my actions make me beautiful and dignify the flesh. me. I am free. free.

Friday, 09/15/17, 11:26am, 1:26pm

Hey everyone. I'm taking some time today to watch and re-watch some Brené Brown videos. Do you remember me talking about Brené Brown some time ago? Here, here, and here, just to name a few. She is a research professor/author/public speaker who has done a lot of work with vulnerability, courage, shame, and empathy. Her TED talks are worth a watch if you've never seen them: on vulnerability and on shame are the original two, but she's got a lot more stuff out there these days, and honestly I'm a bit behind on everything she's put out there. I still love the empathy cartoon she narrates... it's short, you can handle the less than 3 minutes to watch it...

When I wrote about how to support someone with a mental illness, back in May of this year, the big, big thing I talked about was empathy. Empathy doesn't just apply to supporting someone with a mental illness, or any illness; it applies EVERYWHERE in our lives. It applies to making a connection with anyone you meet, whether it's through work, or school, or in our neighborhoods. Whatever community you're in, empathy is useful. Anyway, watch the cartoon short if you haven't yet. I mean it. Seriously. Do it now.

I wanted to discuss in a little more depth about vulnerability. Brené talks about how "vulnerability – the willingness to be 'all in' even when you know it can mean failing and hurting – is brave." And this is based on her research.

I've felt decently good since reading Brené's book Daring Greatly about how vulnerable I really am by being so open about my depression and anxiety, about sharing some really shameful feeling things from my life, and deciding to ignore the stigma that's out there and sharing anyway. I'm certainly not as good at daring greatly as plenty of other people out there, but something recently made me feel good about it again. Last week, we had Back To School Night at our kiddos' elementary school. In fact it was the same day as an ECT treatment, which made it rather hard for me considering headache and fatigue and the desperate desire to just be in bed, but I really wanted to be there. Partially since we have a brand new school building as of this school year so I really wanted to see it a bit more, but also because every new school year there's new things to learn from the new teachers, etc, and whatever else. Well, the new PTO president for this school year was speaking, and I was there, thinking, "OMYGOSH, I totally know her, but I can't think of where I know her from, because of all these damn memory problems from ECT. Well SHIT." And at some point, in passing, she even acknowledged me and was like "hey Alisa, how are you?" So, when I had a chance to actually talk to her one on one, I immediately started with, "So I have to tell you something. I'm going through this big medical treatment right now, and one of the major side effects is short term memory loss. So I know I know you, but I can't think where from. I am so sorry." She, of course, was totally empathetic and immediately told me about how her kid so and so is the same grade as RG, etc, etc. I have to say it didn't even occur to me that saying all this to her was being vulnerable until Nasser labeled it as such, but really, being honest and open about ECT IS being vulnerable. It's not that easy all the time to do so, but I definitely find that being this way has more benefit than not being this way. I mean, I'm getting a rather large amount of support from family, and friends, and neighbors, and how would that be possible if I were super secretive about it? And being vulnerable isn't super easy. I mean, I don't get a response from anyone, most of the time. I write my blog and very rarely get likes, or +1's, or comments, or anything. And that definitely used to bother me, a lot. I feel like blogging in the last few weeks (as I've gotten myself doing more regularly for literally the past 3 weeks) has been different in that sense. I don't feel like I've cared about the response from my blog nearly as much as I used to, and I expect that the difference is because I'm nowhere near as depressed as I used to be. But I do know that it's easy to dip back into caring a lot about that stuff, and I'm trying to keep myself out of that.

There's this Brené Brown book that I started some time ago, but haven't gotten all that far into, and as it turns out, I'm pretty sure I have to simply re-start it because of the memory problems. Here it is:

Isn't that, um, perfect for what I was just talking about? I think this one is going to have a profound effect on me, but, with the treatment, it's been difficult to get myself to get into this book since it feels so self-helpy and all. But, I have to remind myself: this is Brené Brown, I'm going to love it. AND, it will probably help me A TON. Because usually when I'm feeling depressed, it's because I DON'T feel like I'm enough. It's a pretty shitty feeling.

