Monday, 07/18/16, 6:04pm
Sigh.
Cringe. Tears coming. Sniff.
Can't cry right now. Our dinner is coming soon and I don't want the delivery person to know that I'm in a horrible place right now.
Nasser is working today, only for the past 4ish hours. We all went to Legoland in the morning, and we left around 1:30pm so he could head to work. Things were going decently well this afternoon but then it all fell apart when RG and I just got on eachother's nerves or something. I think we're all overtired. We're all stressed. And we're all kinda feeling done with travel.
We really don't need screaming matches in the hotel room on this trip. And yet it happened. And I tried to control my temper and my volume but there were a few times I did that badly.
I feel trapped. We're on this trip to San Diego and it's mostly been going well, but right now all I want to do is go home. I even went so far as to look at flights for heading home tomorrow. I still have those tabs open; that idea isn't off the table for me.
I hate feeling like this. I'm not full blown depressive episode still, despite how bad I probably sound, but I hate feeling like this. On the verge and feeling a whole ton of anger.
I feel stupid for planning so much for this summer. I feel stupid for thinking I was in a good swing. Well I suppose I was, but that appears to be over. I feel stupid for being a mom when I clearly am not cut out for it. I feel stupid for existing.
Oh that's not going to help thinking like that. The tears are coming and I'm not sure I can stop them. Shit.
I want to just curl up and go to sleep until tomorrow. That's a better statement than what I really want to say right now. But I don't want to give voice at the moment to my deepest, darkest thoughts.
I hate it all sometimes. Everything. My life. My depression. My anxiety. My inability to handle the difficulties thrown at me.
Sigh. Red, wet eyes already. That sucks.
Monday, July 18, 2016
Thursday, July 14, 2016
just keep swimming, swimming, swimming
Thursday, 07/14/16, 10:14am
I've been in a pretty good stretch lately, as far as my depression goes. It's gotten close a few times in all the travel we've been doing lately, but not enough so that I would call it a full-blown episode. The grief of my brother-in-law's death is still there, though better.
Being in a good stretch is nice, wonderful, but I often feel a little guarded. There's this nagging feeling of will that depression hit right when I forget about it? And when I do forget about it, inevitably the depression hits. And oftentimes because I got comfortable, it hits harder than ever before. I hate that cycle of my illness. I mean, yes, I appreciate the good times and love that the depression isn't hitting then. But that downswing is tough.
We fly to San Diego tomorrow night. Yeah, another trip. It feels a little ridiculous now that we're living this, but as Nasser pointed out to me, the reason we booked so many activities and travel this summer is because I'm not working. We were really trying to take advantage of that.
There's been a fair amount of being at home too, in between trips and activities. Of course, the state of the house makes me feel like we haven't been here in ages. There are at least 3 suitcases, 2 backpacks, and several piles of clean clothes on my bedroom floor right now. I started some folding this morning, and I think that's what I need to tackle today. That plus a couple more loads of laundry, maybe some packing, hopefully some outside time (don't get me started on the state of our yard!), and maybe finally putting away the garment bag from the Adam funeral trip (it's still sitting on the back of a chair in our dining room).
I don't really have more to say today. Just keep swimming all.
I've been in a pretty good stretch lately, as far as my depression goes. It's gotten close a few times in all the travel we've been doing lately, but not enough so that I would call it a full-blown episode. The grief of my brother-in-law's death is still there, though better.
Being in a good stretch is nice, wonderful, but I often feel a little guarded. There's this nagging feeling of will that depression hit right when I forget about it? And when I do forget about it, inevitably the depression hits. And oftentimes because I got comfortable, it hits harder than ever before. I hate that cycle of my illness. I mean, yes, I appreciate the good times and love that the depression isn't hitting then. But that downswing is tough.
We fly to San Diego tomorrow night. Yeah, another trip. It feels a little ridiculous now that we're living this, but as Nasser pointed out to me, the reason we booked so many activities and travel this summer is because I'm not working. We were really trying to take advantage of that.
