Today I am grateful.
I am grateful for beauty in my yard this morning. I was so happy to see that our irises didn't all bloom while we were out of town.
I am grateful for my delicious, healthy, nutritious breakfast.
I am grateful for the time I was able to know Adam, my dear dear brother-in-law.
from left: Adam, Nasser, me, Laila
This was the day after (04/19/2008) Nasser and I got married, awhile before Adam's illness manifested.
Adam's high school graduation. (05/2010 ish)
We think he might have had some paranoia symptoms starting by this point.
from left: Lorri, Nasser, me (holding TK), Adam, Laila
Adam's 21st bday (11/24/2012) and obligatory shot while we stopped at the house
before heading back to another bar. This was after Adam's diagnosis and
he probably shouldn't have been drinking like he did since
I think he purposefully skipped his medication for a few days in order to be able to drink for it.
It felt great to really celebrate his birthday though, it felt normal.
I am grateful for being able to share my children with Adam, their uncle, before he passed away 11 days ago.
from left: Amu Adam, RG
This was soon after we brought RG home from the hospital (08/2008).
My mother-in-law had a conference in Denver at that time and she,
my father-in-law, and Adam were in town visiting with us.
I'm glad to have the memories of Adam being there in that special time.
from left: me, RG, Teta Vida, and Amu Adam
from left: me, RG, Nasser, GG, Grampa, Judoh, Amu Adam, Grandma
from left: RG, Amu Adam
From RG's baptism (02/2009). Adam was his godfather.
from left: RG, Judoh, Amu Adam
RG had just turned one and we did a trip to Napa with most of Nasser's family (08/2009).
I love this picture of them so much.
It destroys me that I cannot find pictures of Adam with TK. There is one I posted on my last post, the Sunday after Adam died, but it's not just them and they are on opposite sides of the photo. I will update if I find any some day. Unfortunately, TK didn't see him much as Adam's illness got worse and worse as TK started to form memories. He didn't get to see him much in his life, and for that I will always feel sad.
I am grateful for all the dear friends and family who have shown such support and shared in our grief these last 11 days.
I am grateful for my parents for the amazing help and support they've always provided, but especially in these last 11 days. They drove our kids to Chicago so that Nasser and I could be there a few days without them and be able to help with various arrangements and be with family. They are even helping me today in my errands as I try to get to our new normal.
I am grateful for my sister for bringing flowers to come home to, as well as a stocked fridge.
I am grateful for our friends and family who have helped pick us up again. Our dear people who gave us rides and booked us rental cars, who provided air mattresses in Chicago, who came to the wake, who sent their condolences and offered prayers, who kept us in their hearts and thoughts these last 11 days, who went on runs with us and gave us some distraction, who donated to the memorial funds we've set up in memory of Adam, who talked with us on the phone and over texts, who shared stories of Adam or their own personal stories, who helped take care of our kids, who bought us lunch or dinner, who brought us snacks and cut our grass, who offered to help with kids and cat and anything, who shared in our grief or even just listened. I know that so many people have done even more than all that. All these people have provided us comfort in these past days.
I am grateful for our friends who got married on Saturday in Virginia. Although it made for some stressful travel and it's not like we were just going to stop grieving, I'm glad we went. Many of my best friends from college, who welcomed Nasser into our circle 8 years ago, provided such support and comfort and listening ears in the last few days. Even the happy couple expressed their appreciation many, many times on their wedding day to us for being there, and offered listening ears in the midst of their celebrations. The weekend was just what we needed.
from left: Heather, officiant, Pete, people's heads.
Although it's not the best picture, I took it. I was there to witness their lovely union.
I am grateful we were able to experience some of Washington, D.C. Sunday night and yesterday. My good friend, Jigna, and I took an evening walk Sunday night by the Capitol building and some of the Smithsonian museums, and we stopped in an Irish pub near our hotel while Nasser stayed with the boys after they fell asleep. It was a rainy walk, but beautiful and peaceful. My favorite part was walking through the United States Botanic Garden. We stopped and smelled the various flowers and herbs and appreciated the meticulous care of the garden, by various projects who help disabled people through garden therapy. Yesterday, we were able to go the Natural History Museum and the Air and Space Museum on the Mall. The kids really needed that special time to do things they enjoy.
Jigna in the rain
from left: Jigna, me
We were "blinded by the light" of my phone flash.
My eyes look so big and I'm totally not looking in the right place.
Nasser holding TK
This is on the train after flying back late last night.
Poor TK finally fell asleep towards the end of the flight.
I am grateful for RG working on his project independently while I finish my blog. I guess we could have started it a little more before going out of town, but we still hadn't started the weekend after Adam died, so oh well. Of course we wanted to include pictures from our trip, which weren't printed until today while he was at school. He is going to talk about the Smithsonian Institutions, especially the museums we went to. I love my kiddo and am so proud of him.
I am grateful that I have a whole ton of people who support me in my life with depression. I am definitely a needy person in my illness. I know Nasser loves me through so much awfulness and I am so grateful to him for it, even though he does it without expecting any gratitude. But then I also need my friends and family who continually support me, those who read my blog and think about me, those who regularly ask about me and offer help, and those that just help without being asked to. I know that I am lucky to have all this support and that it is somewhat rare when it comes to mental illness. I know that Adam had a lot of support as well, but I know too that his illness was less understood by others and it did isolate him a lot. I wish that it had been different in that way. I know too that he didn't have all the right treatment he needed, much because his illness led him to believe he didn't need or want it. And I do have regular easy access to all the therapy/psychiatric visits I need, the medication options are so much better with fewer side effects. I am grateful that I have it "so easy" with my illness.
This has been an important healing post in my grieving process. To all my readers, please never feel awkward to send me a message or comment on the blog, if you feel called to. It is here not just for me but for all of us. I don't expect others to share their own difficulties (unless they want to), but I hope that I come across as welcoming to all. We have so much work ahead of us in breaking down the mental illness stigma, in educating others and in raising awareness. Our mental healthcare system needs work, and it and all of us need more compassion.
My love to all my amazing support people in life and to my dear readers. I've said it before but I'll say it again. Hold your loved ones close to you today and always.
Again, here is the link to the memorial fund Laila set up in Adam's name. This will be split between brain research and NAMI (the National Alliance on Mental Illness) which does a lot of good towards raising awareness about mental illness, ending stigma, education for patients and their families, etc. You can also donate directly to NAMI for tax deductible donations. I additionally helped set up a memorial fund through Northwest Memorial Foundation. The funds here will also be tax deductible, eligible for company matching, etc. The Northwest Memorial Foundation donations will be going towards schizophrenia research and early interventions.
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