sing with me, sing for the years, sing for the laughter, sing for the tears

Tuesday, 11/15/16, 4:38pm

Sigh. I'm hurting. So much right now, not just from the election, and the rhetoric on both sides right now, but also I'm hurting as a woman right now. I'm hurting in my own skin.

I have some things to tell you, dear blog, that I've never told anyone other than Nasser before. Sigh. Here goes.

You know, I've never considered myself a "sexual assault" survivor, but there were several experiences thoughout my post-puberty life that were not good, a little traumatic, and give me shame, each with varying degrees. After discussing some of these with Nasser more recently (honestly, Trump's 2005 Access Hollywood tape triggered a lot of these memories and made me analyze them more), I am starting to realize it's really scary that I felt like I couldn't say no at the time in some of these circumstances (hmmm, that's not entirely true, but I was too scared to get forceful to make it stop). God, I mean, why, as women, do we feel that we can't say no? Or we say no and it's ignored? Or we have to push someone off of us when we're too drunk to physically do it and can only say no every couple seconds? Or we're judged as it's our fault for being too drunk to fight off a man or to say no? Or we have to deal with a random stranger in an unfamiliar city touching us or grabbing us as they walk by only to be lost in the crowds as we turn around? Or we have to have a first kiss (oh yeah, a first kiss ever) with his hands flying around under our shirt? Or we learned to clarify during a first kiss with a new guy, "hey, I'm not going to have sex with you tonight" just to be sure the expectations are there immediately? Or a guy we just met that night requests that we jerk him off and we somehow feel an obligation because what, he was nice to us for half an hour? Or we have to listen to our much older, male coworker refer to a mechanical part as a "titty"? Or we have to not give the middle finger to the pig who just cat called us from across the street while we're out for a run or a bike ride? Or we feel shame for feeling powerless to ask for more pay or vacation time when we were more qualified than the job?

Oi.

I want to curl up under the covers of my bed and hide from the world now, but no. I can't let these things get me down because here I am, expected to be weak and submissive as a woman yet expected to not get raped/harassed/assaulted/touched unwantingly. Like you can have both, you effing idiotic rape culture. And this culture was just further worsened by the rise of Donald Trump and many of his followers.

But no. Again. Anger won't get me anywhere. I let out that anger in my political post yesterday, today I shared about some really shitty, shameful experiences.

I was saddened by a friend telling me about 2 sick family members today and got frightened of what I could become if I stopped treating my own mental illnesses. I was empowered by another friend's creation of a group of kindred spirits in changing the world, for which she felt I belonged. And I write on, even though I have felt so disheartened lately.