Here was my "start my day off well" activity while at my sister and brother-in-law's house (since my bro-in-law works from home so he can be my 24/7 person pretty easily many days).

I know, I know, I've shared a picture of this mug before, but I still love it so much. And I have to recommend this book to everyone. It's wonderful, and this author uses amazing animal pictures to tell his stories. So great. So so great. I'll share one page from the book:

Heeheehee.

Not that I was having a blue day, really, at all, but that book and mug just put me in an even better mood, which I could always use, right?

I thought up a lot of things I want to do this weekend and put them as possibilities in my calendar. The intent here is to hopefully avoid some of the depression I've been having on weekends by creating some schedule or routine to the weekend, as that was one thought we had as to why this was happening. But I'm aware that if I don't do these, I may end up with more guilt, and therefore, more depression. That's why I'm trying to set the expectation up that all of these are possibilities. We'll see how well I follow that idea.

My next ECT treatment is on Monday, which makes it 12 days (woohoo!). Making progress, at least slowly. Unfortunately, and I didn't even realize this until this week, Monday is also a day off from school for my kids, BUT we are getting loads of help from lots of different family that day to make it all work. Although, really, even if I didn't have treatment on Monday, I'd still need help with my kids because the 24/7 thing makes it so I can't be in charge of my kids on my own anyway. So oh well.

I'm trying to be as brave and accepting of myself as I can be as I go into this weekend. Well, really I guess I'm trying to come up with as many ideas as I can to not be depressed, but maybe what I should be doing is coming up with ideas for if I DO get depressed. Hmmm. Like maybe put some activities on my calendar for "what to do if you're feeling shitty". FYI, I might just have to type that out here, because I am currently blogging and all, so it's kinda the natural thing to do, right?

For when I get depressed, down, or feel bad in any way:

• Take a deep breath, or 100
• Try a downward dog pose, or any other yoga pose (in the safety of my home or with people in a class, but only if I want to)
• Eat a piece of dark chocolate (because dark chocolate can stimulate neurogenesis you know)
• Do jumping jacks for 1 minute, then close eyes and breathe deeply for 10 seconds
• Hug Nasser, RG, and TK
• Lay in the hammock, with some ice cold water, and maybe a book
• Read The Blue Day Book
• Take a short nap, or a long nap, or just lay in bed for a half hour
• Take a sniff of lemon oil because "lemon oil is calming in nature and therefore helps in removing mental fatigue, exhaustion, dizziness, anxiety, nervousness and nervous tension. It has the ability to refresh the mind by creating a positive mindset and eliminating negative emotions." (that's from here)
• Watch a favorite movie, like "The Princess Bride" or one of "Lord of the Rings" or "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" or "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" or "Finding Nemo" or "Toy Story" or something else that I can't think of right now
• Watch a favorite TV show, like "Doctor Who" or "Friends" or "The Magic School Bus" or some nature-y show on Netflix or "The Late Show with Stephen Colbert" or again, something else that I can't think of right now
• Do whatever the hell I want to do

I'll add to the list when I come up with more, but that's a decent start for now. Hopefully it helps if any of that depression comes up this weekend. Wish me luck, all.

and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on

Monday, 08/08/16, 12:58pm, 2:05pm

I shared my last post on facebook, since I was "fulfilling the Love your Spouse Challenge". And, like most of the times when I share a bit more widely, I felt some of that vulnerability hangover that I've felt before. That sick to your stomach feeling of oh crap, I just shared some really honest things about myself! And the inevitable does everyone who reads my stuff just think I'm nuts and what they read confirms the stigma around mental illness? I hope not, but I don't often get much feedback. So far it's been all positive, but I wonder if the negative opinions have just been keeping their mouths shut not wanting to say it because they know I'm "delicate" with my emotions. More likely people don't know how to respond to the things I write about or don't feel comfortable doing so. And that's part of what I'd like to break down in writing about mental illness.

Is it a question of you don't know what to say? Personally, I just like knowing that there are people out there who care about my well-being, who support me with thoughts or prayers or good vibes. Whether that's a quick email/google chat/text/facebook message/+1 to the blog post to say how are things going today? Or just a smiley face to say thinking of you. It's hard to know how to support someone who is going through something so unfamiliar to you, or even familiar, but has a stigma. And supporting someone who is a bit emotionally volatile. I guess I am that, although it's hard to admit.

