Today's post will probably end up being multi-tasked. I'm starting out typing between bites of my lunch and helping TK make his mini-pizzas. It's one of those totally not necessary things that I indulge him in sometimes. He loves the pizza lunchables. You've seen them before, right?
We only buy them when they're on sale for a $1 each and he doesn't eat them that often. Since we're at home we microwave them, so it's not even something he'll want to bring to school in kindergarten since he has no microwave to use there. He helps use the microwave at home since it's at his level.
TK and I are doing better today as a pair. Still no video games, which is FINE. Although I did allow one show this morning after my appointment and dropping Daddy off at work and a grocery run, a show that was a bit more educational, Word Girl. I needed the break to make sure I could succeed today. And maybe that's when I should have blogged, but really I needed some finish my show from yesterday time.
Today is going to be better. Despite fighting tears on the drive to my appointment, despite almost crying several times in my psychiatrist's office, and despite a couple annoying comments from people in the grocery store.
Yeah I can't move on without explaining the annoying comments in the grocery store. It started with getting one of those car carts with TK. He wanted the all blue on, which was in the back. I had to move the one in front of it to get it out, but I figured it wasn't a big deal. But then those things are hard to move around- they're big, they're bulky, and they don't turn very well. But TK still likes them and every f-ing grocery store has them, and they're probably worse for spreading germs than the all metal regular carts, but whatever. The lady working at the store ended up helping me move the other cart out of the way and says "they don't even know how indulgent they are, right?" I don't know what I said back, something instinctual with how I socially interact with people I don't know to just nod and smile. But really that was a rather nasty comment! We all know it's not good to be indulgent, and she just managed to insult me and my child with that one statement. So that started off my trip to the store in a grumpy mood. And it's contributing me questioning everything I do with TK today as "am I being too indulgent?" Yeah, probably. Ugh.
Then when we were leaving the store, I was pushing our massive car cart out of the out exit, this other woman thought about going in my way but decided to go through the in entrance. Right as this was happening, I was telling TK "we're good, we're good", and that woman says to us "no, you're not." Again I made some idiotic response back and laughed it off. But seriously, WTF did she mean by that? And who says stuff like that?
So yeah, I left the store with conflicting thoughts of anger towards those women, embarrassment that my flaws seemed so apparent to the world today, shame over my parenting. I can't blame those women entirely. If I had more confidence perhaps I wouldn't be bothered by what others said, or if I hadn't had a major depressive episode last night, perhaps in a less raw state these comments would have been more easily dealt with. I'm reminded by a metaphor from therapy; I picture a force field around me. I determine which circumstances, comments, looks, etc are allowed inside the force field, which are allowed in and released back out, and which are deflected away.
I think this is one of those situations I really need to release these comments back out. The second one should have been deflected away completely but I wasn't fast enough to do that.
Sigh.
It can still be a good day. I have a night out planned tonight with a few friends at one of those paint and sip places. I can't let tonight be a repeat of last night.
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