life has a funny way of helping you out

Saturday, 08/18/18, 12:56pm

In the last few hours I've been thinking about expectations. Big expectations. Low expectations. Loads of expectations.

Each of us has some amount of expectations over our heads.

I don't think about it often enough, but I suppose I expect Nasser to work, to keep a job, to support our family, to provide healthcare so that I can be treated, to work because I feel unable to work.

I expect our kids to listen to us (at least some or most of the time. to be honest I suppose I expect it all the time and that's why I freak out everytime they don't listen). I expect our kids to help out in the house in certain ways- to set the table, to clear and clean the table especially when they make a mess, to clean up their toys when it's needed or I need it, to get themselves ready for school or for us going places, to do their homework, to eat what I feed them, to brush their teeth in the mornings and evenings, to take a shower when I tell them they really need it, to be nice to eachother and to us. Hmmm, I guess that's a lot of expectations.

I expect a lot of things out of myself. I expect to get myself to work out everyday. I expect for me to choose to eat healthy everyday, to stick to a plan to lose weight. I expect for myself to be strong for the people around me, and for myself. I expect to fight the depression. I expect myself to not let it trickle in, to control me. I expect to be capable, quickly, every time it hits, to fight, and to fight hard.

I expect a lot of more "normal" things as well. I expect to take care of my family, to keep a safe home, to provide support to my children and husband (emotionally, lovingly, as well as nutritionally, logistically, socially, and whatever). I expect to either work outside the home or to take on a lot of childcare in the home (or both).

I expect to try. really hard. I expect to try the things I know should could help me. I expect to work on integrating into my life things like regular exercise, healthy eating, mindfulness, practice in calming myself, reading, forgiving myself, dropping my bad thoughts into my bucket of soapy water (see previous post).

I have expected, going into each treatment over the years, that this would be the thing that worked. I expected to "get better" with electro-convulsive therapy. And I have, in particular in comparison to what I was going into it, but I think I expected more. I'm not sure what I expected/expect with every treatment. Maybe I expect(ed) that something out there will just make me miraculously 100% better. And I know that everyone deals with bad days, etc. I'm pretty sure the stuff I'm still experiencing are still within the depression spectrum. I was told recently that I'm "in remission". I'm still trying to figure out what that means. I guess by this definition, "if the disease is in remission, the disease has been controlled so that they are not as ill as they were", it would be valid. I suppose I need to modify my expectations. Depression/Bipolar II is a lifelong illness and can't be "cured" in the true sense, but only "remitted".

And I am not as ill as I was. And I am finding that other things are working more than they ever did (cognitive behavioral therapy for one, practicing strategies on my own, actively finding ways to improve my mood when it hits rather than ruminating, even if I start off ruminating). I guess I expected just wish I was cured, rather than remitted only.

I've been wondering how to "phase out" ECT. It's been every 4 weeks for a little while now, our appointment with the ECT doc this past Thursday was good, but it was much up to me. We came up with the options to either stop here and see how it goes (as has been an option for some time now) or to taper more slowly, getting myself to every 5 weeks, 6 weeks, up to 8 weeks, and stop there. Either way I plan to set reminders for myself to "check in" with my feelings, with how I'm doing. And I'll be setting up a doctor appointment to check in a few months after stopping to be sure I don't need a boost. I decided to set up the appointment for a treatment at about 5.5 weeks and I'll cancel if I'm feeling like that's the right decision. Tapering does feel a bit safer to me though.

I've been really judging myself when it comes to ECT lately. Maybe I had the expectation that I would be done sooner. Maybe it's this prejudice that I have against myself that I'm messed up because I still need ECT (maybe I have a prejudice against myself that I did mess up enough to need ECT in the first place). I do tend to feel like people are judging me when I mention treatment and it feels like they are thinking "wow, she's still doing that??". And of course, most, if not all, of this is in my head. But knowing that doesn't really help much.


I guess I need to remind myself that I'm in remission, not cured. If and when I need heftier treatment, be it ECT or something else, later on, whenever it is, in life, it is ok. It is and always will be a journey.