There's been a fair amount of being at home too, in between trips and activities. Of course, the state of the house makes me feel like we haven't been here in ages. There are at least 3 suitcases, 2 backpacks, and several piles of clean clothes on my bedroom floor right now. I started some folding this morning, and I think that's what I need to tackle today. That plus a couple more loads of laundry, maybe some packing, hopefully some outside time (don't get me started on the state of our yard!), and maybe finally putting away the garment bag from the Adam funeral trip (it's still sitting on the back of a chair in our dining room).
I don't really have more to say today. Just keep swimming all.
Monday, July 11, 2016
and the moon is the only light we'll see
Monday, 07/11/16, 10:33am
We had a big camping trip this weekend, along with a lot of family and friends. It ended up being a gorgeous, picture perfect location for camping, right on Lake Granby. Below is our campsite Friday evening. We had 5 sites in our group, all close together, most of us on the water.
This is on the west side of Rocky Mtn Nat'l Park (RMNP). We ended up driving the slightly longer route to get there Friday afternoon, through RMNP, on Trail Ridge Road. Saw lots of elk, a moose, and some deer.
Some of the group didn't end up coming until Saturday afternoon and one family arrived fairly late Friday evening, so the first of us had some quiet together time by the fire, play/digging time for the kids, and we thoroughly enjoyed that first sunset. Saturday was great too, although there were certainly more activities going on, but we'll get to that later.
Saturday morning through lunch we spent at the campsite. We made our breakfast, then my friend and I did a swim in Lake Granby! Jake had a wetsuit which was more appropriate for the cold, open water swim, but I got through the water entry and first 5 minutes ok. Those are the worst when the water is on the colder side. But then I got used to it enough and my body got warmer as I started taking strokes. Open water isn't super easy for me, but I got a lot better at it this weekend. (We swam again on Sunday morning). I felt so good after the swims both days- refreshed and energized. It was a fantastic, amazing place for a swim!
The kids played in the water and in the sand all morning and we had a leisurely lunch at the campsites.
Sorry, I can't stop with the gorgeous pictures of water + mountains + boats + clouds. Ah, I love it. I miss it.
We went for a hike in the afternoon with most of the group, to Adams Falls and a bit beyond. Very pretty, and kids did pretty well, considering how warm it got. Unfortunately many of us got bitten by mosquitoes through the marshy, river part.
The next series of pictures are the a selection of Nasser's and my selfie experiments, hah. I don't think we've quite mastered the art of the couple selfie. Hey they don't call it couplie, do they?
The rest of the afternoon and evening was spent at the campsites. My brother brought his inflatable kayak and rowboat, which proved to be a hit with all the kids, and many of the adults!
Of course, I missed getting pictures of much of the group, since I took a turn with a few kids in the kayak. Awesome, awesome time. So of course, last night after getting home from camping, Nasser and I spent some time looking at various inflatable boats on Amazon. Hopefully sometime, if the price is right, and we are ready to spend it, we'll buy our first boat. Haha, yes, only the inflatable kind, but still awesome for things like this. Sunday morning, when Jake and I swam again, Nasser followed along in the kayak, along with a set of cousins. We started off the swim first, and by the time we reached the turn around point, at this little island, Nasser had caught up to us. The boys really enjoyed taking a couple steps on the island. Of course I have no pictures, since the swim was not conducive to bringing along my phone. I don't own a fancy camera, let alone a water proof one, although the one on my phone is fancy for phone cameras I suppose. Awesome thing to have readily available in most circumstances.
Anyway, Sunday after the swim was a mix of breakfast, some last minute boating again, and lots and lots of packing up and taking down. Our fabulous new tent, same one that both my sisters have for their families, had a slight mishap and one of the structure poles separated on us. Luckily the tent is under warranty. Speaking of tent, I never showed you the pictures I took once everything was set up, and not yet slept in.
And now this week, I have a mad rush of things to do. Lots of unpacking and laundry from the weekend of course. But then we turn around and leave for San Diego on Friday! It's going to be a fun, hopefully relaxing time (in which we'll hopefully get a bit of pool and beach time in), with some friends to see if possible. It's just our little family, which I'm honestly ready for, with those introvert tendencies I've been getting. We'll still be seeing a fair number of people though I guess. I'm hoping it's not too stressful of a trip. I want to enjoy it and not get depressed.
