does it feel left behind, all alone, all alone

Tuesday, 06/21/16, 3:25pm

I think I now know the vulnerability hangover. There's the glaring thought in my brain today of "what were you thinking, sharing your blog on facebook? most of those people barely know you!" I've just invited a whole bunch of people in to know me much much better.

Gulp.

Ok, but I chose to do that. Fully knowing these feelings may come. But many of these feelings seem petty and weak and... I feel awful and low over the thoughts going through my head. I feel like I should be stronger or something, but maybe my feelings are perfectly natural.

I need to remember my goal. (Really the number one goal is to help me; my blog provides my writing therapy). But I also hope that through my words I may help those who struggle with mental illness, help those who support people with mental illness, and break down the stigma a little bit at a time.

I refer to the stigma a lot around mental illness, but does everyone understand what it is and what it means? When I search "stigma", Google's first definition that pops up is:

stig·ma

ˈstiɡmə/

noun

1. 1.

   a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.

   "the stigma of mental disorder"

   synonyms:

   shame, disgrace, dishonor, ignominy, opprobrium, humiliation, (bad) reputation "the stigma of bankruptcy"

Notice how the first example is "the stigma of mental disorder". Now really, if someone has a disease of the brain, why the FUCK should they feel ashamed, disgraced, or dishonored in any possible way????

We need to all understand, mental illness is NOT in the control of the person who has it. It is within that person's control to seek treatment, however it is made harder to do so because of the debilitating fear of stigma.

The fear of being rejected, of being told it's your fault. The fear that others will think differently of you, that others will define you by your illness.

Those fears are not unfounded. Mental illness is so stigmatized, people are afraid to discuss it. Only in relevance to mass shootings, as one of the causes. That just makes the stigma worse.

Take a little break, and watch this episode of John Oliver's on Mental Health. He's got his facts straight. It's worth your time, even if you can only dedicate a minute to start it.

It's hard to watch it, and not be reminded of how our mental healthcare system failed Adam.

For me, stigma is a friend who has closed off to me ever since I became open about my illness. I notice those and they hurt. Stigma was not being able to get the right care from my ob-gyn because I mentioned the word depression. The fear of stigma is not wanting to go out in public when I'm depressed and I worry people will judge me. The fear of stigma was refusing to call the doctor when I first realized I was depressed. I had to get over that hump too. And that hump can vary in size between people. It's often worse for men, because society creates these strong man expectations and because depression is viewed as weakness.

Ugh, stigma. It makes us refuse to talk about mental illness and so makes these diseases incredibly lonely. I refuse to stop talking about it. Even if I stand alone.