PS, here's what I've been working on a bit today, after starting to feel crappy. I'm currently calling it my "comfort book", which I may have mentioned in a previous post, but I've made some progress. These are all things/images/quotes/pictures that speak to me, provide me comfort and/or motivation.

whispered in the sound of silence

Sunday, 08/14/16, 10:06am

One of the things that I do (a lot of people with mental illness do this, hell, even a lot of you normal people do this) is I ruminate. Here's the definition I found in Google:

ru·mi·nate

ˈro͞oməˌnāt/

verb

1. 1.

   think deeply about something.

   "we sat ruminating on the nature of existence"

   synonyms:

   think about, contemplate, consider, meditate on, muse on, mull over, ponder on/over,deliberate about/on, chew on, puzzle over; formalcogitate about "we ruminated on the nature of existence"

It's funny, reading the definition I don't think there's an implied negative connotation, but I've always used it negatively for myself. I ruminate over little things people say to me, a reference someone made in an email; I ruminate over relationships in my life.

I wish I didn't do it. I'm working on stopping. It's exhausting to ruminate over things that are out of my control. And it's exhausting to try to stop myself from ruminating over things that are out of my control.

I've been ruminating a lot since I had my little facebook breakdown the other day, although I've been improving since yesterday. I know that the medication part of my treatment is going to take some time, but for now, I can work on some of the things I've learned in therapy but hardly ever practice really.

The big thing I'm working on for now is mindfulness. It's a practice used to be more aware of your thoughts, and start to control those thoughts a little better. I've mentioned it in the past, but now I need to take it more seriously.

I've done a few things to "work on" mindfulness. I downloaded a useful book again on my phone, called "The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness", and I've started reading bits here and there. I pulled out my old "Mind Over Mood" book from 2 therapists ago and started reading a chapter on negative "core beliefs". My negative core beliefs, the negative irrational thoughts that keep coming back just about every time I get depressed, are like "I am a failure", "I'm a bad mom", "I suck at life", and "I'm a burden to everyone". When I get depressed, it's like I have blinders on and all I see is the evidence that supports these negative core beliefs.

I'm trying to also figure out how to incorporate mindfulness in my daily routine. I remembered yesterday that I'm great at practicing mindfulness in the shower, feeling the water pour over my face I can forget everything that's wrong and just be in that moment. I think in general I need to work on "being in the moment". Last night, I thought about that when I was singing TK to sleep. I've got this weird ability to read on my phone while I sing certain songs from memory, but when I do that I'm not being present in the moment. Last night, I kept my phone away and sang and thought about the words and enjoyed giving TK a back scratch.

My mother-in-law sent me a great, well researched email of support, with links to various groups in the area that I might find helpful. There is one on mindfulness that I'm strongly considering to start with, if I can work out the logistics of childcare, etc. There are other groups to consider as well; as much as I've been scared of groups, maybe it's time to suck up that fear and try it. Of course, I keep feeling this guilt over costs- of therapy, of medication, of extra doctor appointments- and now of group therapy. Nasser keeps reminding me that it's worth the upfront cost if we can get me to a better place. Sometimes it's hard to picture that better place or think that it's possible.

Love and peace to all. Even if I've offended or blamed or disconnected with you this week. I've never meant to and I make my way through my depression in what I find is best for me at that time.

getting strong now, gonna fly now

Wednesday, 05/11/16, 10:48am

I had an anxiety/panic attack coming on this morning. Anxiety or panic, I'm not really sure. I suppose I should WebMD the two and figure out which one it is I'm having. I'm pretty sure it's more of an anxiety attack, since from what I remember of panic attacks, they get even more physical and are a bit more severe.

Let's be smart and WebMD them together, shall we? And yes, we're using WebMD as a verb, just as we do with Google.

