School starts back up tomorrow. RG will be starting 3rd grade, TK will be in kindergarten although he doesn't officially start until Monday. We need this probably but I don't really feel ready. Even though theoretically I'll have all this extra time, at least when TK is at school (he's only part time for kindergarten).
I haven't been doing so great lately. Really I haven't been doing well since Adam died, but his death is not the only reason I'm not doing well. I also made the choice to share my blog more widely which has been a good experience in a lot of ways but also a bit terrifying, overwhelming, and in some ways shaming. Although I don't believe there is any shame in living with a mental illness, I feel shame when I think about what others think of me after reading what I share. I wonder if I just come across as a "crazy", confirming what many assume and stigmatize about mental illness. I feel less connected with some people in my life since sharing so widely. Perhaps this blog was a better thing to keep guarded and well protected, for my own sanity.
But then I do wish mental illness could be more talked about, I want (for myself and others) to feel that I can be open in sharing my struggles, and I want some of that mental illness stigma to break down. I suppose how can I bring that about without being open?
Someone said something recently to me with relation to internet/facebook/blogging and getting a job. There is so much out there now available to learn about people, I suppose my blogging could prevent me getting a job in the future. If I struggle as much as I do with depression, am I qualified to hold a job?
One of the reasons I quit my job last year was because of my depression. It was also for the kids and having the opportunities to be more involved in the school, etc. Of course. But there was a part of me that felt like working was too hard with my depression.
I think I keep finding things in my life that I can't keep up with and that just further validates (in my mind) the belief that I'm a failure.
Nasser and I have been trying to look back on my time with depression and see if we can pinpoint any times where I was doing much better. We can't really say that my life has been significantly improved by any of the medications I've tried. Maybe it's hard to determine that in hindsight, but it's enough to prompt us to want to try something new. I had an appointment with my doctor yesterday and I'm now in the process of weaning my antidepressant and will be starting a new one next week.
I guess we wait and see.
I've been scared for a long time to try a new medication. I'm scared of the side effects of weaning off one. And I'm worried the new medication won't help or maybe it will make me worse. I'm scared.
But it's time. We take a deep breath, maybe count backwards from 10, and say "it'll be ok". Maybe this time I'll find the right one. If not, we'll figure it out. That's really how my life has been for a long time now: we'll figure it out. As long as we can take this attitude, I think we'll manage.
Monday morning, for the first time in a long time, I got up early and went for a run, before Nasser needed to leave for work. It seems like I should have been able to do that regularly this summer, and it probably would have helped me so much with the depression, but lately it's like I can't get out of bed in the mornings. Monday I did though. I did a 3.8mi run and felt good.
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