I believe that dreams are sacred. take my darkest fears and play them like a lullaby, like a reason why, like a play of my obsessions, make me understand the lesson, so I'll find myself, so I won't be lost again.

Monday, 05/22/17, 1:49pm, 3:28pm, 4:56pm, 6:20pm

Hello blog.

It's been so long since I've blogged and I've written so infrequently this year, that I feel lost in trying to find a way to write again.

It's been a really tough year. A tough many years. I thought it might be beneficial, for me, as well as you, any readers out there who've stuck with me, to do some recapping today.

I had a primary care appointment today with a doctor who only met me once, last fall, although she'd been assigned as my primary care doctor for several years prior to that. My primary care went to shit, probably at the point of going to college, if I really look back on it. I never had a regular doctor, and when I did have issues, women's stuff, prenatal care when it came time to it, tearing my meniscus and having surgery, and then later, psychiatric care, I always went to the specialist. I mean it always made sense to have my ob-gyn care done through an ob-gyn office. And then I wanted to be seeing a psychiatrist when it because obvious that I had depression and needed more help. I established a primary care physician several years ago after seeing a practice several times for colds/etc.

Anyway. She kinda scolded me today, as she did last fall, for not having primary care. And I'm now at a point that I have 3 psychiatrists at a time, we're reading my lab results ourselves because everything's been ordered by a different doctor, I have a therapist, a sleep specialist, now primary care, and you throw depression and anxiety into the whole mix, and suddenly it's too much. I can see why people stop seeing doctors and stop going to therapy and stop taking their meds and say, fuck it, I need to just figure this out on my own. The primary care doctor told me to consider reducing my sugar intake because I told her I haven't been good about that lately. Well yeah, it's no surprise that I'm eating more sweets, I've been fucking depressed for many years now, with little relief, great, here I am, making it worse with the choices I made, that my depression leads me to. (Sorry for the outburst. I'm frustrated).

Our mental healthcare system really isn't great. It's tough to get the care you need, in a reasonable amount of time, even with "good" health insurance. I can't imagine how tough it is with further road blocks.

So as many of you know, I was somewhat stable on a set of medications for some time before my brother-in-law, my husband's brother, Adam passed away last year, Friday, May 13, after being hit by a train. This was after several years of battling paranoid schizophrenia. Understandably, it was awful. The depression that hit me after his death, the loss of his battle with his mental illness, shook me to my core. In the fall of last year, it became apparent that the meds I was on weren't going to cut it. I tried several more in the fall and was finally diagnosed as "treatment resistant" in January. Over the course of 8 years I've tried at least 6 antidepressants, 1 anti-anxiety medication, 1 antipsychotic, and at least 3 off label drugs including ketamine. I've done years of therapy and continue to do it, I've tried vitamin supplements and yoga and mindfulness and CBT and diet/exercise and workbooks, I did TMS, we've continuously ruled out medical things and we're still working on the sleep thing. As it turns out the at home sleep study was inconclusive but gave reason to do an in lab study which of course can't be scheduled until July. Great.

And now, we're getting ready to start ECT. If you don't click the link, I'll give a brief explanation here, but I also do suggest reading what I linked. I'm planning to start ECT, or electro-convulsive therapy, on Monday, June 19. I'll be having treatments 3 days a week (Monday/Wednesday/Friday) during the acute phase of the treatment, which can last anywhere from 2 to 5 or 6 weeks. During the acute phase, plus two additional weeks after, I'll need 24/7 supervision. So, Nasser is planning on taking a leave of absence from work for much of the summer, and the kids will be in camps during the weeks. The procedure is done under general anesthesia, and they'll be passing electrical currents through my brain, which induce a brief seizure. The biggest and likeliest side effect is on short term memory. We don't know how bad it will be, but that's the main reason for the 24/7 supervision, and plus I can't drive. Oh and some memories made in the weeks or months prior to starting treatment could also be lost.

Oi. It's a lot.

I'm scared of ECT, but almost less scared of the procedure part of it than I was with TMS, strangely. I'm more scared that ECT won't work for me, because I know how that disappointment felt after TMS didn't really work, and ketamine didn't work, and I'm just so sick of things not working. But I'm hoping, at least a little.

We have this big trip planned. We're going to Alaska, by way of Seattle and Vancouver, then cruise with stops in Ketchikan, Juneau, and Skagway, then cruising through Fjords to Whittier, AK. Then we head to Denali, by way of Anchorage to get rental cars, and we'll do the 6.5 hour bus tour thing in Denali, staying at a nearby bed and breakfast. Did I mention we're doing this whole trip with like all my immediate family? My parents, my siblings and their families, and our little family. There's 16 of us, with 5 rooms on the cruise and at the bed and breakfast. I'm excited about this trip, and I'm terrified. I'm nervous about being around a lot of people a lot of the time. I've been avoiding people for some time, and maybe if you were one to judge you'd say that my behavior is contributing to the problem, but I can assure you, the depression came first. And besides, the depression actually is an effing disease, people, let's not stigmatize it more.

It's hard to share openly about my depression and anxiety. Especially because I've found little relief from many treatments. I don't usually offer hope, much, anymore, and sharing takes so much out of me lately. Sharing in person, whether it's with friends, or neighbors, or family, or my therapist, or another doctor, takes so so much out of me. And not everyone reacts or says the things I wish they'd say. I wish the world just had more empathy, less sympathy and pity, less judgement, more of good old fashioned putting-yourself-in-someone-else's-shoes. We're working on it as a family more, at least trying to.

So, I guess that's all I really wanted to share about right now. I'm hoping to get into the habit of blogging more, again, as I've been hoping for many months now, but we'll see. Hopefully I can at least get a few posts about ECT in, maybe one about Alaska before the treatment starts.