the snow glows white on the mountain tonight, not a footprint to be seen.

Tuesday, 01/17/17, 10:26am, 1:29pm, 2:19pm

Whew.

Well hello dear blog. It's been awhile.

It's especially been awhile since it feels like anything from me has been optimistic or hopeful or happy.

Today, looking back on the weekend, I feel mostly happy. And I want to tell you about it. There were parts that were really really tough, where the depression really threatened to take over, but I mostly did well.

It started on Thursday last week, with the first of our friends coming in through DIA starting around noon. (Really it started almost a year ago after another friends ski trip over MLK weekend and I immediately started to work towards the next idea for a friends trip). Some stayed with us that night, and some got an Airbnb nearby. Our friends with young girls stayed with us and it was so much fun to watch the kids become fast friends. My boys are a little older with TK 2 years older than their older girl P. RG enjoyed entertaining baby A, for which I got no photos. Friday afternoon, the friends all caravan-ed up the mountains together while TK and I waited for RG to get outta school and Nasser to get outta work. TK and P had to say goodbye; it was wild to see TK pick up a smaller kid!

We didn't leave until almost 6pm Friday, had to make several stops for gas and new windshield wiper blades, both necessary for the drive up the mountains in potential weather. US-40 to Winter Park was pretty in the moonlight, despite being a little dicey.

So I have to backtrack a minute. Several months ago, I booked a house (a VRBO rental) for this weekend. It was a 7 bedroom house with an additional bunk room, and a good deal. Oh man you guys, it was so nice, it had a hot tub, lots of bedding and more importantly, all the necessary bedding, for our group. And it was on the free shuttle route for the Winter Park ski resort, where many in the group were planning on skiing.

Well.

On Friday morning, around 11am, I got a call from the owner telling me that he was so so sorry, but that he and his wife had each booked their house for the weekend. And her group moved in the night before, so we were out of luck. Well not entirely, as the guy informed me that they were going to re-book us for the weekend nearby (in whatever we could find last minute) and give me a free stay at his house another time.

The house we ended up with was... weird, interesting, crazy huge with lots of wasted space and some space that appeared to still be under construction, and not too fantastic in many ways in the end.

We ended up without a hot tub (which I know, it sounds so needy, but I personally love on group trips like this, especially when skiing), way off the highway on county roads that weren't well plowed for the poor little rental cars many of my friends had, with a very, very strange (oh man, and definitely not cleaned well in so long) house.

Here's our bedroom, one of the 5 "master" bedrooms. Some of our friends were put out though in comparison to the original accommodations, thanks to different in incorrect for our group, bedding.

And then there was the bathroom which seemed so nice at first (improper sloping in the shower meant for puddling when showering, which was also in direct line of that window next to the tub which had no blinds. Also the jetted tub took so long to fill and then. the jets had definitely not been cleaned in quite some time). No door on the toilet room either, which is also in view of that window. But whatever, few, and far away, neighbors for this crazy "estate" house.

Oh and then there were all those chandeliers... and ummm... pictures of chandeliers? There were several of those actually.

(I've been working on a big email to the original owner today on how the situation really was not rectified after he double-booked us, so, apologies for all the complaining I'm doing).

We ended up skiing with the kids on Saturday afternoon; we were lazy and social with the non-skiing crew in the AM, which was great.

TK waiting around for Daddy and RG to finish getting RG rental skis and boots since we had left his boots at home. in the garage. sigh.

gorgeous kid friendly tree run, it was pretty flat so a bit tricky to get through. 

what is it they say about families that stick together through the trees? nothing? well they should.

I know, I know, we should use the safety bar. I bet it would put RG at ease a little more. he fell getting on a lift last season, and apparently was more traumatized than I realized. 

you can totally tell I'm terrified I'm going to drop my phone while attempting to get the whole family in the photo. 

We found some neighborhood friends while skiing! They've got twins who are RG's age, and a daughter in her teens, who babysits for us sometimes. The 8 year olds really enjoyed skiing together. That's RG, the dark one on the left, crouching down to gain more speed, that goof.

The moms do it too; that's my neighbor friend on the right. You gotta gain speed as much as you can in those flat sections though.

that's the neighbor boy twin behind me in the orange. I'm best taking photos while skiing on the green runs, but it's hard to capture with all of us spread out.

so beautiful, you guys!

one of my friends helped out with a kid on the 2 person lift. we had split off from Nasser and TK and another friend at this point.

because apparently I love lift photos with RG. poor kid though, he hated this lift, but it was late enough at this point the larger one at that spot was closed.

That evening, after putting the kiddos to bed, many of us played a fun card game at this huge table. This was a good spot for the next night too, even though the original chair placement wasn't designed for people to sit at this table. Hah. It was rather difficult to maneuver behind where I was sitting, into the kitchen. But again, oh well.