It was hard to support Adam, my brother-in-law who many know suffered from schizophrenia. He was often emotionally volatile, and there were the added side effects of his illness; you often competed with the voices in his head.

Sometimes supporting is staying out of that person's issues until called on for support. Sometimes it's offering kind words on a random day. Sometimes it's watching their kids for them to get in a run or bike ride or therapy appointment. Sometimes it's sitting with them while they cry. Sometimes it's chatting electronically so that they can hide their lows comfortably.

For those of you out there who worry about me but aren't sure how to express it, please know that I am trying as hard as I feel I can when it comes to my mental health treatment. I get that the state of my well-being sometimes is scary, but those times don't magically disappear with a pill, even if it's the right one. I'm working on it, we're working on it, and support from you means the world to me and helps me improve.

Lots of love to all my readers, wherever you may be. I hope that you all have a strong support network for the struggles you go through in life, whatever they may be. Whatever support I may provide in writing, I hope to provide it. I am humbled by those who have told me they find comfort in my words, and only wish to continue doing so. If you are having a tough day or hour or year, it's often hard to remember that it gets better. But it's true, it gets better.  And if it doesn't, get help. From those who love you, from the girl blogger from cloud cuckoo land, if there's any way for her to help. ;)

does it feel left behind, all alone, all alone

Tuesday, 06/21/16, 3:25pm

I think I now know the vulnerability hangover. There's the glaring thought in my brain today of "what were you thinking, sharing your blog on facebook? most of those people barely know you!" I've just invited a whole bunch of people in to know me much much better.

Gulp.

Ok, but I chose to do that. Fully knowing these feelings may come. But many of these feelings seem petty and weak and... I feel awful and low over the thoughts going through my head. I feel like I should be stronger or something, but maybe my feelings are perfectly natural.

I need to remember my goal. (Really the number one goal is to help me; my blog provides my writing therapy). But I also hope that through my words I may help those who struggle with mental illness, help those who support people with mental illness, and break down the stigma a little bit at a time.

I refer to the stigma a lot around mental illness, but does everyone understand what it is and what it means? When I search "stigma", Google's first definition that pops up is:

stig·ma

ˈstiɡmə/

noun

1. 1.

   a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.

   "the stigma of mental disorder"

   synonyms:

   shame, disgrace, dishonor, ignominy, opprobrium, humiliation, (bad) reputation "the stigma of bankruptcy"

Notice how the first example is "the stigma of mental disorder". Now really, if someone has a disease of the brain, why the FUCK should they feel ashamed, disgraced, or dishonored in any possible way????

We need to all understand, mental illness is NOT in the control of the person who has it. It is within that person's control to seek treatment, however it is made harder to do so because of the debilitating fear of stigma.

The fear of being rejected, of being told it's your fault. The fear that others will think differently of you, that others will define you by your illness.

Those fears are not unfounded. Mental illness is so stigmatized, people are afraid to discuss it. Only in relevance to mass shootings, as one of the causes. That just makes the stigma worse.

Take a little break, and watch this episode of John Oliver's on Mental Health. He's got his facts straight. It's worth your time, even if you can only dedicate a minute to start it.

It's hard to watch it, and not be reminded of how our mental healthcare system failed Adam.

For me, stigma is a friend who has closed off to me ever since I became open about my illness. I notice those and they hurt. Stigma was not being able to get the right care from my ob-gyn because I mentioned the word depression. The fear of stigma is not wanting to go out in public when I'm depressed and I worry people will judge me. The fear of stigma was refusing to call the doctor when I first realized I was depressed. I had to get over that hump too. And that hump can vary in size between people. It's often worse for men, because society creates these strong man expectations and because depression is viewed as weakness.

Ugh, stigma. It makes us refuse to talk about mental illness and so makes these diseases incredibly lonely. I refuse to stop talking about it. Even if I stand alone.