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Well a couple minutes on WebMD got me even more confused. I can't seem to find much information on "anxiety attacks"; every time I click a link that I think is going to be that, they start talking about panic attacks. And I don't think that's what I'm getting. The symptoms of a panic attack are rather severe and similar to a heart attack. I've never had a heart attack, but I don't want to put what I have in this category because it all sounds worse than what I get. Of course what I get is pretty miserable on its own.

When I feel what I call "anxiety attacks", my body gets really tense. I start ruminating over different issues I see in my life, however irrational they sometimes may be. I do have an increased heart rate, similar to panic attacks, and some of the other symptoms. Actually here are the symptoms of a panic attack, from WebMD.

Panic attacks are intense periods of fear or feelings of doom developing over a very short time frame -- up to 10 minutes -- and associated with at least four of the following:

• Sudden overwhelming fear
• Palpitations
• Sweating
• Trembling
• Shortness of breath
• Sense of choking
• Chest pain
• Nausea
• Dizziness
• A feeling of being detached from the world (de-realization)
• Fear of dying
• Numbness or tingling in the limbs or entire body
• Chills or hot flushes

I get a few of these- sudden overwhelming fear, trembling (some), shortness of breath, dizziness (some). So yeah, could go either way on whether or not it's a panic attack.

I don't really care what we name these, but from now on I will be referring to these "episodes" I get with anxiety as "anxiety attacks". Someday I need to do a blog post on my personal definitions. How I define depression, mental illness, mental health, anxiety, depressive episodes, anxiety attacks. I suppose that many of my readers have a definition in their mind of these terms, but it's helpful to understand how I define them as well. How you picture a "depressive episode" may actually be very different from how I experience them which may actually be very different from how Nasser experiences and observes them (because he gets the lucky seat of both points of view).

This morning, I was panicking over everything in the upcoming weeks. We have a lot going on between choir concerts for me this weekend (which means extra rehearsals during the week plus both concerts, which means Nasser has a lot of added evening responsibility), Nasser is getting a boys night with my brother-in-law tonight since it's the night between the choir rehearsal nights and I wanted to give him some time considering all he's doing this week. Then my friend flies into town Monday night, Tuesday is going to be a packed day, we have a concert Tuesday night, and we're flying to DC Wednesday morning. Of course, that is going to be a super packed, super fun weekend, we're going to see a whole lot of people we love, many many friends, some family. I'm excited by everything that we have going on, but it is feeling super packed and stressful.

My wonderful sister, after hearing that I was panicking, came over to help. She took TK, with her son D, to my fabulous parents who will watch boys while she runs. Then I get the day to myself until picking up RG from the bus this afternoon. :)

I'm doing a lot better. And I wouldn't even say that I had a full-blown anxiety attack. I think it was the start, Nasser caught it early and suggested I take my anti-anxiety medication. I've gotten close to getting back into it again when I was talking with my sister, but it hasn't taken hold. I know it's not a full-blow attack, because if it was, it would have then triggered a depressive episode.

The goal today is to avoid that depressive episode. Because that's the worst I ever experience and it can turn really quickly from anxiety attack to depressive episode to full-blown depressive episode. I think if I were to define it now, a full-blown depressive episode brings up all those deep, dark, painful things that destroy my self-confidence and comfort and happiness and self-worth which then leads to the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness about my life. This place, without coping strategies, and continuous rumination, can lead to suicidal thoughts. It's a dangerous path, but I've gone down at various distances down that path many, many, many times. Today, I hope to stay closer to home, not beyond "start of anxiety attack".

I'm feeling really confident that I can do this. This is one of those times where, if someone were to tell me that I have the power to make this a good day, I'd say, yes, you're right. And look at me, I'm doing exactly the right things: blogging, getting ready for a bike ride, I accepted help from my supportive family. But if someone were to tell me that when I'm in a darker place, that statement turns into guilt and shame over being depressed. Nasser is learning to be more careful when he says that to me: that I have the power, that I can "do this". You really have to know which state I'm in, if I'm recovered enough to find confidence in that statement, or if that statement will trigger shame over the "but I don't, and I can't".

Well, dear blog, it is time to get on my bike. I have put it off long enough. Hopefully the weather stays good.