This week I also have some things to catch up on. I've been procrastinating a number of things since Adam died, perhaps needing to not do it at first, but now refusing to because I don't remember everything I need to know to do them. I have this volunteer job through my choir; I handle CD orders. Adam died on Friday night, at the start of our concert weekend. Everyone was so understanding about me needing to not handle any of the choir stuff in those weeks following his death. But now I need to take a deep breath and catch up on all that paperwork and financials, etc.
I still feel the pain of Adam's death acutely, but the times I feel ok/normal/happy are longer and more ok then they were in the weeks immediately following. I hope it's getting that way with all of us.
We had a big camping trip this weekend, along with a lot of family and friends. It ended up being a gorgeous, picture perfect location for camping, right on Lake Granby. Below is our campsite Friday evening. We had 5 sites in our group, all close together, most of us on the water.
This is on the west side of Rocky Mtn Nat'l Park (RMNP). We ended up driving the slightly longer route to get there Friday afternoon, through RMNP, on Trail Ridge Road. Saw lots of elk, a moose, and some deer.
Some of the group didn't end up coming until Saturday afternoon and one family arrived fairly late Friday evening, so the first of us had some quiet together time by the fire, play/digging time for the kids, and we thoroughly enjoyed that first sunset. Saturday was great too, although there were certainly more activities going on, but we'll get to that later.
I love this shot; it had to be bigger. :)
kids had to have their marshmallows and s'mores!
Saturday morning through lunch we spent at the campsite. We made our breakfast, then my friend and I did a swim in Lake Granby! Jake had a wetsuit which was more appropriate for the cold, open water swim, but I got through the water entry and first 5 minutes ok. Those are the worst when the water is on the colder side. But then I got used to it enough and my body got warmer as I started taking strokes. Open water isn't super easy for me, but I got a lot better at it this weekend. (We swam again on Sunday morning). I felt so good after the swims both days- refreshed and energized. It was a fantastic, amazing place for a swim!
Sorry, I can't stop with the gorgeous pictures of water + mountains + boats + clouds. Ah, I love it. I miss it.
We went for a hike in the afternoon with most of the group, to Adams Falls and a bit beyond. Very pretty, and kids did pretty well, considering how warm it got. Unfortunately many of us got bitten by mosquitoes through the marshy, river part.
The next series of pictures are the a selection of Nasser's and my selfie experiments, hah. I don't think we've quite mastered the art of the couple selfie. Hey they don't call it couplie, do they?
The rest of the afternoon and evening was spent at the campsites. My brother brought his inflatable kayak and rowboat, which proved to be a hit with all the kids, and many of the adults!
Of course, I missed getting pictures of much of the group, since I took a turn with a few kids in the kayak. Awesome, awesome time. So of course, last night after getting home from camping, Nasser and I spent some time looking at various inflatable boats on Amazon. Hopefully sometime, if the price is right, and we are ready to spend it, we'll buy our first boat. Haha, yes, only the inflatable kind, but still awesome for things like this. Sunday morning, when Jake and I swam again, Nasser followed along in the kayak, along with a set of cousins. We started off the swim first, and by the time we reached the turn around point, at this little island, Nasser had caught up to us. The boys really enjoyed taking a couple steps on the island. Of course I have no pictures, since the swim was not conducive to bringing along my phone. I don't own a fancy camera, let alone a water proof one, although the one on my phone is fancy for phone cameras I suppose. Awesome thing to have readily available in most circumstances.
Anyway, Sunday after the swim was a mix of breakfast, some last minute boating again, and lots and lots of packing up and taking down. Our fabulous new tent, same one that both my sisters have for their families, had a slight mishap and one of the structure poles separated on us. Luckily the tent is under warranty. Speaking of tent, I never showed you the pictures I took once everything was set up, and not yet slept in.
Our view was fantastic.
And now this week, I have a mad rush of things to do. Lots of unpacking and laundry from the weekend of course. But then we turn around and leave for San Diego on Friday! It's going to be a fun, hopefully relaxing time (in which we'll hopefully get a bit of pool and beach time in), with some friends to see if possible. It's just our little family, which I'm honestly ready for, with those introvert tendencies I've been getting. We'll still be seeing a fair number of people though I guess. I'm hoping it's not too stressful of a trip. I want to enjoy it and not get depressed.