The next morning we tried for an early start, with friends at the house watching our kids for the day (WOW and WOOOPEE!); we made it onto Mary Jane before lunch.

I got most of the Sunday ski group in the photos on top of Mary Jane after lunch, but my one friend left early to go back and help with his kids and take everyone sledding. Dear blog, I have some really awesome awesome friends who took some great care of our kiddos to let us ski till almost close. We didn't ski till close because our quads were so tired already.

I got some action shots on the greens off Mary Jane!

oh and here's the house and driveway in the daylight. or twilight really.

I didn't take more photos until we were going home on Monday, which was beautiful, so you'll have to bear with me because I took many. These are the narrowed down picks.

the new snow on the trees made for driving in a winter wonderland. US-40 was slow-going and trying to stay in the previous tracks in the snow, but then I-70 was pretty clear by the time we were taking the drive, late in the morning. 

but yeah, 70 was not without traffic.

so we jumped onto US-6 when we could and only looked back briefly to find nobody following.

I was a little obsessed with the tunnels, and we tried to get the kids to join us in holding our breath going through them.

clearly I haven't been on 6 in a long time, but I was a little obsessed with the meandering, icy sided, river.

I didn't actually read on this road though, too windy. that's RG's latest favorite book series, of which he's getting Nasser and slowly, me, into. I'm starting to decide that in my state of depression of late, I need some easier reading. but engaging. so far, this is good for that, and I'm still reading it super slowly.

we got some traffic due to slow car(s) in the lead. surprisingly enough, the slow car was not the casino bus.

I kept pointing out the falling rock netting to the kids

last tunnel!

still beautiful on our way into Golden.

we were starving for lunch, TK ate all of it!

my goofballs, one in pjs, and one in shorts.

All in all, it was a good, successful, enjoyable weekend. Some things still to hopefully get resolved with that first house rental owner, but I'm working on not letting that aspect ruin the weekend for me. We got great slope time, both with and without the kids, great hanging out at the house time, we still made good dinners despite that awful (albeit large) kitchen, and the kiddo with friends and friends' kiddos time was so worth it.

On a separate note, I am still off all antidepressants, waiting for evaluation appointment for TMS (again, transcranial magnetic stimulation) a week from today. Although there will still likely be a tough letdown from the trip, more than so far since I've been enjoying working on this post. It's tough to enjoy so much the time with friends from long ago who knew me when I wasn't depressed, and then go back to reality. It's easier to pretend that I'm not depressed for a short time like that, even if a simple question of "how have you been doing?" puts me into tears still. I pretended much of the weekend, and only in some more stressful instances did it threaten to take over.

Going to finish with hope, after watching this clip last night, where comedian Neal Brennan and Trevor Noah briefly talk depression and TMS.

some things are different, some the same, some turn over, some don't change, time and music all forgive, and in the best of friends the spirit lives

Wednesday, 01/11/17, 8:29am, 10:14am

I was about to say "not much to update", but that's not true. I am still in a minefield of depression holes (as it feels), I cry literally at almost everything. The latest med situation has officially ended, as of Sunday. This med I was on has this low chance of causing a rash, which as it turns out, can become fatal. Wow, real great, right? But low chance, right? Well, I noticed a few rashy spots on my midsection on Saturday evening, so yeah. Medication no more.

So what's next? Transcranial magnetic stimulation, or TMS, hopefully. I did mention this one in the past, but wasn't sure if we'd get to this point or not. And here we are. Sorta. I haven't even met with the doctor who does this treatment yet, don't even have an initial consultation until after my doc has chatted with him and they all agree I'm a candidate for this treatment. Hopefully they don't decide that I'm not.

From what I understand, this would be an everyday (Mon-Fri) treatment for about a month or so. But some people are literally cured after having this treatment. So that's pretty incredible. And as described from the Mayo Clinic, "You can return to your normal daily activities after your treatment. Typically, between treatments, you can expect to work and drive." And that's really good, especially as compared to ECT.

And yet, I'm terrified. Maybe because this is a newer treatment, and maybe it's because I've read in too many places that the treatment doesn't necessarily work as well for people who've had depression for several years (yup, that's me), and maybe it's because this treatment is very different from things I've tried so far, and maybe it's because of all the unknowns. I suppose I don't even know for sure if, or when, I'll start the treatment. I have the right to be scared, even if there's hope in the situation too. There's no reason to beat myself up over feeling scared. But I do that too, thanks to the depression.

My therapist ran through a list of depression symptoms this week to help remind me that all these symptoms I have are truly due to the depression, and not my fault. So we're going to repeat some of those here.

From the Mayo Clinic, the intro on depression:

Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.

More than just a bout of the blues, depression isn't a weakness and you can't simply "snap out" of it. Depression may require long-term treatment. But don't get discouraged. Most people with depression feel better with medication, psychological counseling or both.

