how much I hate the depression?
This should have been a positive post. A post looking forward to 2017 and things that may help and things I intend to work on this year. And I'm having trouble finding anything positive to say.
Ok.
It's 2017. It's a new year. Who knows what this year might bring? I know I have some vague new years' resolutions, but I am going to keep them private. Sure, I know we're more likely to keep them when we share, but that can also be extremely dangerous for me in the expectations I set for myself, and the self-shaming I do if I am not doing as well on my intentions as I want to (and being a perfectionist, I always want to do things better than is ever reasonable or possible). For now, for this year, we have some big hopes (not really resolutions) regarding my depression and treatment. But if they aren't fulfilled, it is NOT a failure. Just have to get that out there now, before those "what if" thoughts even start.
It's not much but my positive thought today is about hope. Hope for good things this year and always. Hope for love, and for gratitude. Hope for peace and collaboration and empathy in the world.
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