This week I also have some things to catch up on. I've been procrastinating a number of things since Adam died, perhaps needing to not do it at first, but now refusing to because I don't remember everything I need to know to do them. I have this volunteer job through my choir; I handle CD orders. Adam died on Friday night, at the start of our concert weekend. Everyone was so understanding about me needing to not handle any of the choir stuff in those weeks following his death. But now I need to take a deep breath and catch up on all that paperwork and financials, etc.
I still feel the pain of Adam's death acutely, but the times I feel ok/normal/happy are longer and more ok then they were in the weeks immediately following. I hope it's getting that way with all of us.
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
when I come home cold and tired, it's good to warm my bones beside the fire
Wednesday, 07/06/16, 2:16am (back to mountain time)
Well I wrote much of a blog post on my phone on the plane last night, but I'm too used to automatic saves when I write on my Chromebook. The phone app for blogger: not nearly as good as the app for Chromebook. Sigh. The entire post is gone. No one will ever read it.
I am writing (again on my phone, but this time I will save before turning off my phone screen again and likely save often) right now instead of sleeping, because honestly I'm feeling rather awake. I picked up an iced coffee in the Seattle airport late this afternoon for Nasser and me to share but they did not have decaf iced coffee, only regular. I got it anyway.
So here I am, wired at 2 am. Writing at least part of a blog post.
The flight went pretty well although kids did not sleep. There was some cute Minecraft to be had by all the boys.
I sat with the kiddos just in the beginning. Some eating, some looking out windows, some Minecraft, and RG actually showed me a bit of one of his worlds, one that friends have played in.
I love this series of photos from the boys eating their Panera Bread desserts. We picked them up after lunch, yeah we had Panera in Seattle (but we needed comfort food for all of us!). Cinnamon roll for RG. Candy cookie for TK.
Back to Minecraft, I have to admit, although I've been skeptical of it for some time and didn't get the draw to it, it kinda makes sense now. Not sure if I'll really get into playing (even if I've been known to play video games here and there), but the idea of being creative and building worlds together with my kids sounds appealing.
I love this series of photos from the boys eating their Panera Bread desserts. We picked them up after lunch, yeah we had Panera in Seattle (but we needed comfort food for all of us!). Cinnamon roll for RG. Candy cookie for TK.
Someone on the plane said that last shot was Mt St Helens. I was sitting on the wrong side of the plane, and on the aisle, so my plane pictures are certainly not the best, but it was very cool to see. Also saw Mt Rainier coming out of Seattle. Did not get a pic of that either.
Back to Minecraft, I have to admit, although I've been skeptical of it for some time and didn't get the draw to it, it kinda makes sense now. Not sure if I'll really get into playing (even if I've been known to play video games here and there), but the idea of being creative and building worlds together with my kids sounds appealing.
RG and TK tame wild ocelots in the game to get pet cats. It's pretty cute.
And they play together in eachother's worlds when they have WiFi. Sometimes with just the two of them, sometimes they play together with their cousins (like they did a fair amount of while on vacation with them), and now sometimes Nasser joins them. The cousins would call out, hey Uncle Nasser, can I join your world? There is something remarkably cute about them all playing together, nicely of course is the best, but there do end up being disagreements sometimes.
The flight didn't land in Denver until almost midnight mountain time. Really we don't have much to complain about; kids did well over all, although TK had a meltdown on the bus which poor Nasser dealt with. I was next to RG, who still had exciting stuff to tell me. They both got some much needed sleep in the car and transferred to bed decently well. Stressful at times but again, overall OK.
It is nice to be home. I'm tired, despite what the caffeine is doing to my head. And I was ready to be home.
We've had a good trip, saw some of the friends we wanted to see, missed a few others unfortunately. Saw some of the sights we wanted to see, missed many many others. On Friday, after the half marathon, we travelled from close to Canada, along the water, to Seattle where we moved into a new house rental along with my brother and his son who joined us for the second half of the trip. We had a pretty great house rental in West Seattle, close to Alki Beach (fantastic place and owner, nice location). None of them are ever perfect for your group but I think both houses worked out quite well, especially considering our last minute plan making for the trip. It's really all been planned in the last month-ish.