Hah, yeah, I suppose from that I'm not "most people". Ok so here's the symptom list:

• Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness
• Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
• Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports
• Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
• Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
• Changes in appetite — often reduced appetite and weight loss, but increased cravings for food and weight gain in some people
• Anxiety, agitation or restlessness
• Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself for things that aren't your responsibility
• Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
• Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide
• Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

Yup, yup, got pretty much all of them. woop dee doo. But it really helps to recognize that all these things I'm feeling are truly symptoms of my illness. I feel like I'm constantly reminding myself that yes, this is an illness, this is not my fault. And there's this really annoying part of my brain that is constantly like, this is your fault, you are a failure. Blech, I hate those thoughts, and I really do try so hard to fight them and to counter them, like with affirmations, and try to focus on the thoughts I do want, like with mindfulness, but it feels like a constant struggle.

And with the state I've been in lately, I've felt like I'm constantly complaining about this, and then that makes me feel like a burden to others. UGH, I'm NOT a burden. Sigh. I feel like these thoughts pop up, and my response to my brain is always, shut the fuck up, Alisa. I have such horrid self-talk. Nasser reminds me that at least I'm recognizing the negative self-talk more, but it still feels like a failure when I see it but can't seem to change it. As I've learned in therapy though, it all takes a lot of time and a lot of effort to change those thought patterns.

As usual, we're working on it, and I've really had a lot of support. Whether it's emails or texts of kind words or forwarded articles, or meals (omygosh a friend of mine set up a meal train for us right now which is absolutely incredible), or hugs, or just love. I am eternally grateful to every person who has ever supported me in any way, even if I have a hard time right now showing my gratitude.

There are still options, we are not out of hope, and my illness truly is NOT the end of the world. I know that, and I know I have so much in my life to be grateful for, and sometimes knowing that simply causes me to self-stigmatize even more. Blech. Blech. Blech.

It's ok. Or at least hopefully it's gonna be ok.

Again, it is an illness, not a weakness.

Here was me the other day on a tough day, with an attempt at a smile. I don't show my eyes to many lately, if I can manage to hide them, because it seems they constantly show recent crying. Oh well.

I've paid my dues time after time. I've done my sentence but committed no crime.

Tuesday, 01/03/17, 11:12am

Remember how I was changing meds "one last time"? It didn't really help, at all from what we could tell. And as of almost 2 weeks ago, I'm on one more "one last time" med. It's a really slow ramp up to full dosage so... it just feels like it's going to take that much longer to kick in. That is, if it does kick in. Ugh, I am so pessimistic about everything lately, but I need to keep an open mind about this one. It's not even an antidepressant, so technically now I'm on no antidepressants at all. But this newest med I'm on has shown benefit for depression when nothing else has worked, so maybe I'm a good candidate after all.

I'm getting really exhausted with trying new meds. Obviously I get some benefit from them all, since they seem to kick in a little and remove some of the overwhelming crush of depression that is constantly present while we're waiting for meds to work. Because yeah, this has kinda been a "crushing" depression the last week and a half since stopping the antidepressants. I've been crying at the drop of a hat and at each kindness I've received from loving friends and family. A dear friend brought over dinner last night, which was amazing. The whole "cooking dinner" thing has been a big failure challenge of mine the last half year or so.

It's been so frustrating that I feel like I want to get better, but maybe I'm not motivated to do things for myself that may help. Mindfulness, exercise, showering, blogging, even brushing teeth, have felt overwhelmingly impossible, and everytime I want to do one of those things, but fail, it's this overwhelming crush of "it's all my fault." For a long time, this stupid effing depression, has felt like "it's all my fault." I don't understand why, rationally, I completely understand that this is truly an illness and I don't have control over it (maybe I have tools that help, like from therapy, but that's almost nothing like "control"), and yet I still self-stigmatize. Ugh, and I hate myself for it. Why do I always have to find reasons to hate myself????

Why? Why? Why? Because it's a fucking illness, and these things (self stigmatizing, self shaming, self loathing) are all symptoms. Sigh. UGH. BLECH.

Have I made it clear enough how much I hate the depression?

This should have been a positive post. A post looking forward to 2017 and things that may help and things I intend to work on this year. And I'm having trouble finding anything positive to say.

Ok.

It's 2017. It's a new year. Who knows what this year might bring? I know I have some vague new years' resolutions, but I am going to keep them private. Sure, I know we're more likely to keep them when we share, but that can also be extremely dangerous for me in the expectations I set for myself, and the self-shaming I do if I am not doing as well on my intentions as I want to (and being a perfectionist, I always want to do things better than is ever reasonable or possible). For now, for this year, we have some big hopes (not really resolutions) regarding my depression and treatment. But if they aren't fulfilled, it is NOT a failure. Just have to get that out there now, before those "what if" thoughts even start.

It's not much but my positive thought today is about hope. Hope for good things this year and always. Hope for love, and for gratitude. Hope for peace and collaboration and empathy in the world.