sing with me, sing for the years, sing for the laughter, sing for the tears

Tuesday, 11/15/16, 4:38pm

Sigh. I'm hurting. So much right now, not just from the election, and the rhetoric on both sides right now, but also I'm hurting as a woman right now. I'm hurting in my own skin.

I have some things to tell you, dear blog, that I've never told anyone other than Nasser before. Sigh. Here goes.

You know, I've never considered myself a "sexual assault" survivor, but there were several experiences thoughout my post-puberty life that were not good, a little traumatic, and give me shame, each with varying degrees. After discussing some of these with Nasser more recently (honestly, Trump's 2005 Access Hollywood tape triggered a lot of these memories and made me analyze them more), I am starting to realize it's really scary that I felt like I couldn't say no at the time in some of these circumstances (hmmm, that's not entirely true, but I was too scared to get forceful to make it stop). God, I mean, why, as women, do we feel that we can't say no? Or we say no and it's ignored? Or we have to push someone off of us when we're too drunk to physically do it and can only say no every couple seconds? Or we're judged as it's our fault for being too drunk to fight off a man or to say no? Or we have to deal with a random stranger in an unfamiliar city touching us or grabbing us as they walk by only to be lost in the crowds as we turn around? Or we have to have a first kiss (oh yeah, a first kiss ever) with his hands flying around under our shirt? Or we learned to clarify during a first kiss with a new guy, "hey, I'm not going to have sex with you tonight" just to be sure the expectations are there immediately? Or a guy we just met that night requests that we jerk him off and we somehow feel an obligation because what, he was nice to us for half an hour? Or we have to listen to our much older, male coworker refer to a mechanical part as a "titty"? Or we have to not give the middle finger to the pig who just cat called us from across the street while we're out for a run or a bike ride? Or we feel shame for feeling powerless to ask for more pay or vacation time when we were more qualified than the job?

Oi.

I want to curl up under the covers of my bed and hide from the world now, but no. I can't let these things get me down because here I am, expected to be weak and submissive as a woman yet expected to not get raped/harassed/assaulted/touched unwantingly. Like you can have both, you effing idiotic rape culture. And this culture was just further worsened by the rise of Donald Trump and many of his followers.

But no. Again. Anger won't get me anywhere. I let out that anger in my political post yesterday, today I shared about some really shitty, shameful experiences.

I was saddened by a friend telling me about 2 sick family members today and got frightened of what I could become if I stopped treating my own mental illnesses. I was empowered by another friend's creation of a group of kindred spirits in changing the world, for which she felt I belonged. And I write on, even though I have felt so disheartened lately.

well I've heard there was a secret chord that David played and it pleased the Lord, but you don't really care for music, do you?

Monday, 11/14/16, 9:37, 11:29am (but also, Wednesday, 11/09/16, 8:42am, 6:30pm; Sunday, 11/13/16, 8:12am)

I've been going back and forth on what to say in my blog since waking up last Wednesday morning. I feel I need to say some things, but too many different thoughts have been floating around in my head that it's taking time to process and think. Nasser suggested just not writing about it, but I cannot.

I don't typically get all political in my posts, other than about mental illness perhaps, but I have some things to express concerning the election last week.

Since last Tuesday night, I have felt horror, shame, embarrassment, disappointment, disgust, anger, anxiety, concern for the future, extreme sadness bordering on depression. Scratch that, I was in total depression for a good 2.5 days. The election and the aftermath have been extremely triggering.

We elected Donald Trump. I cannot believe it still. We elected a racist, misogynistic, narcissistic con man who doesn't seem to care about anyone but himself. We elected someone who has called for a ban on people of an entire religion to enter our country, someone who has bragged about sexual assault, someone who has been accused of sexual harassment and assault, who has called Mexicans rapists, has called for a wall dividing our country from Mexico (although I hear in recent days he's been backing away from that?), he has insulted a war veteran and the family of a fallen soldier, he insults and belittles women constantly and reduces us to our looks. He is not someone who, I think, belongs in the oval office and certainly not someone I want my kids to look up to in any possible way.

Luckily my kids are already aware of some of this stuff. (Certainly not much of it since so much of the stuff that comes out of Trump's mouth is inappropriate for 8 and 5 year old boys!)

Since the election, I've read about the atrocities of racism on the rise (horrid racial slurs written in high school bathrooms, African American students getting added to an online chat hate group which threatened lynching [WHAT THE FUCK], Muslim women getting harassed about wearing the hijab, middle schoolers chanting "build the wall" at the minority students), all in Trump's name. At least last night he made his first move to separate from these hate crimes, while also criticizing the anti-Trump protests, which, please remember, people have the right to do. Of course, I do not condone any of the violence, the vandalism, etc that has been associated with some of the protesting.

I think it was on election day, I joined the "secret" facebook group in support of Hillary (Pantsuit Nation) which has been an incredibly supportive and commiserative place for me and many others in this horrid time of our country. I've read there about women getting harassed, families being torn apart over hate, as well as messages of hope and love. The latter is what gets me through.

Now I get it, we have checks and balances although it doesn't help nearly as much when one party controls the presidency, senate, and house, although I wouldn't say the Republicans "control" the presidency really since Trump has always been a bit of a loose cannon. And I get it, Trump has backed away from many of the things he said he would do during his candidacy. Thank goodness. But the rhetoric he got elected with, the rhetoric that some people are running wild with, is what scares me the most. We don't need to go back 60 years with regards to women's rights, black rights, treatment of minorities and the LGBTQ community. We really don't need swastikas drawn on our buildings (any more than has already happened in the last week, again WHAT THE FUCK) and children in schools showing racism towards their fellow peers. This is the part that gets me the most and makes me cry every day. Yeah, call me a nasty woman, call me a crybaby if you will. You clearly don't get it if that's your conclusion after all this.

I'm pissed at our country, at those who voted for Trump because of his disgusting rhetoric as well as those who voted for him in spite of it. There is not "in spite of" in my mind. A vote for Trump is a big FUCK YOU to women and minorities. Clearly my rights as a female don't matter enough to these people. The rights of all people who are not white males don't matter enough to these people. That's terrifying.

I will finish with a couple things that have gotten me through. These memes of Biden and Obama are fantastic, as well as a few SNL skits including Kate McKinnon's performance of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" and Dave Chappelle's monologue.

Also on a completely different and happier note, we were in Estes Park yesterday visiting with some friends, and saw an elk cross the street right in front of us and spent some time about 5 feet away from 2 deer. Very very cool animal experiences.