Friday night we saw a good friend of ours from growing up and her husband,
and on Saturday our portion of the group went to see Snoqualmie Falls to do some "easy" hiking down to the lower part of the falls and back up.
On Sunday, we met up with another friend and her 1 year old, saw Pike's Place Market, ate lunch at the famous Lowell's, and went to the Seattle Aquarium.
I love this next series of group selfies we took outside the Aquarium. Z goes in for the hair pull- so adorable!
We saw my cousin and his beautiful family that evening for dinner. Then on Monday, we took a water taxi, took a ferry, ran to catch the ferry back after walking around Bremerton, and ran to catch the water taxi after the ferry came back to Seattle.
We even got a decent view of distant fireworks from the rental house that evening.
It is now 3:20am, and I still can't sleep. So it is back to writing.
Today, or I suppose technically it was yesterday, we checked out of the house rental at around 10am, but our flight wasn't until 8:30pm. It really ended up being a decent day overall. We drove through Seattle a bit, around Green Lake, and we ended up south at the Museum of Flight.
Looking back on it, although stressful, the museum was good. Kids loved it, although keeping track of them was tricky because they wanted to run in opposite directions continuously. We ended up seeing Finding Dory in the afternoon at a mall between Seattle and SeaTac. We walked the kids around the mall for a bit, went to the Lego store, and checked out, and turned away from, the horribly crowded indoor play place. I don't especially love indoor malls. If I'm gonna go to a mall, I prefer open air malls much much more.
RG trying out the cockpit
You can barely see him in there!
TK was scared to go in without Daddy
(Oh that child- he explains to me why he wants Daddy to sit next to him on the plane instead of me with "I love you, but I love Daddy MORE!")
((sometimes this thought can trigger a depressive episode, but today, it's ok. kids have phases of preferring one parent more than the other, and that's normal. totally completely normal. sometimes I gotta just remind myself of that.))
the boys got to design and then fly their own plane in the simulator.
the choices they made were around the shape of the body, wings, and tail
for a balance of speed and maneuverability in the air. very cool activity.
the Daddy/TK team got second place out of all the kids/adults from the day
Looking back on it, although stressful, the museum was good. Kids loved it, although keeping track of them was tricky because they wanted to run in opposite directions continuously. We ended up seeing Finding Dory in the afternoon at a mall between Seattle and SeaTac. We walked the kids around the mall for a bit, went to the Lego store, and checked out, and turned away from, the horribly crowded indoor play place. I don't especially love indoor malls. If I'm gonna go to a mall, I prefer open air malls much much more.
Minecraft Legos. and Star Wars. Oh boy, we've got birthdays coming up this month!
Unfortunately the sun was starting to come out of the wet clouds right as we went to the airport.
Going to try and sleep again and hopefully I won't be writing more for several more hours. . . . . . . . . . . .
It is still Wednesday, 07/06/16, but now 9:38am
I've been up for 2 hours already, got in a grocery run and fed breakfast to one child. Still need to get the other child fed and breakfast made for Nasser and me. Nasser should be at work, although he's started looking at emails and he's on a work call at the moment.
Today is going to be busy, but a different busy than we've had the last 8 days or so. I've got laundry to run, some house straightening up to do, and potentially some prep packing for camping this weekend. YIKES, camping this weekend. It sounds so hard to be moving on to the next summer plans already!
And somehow another two hours, with some blog editing of all the above, and adding pictures, went by. I feel more relaxed, I'm blogging. Nasser is at work, we are all still decently full from the later breakfasts, and the boys are, ahem, playing some Minecraft on the Xbox. Although they've been playing Minecraft on their kids Kindles (because it was vacation and they did get some amount of that when we were just hanging out at the houses) but it's been 1.5 weeks ish since they got any Xbox time and a solid week without it before that. They've had a lot of travel over the last 2.5 weeks, they've been good travelers all in all, but it feels nice to be taking some relaxing and rejuvenating time too. And yeah, video games can be a little rejuvenating for my boys. They often are for Nasser as well, and they can be for me.
It feels so good to blog. I've been too much without it these last couple weeks.
