One of the things that I do (a lot of people with mental illness do this, hell, even a lot of you normal people do this) is I ruminate. Here's the definition I found in Google:
ru·mi·nate
ˈro͞oməˌnāt/
verb
- 1.think deeply about something."we sat ruminating on the nature of existence"
synonyms: think about, contemplate, consider, meditate on, muse on, mull over, ponder on/over,deliberate about/on, chew on, puzzle over;
formalcogitate about"we ruminated on the nature of existence"
It's funny, reading the definition I don't think there's an implied negative connotation, but I've always used it negatively for myself. I ruminate over little things people say to me, a reference someone made in an email; I ruminate over relationships in my life.
I wish I didn't do it. I'm working on stopping. It's exhausting to ruminate over things that are out of my control. And it's exhausting to try to stop myself from ruminating over things that are out of my control.
I've been ruminating a lot since I had my little facebook breakdown the other day, although I've been improving since yesterday. I know that the medication part of my treatment is going to take some time, but for now, I can work on some of the things I've learned in therapy but hardly ever practice really.
The big thing I'm working on for now is mindfulness. It's a practice used to be more aware of your thoughts, and start to control those thoughts a little better. I've mentioned it in the past, but now I need to take it more seriously.
I've done a few things to "work on" mindfulness. I downloaded a useful book again on my phone, called "The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness", and I've started reading bits here and there. I pulled out my old "Mind Over Mood" book from 2 therapists ago and started reading a chapter on negative "core beliefs". My negative core beliefs, the negative irrational thoughts that keep coming back just about every time I get depressed, are like "I am a failure", "I'm a bad mom", "I suck at life", and "I'm a burden to everyone". When I get depressed, it's like I have blinders on and all I see is the evidence that supports these negative core beliefs.
I'm trying to also figure out how to incorporate mindfulness in my daily routine. I remembered yesterday that I'm great at practicing mindfulness in the shower, feeling the water pour over my face I can forget everything that's wrong and just be in that moment. I think in general I need to work on "being in the moment". Last night, I thought about that when I was singing TK to sleep. I've got this weird ability to read on my phone while I sing certain songs from memory, but when I do that I'm not being present in the moment. Last night, I kept my phone away and sang and thought about the words and enjoyed giving TK a back scratch.
My mother-in-law sent me a great, well researched email of support, with links to various groups in the area that I might find helpful. There is one on mindfulness that I'm strongly considering to start with, if I can work out the logistics of childcare, etc. There are other groups to consider as well; as much as I've been scared of groups, maybe it's time to suck up that fear and try it. Of course, I keep feeling this guilt over costs- of therapy, of medication, of extra doctor appointments- and now of group therapy. Nasser keeps reminding me that it's worth the upfront cost if we can get me to a better place. Sometimes it's hard to picture that better place or think that it's possible.
Love and peace to all. Even if I've offended or blamed or disconnected with you this week. I've never meant to and I make my way through my depression in what I find is best for me at that time.
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