I had an anxiety/panic attack coming on this morning. Anxiety or panic, I'm not really sure. I suppose I should WebMD the two and figure out which one it is I'm having. I'm pretty sure it's more of an anxiety attack, since from what I remember of panic attacks, they get even more physical and are a bit more severe.
Let's be smart and WebMD them together, shall we? And yes, we're using WebMD as a verb, just as we do with Google.
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Well a couple minutes on WebMD got me even more confused. I can't seem to find much information on "anxiety attacks"; every time I click a link that I think is going to be that, they start talking about panic attacks. And I don't think that's what I'm getting. The symptoms of a panic attack are rather severe and similar to a heart attack. I've never had a heart attack, but I don't want to put what I have in this category because it all sounds worse than what I get. Of course what I get is pretty miserable on its own.
When I feel what I call "anxiety attacks", my body gets really tense. I start ruminating over different issues I see in my life, however irrational they sometimes may be. I do have an increased heart rate, similar to panic attacks, and some of the other symptoms. Actually here are the symptoms of a panic attack, from WebMD.
Panic attacks are intense periods of fear or feelings of doom developing over a very short time frame -- up to 10 minutes -- and associated with at least four of the following:
- Sudden overwhelming fear
- Palpitations
- Sweating
- Trembling
- Shortness of breath
- Sense of choking
- Chest pain
- Nausea
- Dizziness
- A feeling of being detached from the world (de-realization)
- Fear of dying
- Numbness or tingling in the limbs or entire body
- Chills or hot flushes
I get a few of these- sudden overwhelming fear, trembling (some), shortness of breath, dizziness (some). So yeah, could go either way on whether or not it's a panic attack.
I don't really care what we name these, but from now on I will be referring to these "episodes" I get with anxiety as "anxiety attacks". Someday I need to do a blog post on my personal definitions. How I define depression, mental illness, mental health, anxiety, depressive episodes, anxiety attacks. I suppose that many of my readers have a definition in their mind of these terms, but it's helpful to understand how I define them as well. How you picture a "depressive episode" may actually be very different from how I experience them which may actually be very different from how Nasser experiences and observes them (because he gets the lucky seat of both points of view).
This morning, I was panicking over everything in the upcoming weeks. We have a lot going on between choir concerts for me this weekend (which means extra rehearsals during the week plus both concerts, which means Nasser has a lot of added evening responsibility), Nasser is getting a boys night with my brother-in-law tonight since it's the night between the choir rehearsal nights and I wanted to give him some time considering all he's doing this week. Then my friend flies into town Monday night, Tuesday is going to be a packed day, we have a concert Tuesday night, and we're flying to DC Wednesday morning. Of course, that is going to be a super packed, super fun weekend, we're going to see a whole lot of people we love, many many friends, some family. I'm excited by everything that we have going on, but it is feeling super packed and stressful.
My wonderful sister, after hearing that I was panicking, came over to help. She took TK, with her son D, to my fabulous parents who will watch boys while she runs. Then I get the day to myself until picking up RG from the bus this afternoon. :)
I'm doing a lot better. And I wouldn't even say that I had a full-blown anxiety attack. I think it was the start, Nasser caught it early and suggested I take my anti-anxiety medication. I've gotten close to getting back into it again when I was talking with my sister, but it hasn't taken hold. I know it's not a full-blow attack, because if it was, it would have then triggered a depressive episode.
The goal today is to avoid that depressive episode. Because that's the worst I ever experience and it can turn really quickly from anxiety attack to depressive episode to full-blown depressive episode. I think if I were to define it now, a full-blown depressive episode brings up all those deep, dark, painful things that destroy my self-confidence and comfort and happiness and self-worth which then leads to the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness about my life. This place, without coping strategies, and continuous rumination, can lead to suicidal thoughts. It's a dangerous path, but I've gone down at various distances down that path many, many, many times. Today, I hope to stay closer to home, not beyond "start of anxiety attack".
I'm feeling really confident that I can do this. This is one of those times where, if someone were to tell me that I have the power to make this a good day, I'd say, yes, you're right. And look at me, I'm doing exactly the right things: blogging, getting ready for a bike ride, I accepted help from my supportive family. But if someone were to tell me that when I'm in a darker place, that statement turns into guilt and shame over being depressed. Nasser is learning to be more careful when he says that to me: that I have the power, that I can "do this". You really have to know which state I'm in, if I'm recovered enough to find confidence in that statement, or if that statement will trigger shame over the "but I don't, and I can't".
Well, dear blog, it is time to get on my bike. I have put it off long enough. Hopefully the weather stays good.
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