Buddy the cat really missed us while we were on vacation. He didn't do too well while we slept in the wee hours of the morning, lots of scratching at the door and waking us up because he wanted to play. He's being a sweetheart right now, curled up behind me while I type on the bed.
I'm glad we did the trip, it was mostly all good, other than points when the kids got grumpy and tired, or points where Nasser or I got grumpy and tired. Luckily those low points didn't much coincide with the kids' low points. Although I suppose there were times where we all got grumpy, tired, and hungry in the car, all at the same time. There were a few points where I'd say I was depressed, but mostly I was able to recovery to an almost back to normal or perhaps back to normal. Sometimes it took awhile to get there while I silently cried in the car or while talking and breathing with Nasser in our bedroom. I think my family may have noticed a few moments maybe my eyes showed it, or maybe someone came across my tissues on the bed.
Sometimes I need to let go into those moments when I'm alone or just with my little family, to allow for those feelings to get out, or blog about it, in order to let those feelings go. I feel like I hold those feelings in so desperately sometimes, those thoughts that trigger my depression. I need to let them go or speak them aloud to Nasser and cry about it, or blog about it, and I can release them. Talking about my depression and my low moments sometimes, and somehow, gives the strong me power. Power over my depression. To keep it from controlling me.
I've been meaning to take time to think about who I am. And what I'm about. It's a thing from therapy that's been my homework for some time and I haven't figured out quite what to say. Well let's give it a go now.
I am strong. I am warrior. I am badass.
I am friend. I am woman.
I am runner/swimmer/cyclist/skier/hiker/triathlete.
I am citizen. I am human.
I am mother. I am wife. I am daughter and daughter-in-law. I am sister and sister-in-law. I am aunt. I am cousin, I am niece, I am granddaughter and granddaughter-in-law. I am friend.
I am lots of things to many different people. I am acquaintance, I am blog writer, I am facebook friend.
I am a patient. I am a mental illness patient.
I am open, I am honest, I am truthful. I am sensitive. I am full of love.
If you've read until the end, thank you. Thank you, dear dear readers for allowing me to be honest.
It feels so good to blog. I've been too much without it these last couple weeks.
Buddy the cat really missed us while we were on vacation. He didn't do too well while we slept in the wee hours of the morning, lots of scratching at the door and waking us up because he wanted to play. He's being a sweetheart right now, curled up behind me while I type on the bed.
I'm glad we did the trip, it was mostly all good, other than points when the kids got grumpy and tired, or points where Nasser or I got grumpy and tired. Luckily those low points didn't much coincide with the kids' low points. Although I suppose there were times where we all got grumpy, tired, and hungry in the car, all at the same time. There were a few points where I'd say I was depressed, but mostly I was able to recovery to an almost back to normal or perhaps back to normal. Sometimes it took awhile to get there while I silently cried in the car or while talking and breathing with Nasser in our bedroom. I think my family may have noticed a few moments maybe my eyes showed it, or maybe someone came across my tissues on the bed.
Sometimes I need to let go into those moments when I'm alone or just with my little family, to allow for those feelings to get out, or blog about it, in order to let those feelings go. I feel like I hold those feelings in so desperately sometimes, those thoughts that trigger my depression. I need to let them go or speak them aloud to Nasser and cry about it, or blog about it, and I can release them. Talking about my depression and my low moments sometimes, and somehow, gives the strong me power. Power over my depression. To keep it from controlling me.
I've been meaning to take time to think about who I am. And what I'm about. It's a thing from therapy that's been my homework for some time and I haven't figured out quite what to say. Well let's give it a go now.
I am strong. I am warrior. I am badass.
I am friend. I am woman.
I am runner/swimmer/cyclist/skier/hiker/triathlete.
I am citizen. I am human.
I am mother. I am wife. I am daughter and daughter-in-law. I am sister and sister-in-law. I am aunt. I am cousin, I am niece, I am granddaughter and granddaughter-in-law. I am friend.
I am lots of things to many different people. I am acquaintance, I am blog writer, I am facebook friend.
I am a patient. I am a mental illness patient.
I am open, I am honest, I am truthful. I am sensitive. I am full of love.
If you've read until the end, thank you. Thank you, dear dear readers for allowing me to be honest.
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