I may be paranoid, but not an android

Wednesday, 03/02/16, 7:41am

Sometimes it can be hard to blog again after sharing with additional people. After Monday's post I decided to send an email to people I've already shared with as well as some new ones, and I was quite surprised after adding names to the bcc list to see how many there were. And then, of course, I got overwhelmed with the stats of my blog. Watching the pageviews go up can be super exciting yet also quite daunting. I've received a number of support emails since although I haven't felt comfortable responding to all of them yet. Yeah that's right, despite how brutally honest I get in my blog, I don't feel comfortable responding to emails always. But that's me.

I think I've had a little of what Brené Brown calls a "vulnerability hangover". It really hasn't been too bad, but I definitely felt too scared to blog yesterday.

Vulnerability hangovers can happen after a long talk with a friend about depression, after opening up to someone new, after an emotionally heavy therapy or psychiatrist appointment. At least that's how it happens with me. I question whether I should have talked about certain things, I wonder if people are judging me, and I also feel excited that I dared greatly. It tends to be a bit of a rollercoaster. The vulnerability hangover is probably the main reason therapy can be so hard and not always feel like it's helping. The first appointment (or more) with a new therapist comes with heavy vulnerability hangovers. It is such an emotional toll to spill out your story to someone new, especially someone you don't really know yet and you're not even sure you want to know. Therapy is one of those things where it often gets worse before it gets better. I think a big reason people who "don't like" therapy (beyond the stigma people have) don't benefit because they never get past that first appointment or first few appointments. I once went just one time to a new therapist. I was in the process of "trying out" new therapists, and saw someone who was on my insurance list but I really didn't know more about her. The experience was not super pleasant. I had the emotional rollercoaster of going through my story with someone new, but then I additionally felt a lot of judgement from her on certain things. I think the good therapists try to limit any judgement or at least, don't let it show.

Let's talk about stigma again though. I never back away from talking about it. Because we need to. The stigma around mental illness makes it difficult for people to get support because it becomes this thing that we are just completely unable to talk about. Even though I get brutally honest in my blog, it doesn't mean that I talk about depression openly and honestly with people in my life. I talk about it with some people sometimes. And it's usually an uncomfortable conversation, we get shifty eyed, and we wait and hope for the conversation to end. That's not always true, but that tends to be how it's talked about in person. And seriously, what. the. hell. Mental illness is disease of the brain, which as researchers are increasingly learning, can strongly be related to biological processes in the brain or the weakness/strength of certain neurological pathways. The most recent evidence in schizophrenia research suggest that a specific gene is contributing to excessive "synaptic pruning," which is the elimination of connections between neurons.

Despite all this, the stigma equates mental illness to psychological weakness. Doesn't that suck? So many people suffer from mental illness, about 1 in 5 in any given year according to the Mayo Clinic. And yet, all these people are "weak"???? Why can't we treat mental illness like we do with any illness? Why do we have to be embarrassed to be on anti-depressants, anxiety medication, or anti-psychotics? Why, when someone could really benefit from one of these medications, do they refuse treatment? It would be considered abnormal to refuse treatment for a thyroid condition, for diabetes, for stage 1 cancer. And yet, we do for mental illness.

Now granted, I've come a long way in fighting my own stigmas. I am on medications and no longer feel the need to wean myself from them, although I used to feel that way. I go to therapy, although I still look for ways to spread my appointments out more because I think I shouldn't need to go as often or I feel guilty about the cost. I still have to overcome the stigma a little to share these things about myself. But I know others who have never had professional treatment. Maybe they can manage it well enough on their own, and some people can depending on the severity, but I hope these people aren't refusing treatment because of the stigma. And if so, I hope I can help dispel the fears a little. Because treatment is worth it. Taking the edge off the illness with medication, taking yourself out of the cloud is worth it. Talking through coping mechanisms with a therapist and practicing ways to strengthen the positive neurological pathways is worth it.

I hope to someday live in a world where mental illness is simply treated as it comes up. I hope to someday live in a world where we have accessibility to better treatments with fewer side effects. I hope to someday live in a world where we can talk about mental illness as a society, focusing on making things better for those with mental illness as well as for those caring for loved ones with mental illness. This isn't something we can hide under the carpet anymore.

how many times can a man turn his head and pretend that he just doesn't see?

Monday, 02/29/16, 8:08am

Relationships are hard. Any and all of them can be hard. Marriage partners, family members, in-laws, friends, co-workers, acquaintances. And you get the added difficulty of trying to stay in touch with people when you don't live in the same area. It's hard. And relationship dynamics are different with different people. Some friends take offense when you're not great about keeping in touch, and for other friends, although you may not talk very often, whether it be weeks, months, or even years, you can pick up where you left off and you know that you both care about eachother still.

Sometimes there are strains on certain relationships that will never go away. Topics that are always off limits, pains of old hurts. Sometimes you can keep a relationship by just avoiding some of those things, sometimes you can talk these things through and get to a stronger place, and sometimes the relationship can never recover. The ideal, of course, is that you talk about issues and get to a stronger place in this shared relationship. And me being a perfectionist, I want to fix all my relationships to always be in a stronger place. And maybe that's not always possible. I try, I worry, I think a lot, I worry some more. But maybe sometimes I just need to let go of certain things. Maybe, if possible, it's a better compromise to keep relationships and just avoid talking about certain things.

I know I've been really vague in this post so far, but for now, let's take for example, my depression. In the last several months, I've become so much more open about my depression. I've shared my blog with a fair number of people, I even shared it openly on Google+, and I know I have some readers, but I know that not everyone I've shared with has read it. Maybe they want to take the time and just haven't gotten around to it. That sounds like something I would do. But maybe a fair number of people I've shared with are uncomfortable about mental illness. It's not something they're interested in reading because of their own stigmas. I keep thinking if people would just read my blog, I could dispel of these stigmas and change people's mindsets. And yet, I have to accept that I don't have any control (but maybe some influence?) over people's mindsets. We all come with our own emotional baggage that is affected by our experiences, each of our relationships, and our ingrained beliefs. If someone equates depression with weakness, that belief is likely one that started at a young age, and has been made stronger as that person has become an adult. They likely meet most discussion of depression, or perhaps all mental illness, with avoidance and suspicion. They are less likely to read my blog anyway, and therefore less likely to ever hear the story of someone who lives with it. How then, can their belief have any chance of changing? People first need to be open to listen.

Perhaps we all need to greet life with a little more openness and empathy. We need to be open to hearing about other people's experiences, we need to listen and respond with empathy. I really think that all relationships can be mended if both parties meet the relationship with an open mind and empathy. I do wonder if these characteristics were brought into every aspect of life, again, marriage, family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, how the world could change. We could greatly reduce the violence in our world. We could improve care of eachother in our life challenges, financially, medically, emotionally. We could work more harmoniously with eachother and I think, work more productively and efficiently. We could come together in our communities more, we could come together as a nation more, and as a world more. Perhaps we could think more long term in the way we live our lives, and consider everyone's problems, including our planet's. How I wish we could all keep an open mind and respond to others (all others) with empathy.

Do we all know what empathy is? Even if you do and you consider yourself empathetic, it is worth it to watch this 3 minute animated clip (found here or below) on empathy, narrated by Brené Brown. (Hey does that name ring a bell? You remember me mentioning her awhile back? If you have time now and didn't do it before, now's a great time to watch her TED talks too- here and here. Of course, now in linking to these videos, I am re-watching and feeling re-validated in my current life over and over again. Watch these videos people; it is so worth your time.)

Empathy is feeling with people, as Brené says in the empathy clip. Empathy is so powerful. And I'm not sure I'm negative enough to think that many people in this world have no capacity for empathy. I think we all have it, from birth. It can be warped and diminished by being exposed to violence, or disease, either physical or mental, and not being provided with love. We can shut it down as we grow up because we are taught to believe that being vulnerable makes us weak. And you need to be vulnerable in order to be empathetic rather than sympathetic.

As a parent, who is still learning to understand the importance of being vulnerable and empathetic in her own life, I want so much for my children to grow up with these same values. I want them to keep an open mind; I want them to understand that vulnerability is not weakness; I want them to approach others with empathy and a capacity to love. With just those values, they will be able to connect with others around them and improve the lives of the people they meet. Shouldn't we all be striving for that?