I was about to say "not much to update", but that's not true. I am still in a minefield of depression holes (as it feels), I cry literally at almost everything. The latest med situation has officially ended, as of Sunday. This med I was on has this low chance of causing a rash, which as it turns out, can become fatal. Wow, real great, right? But low chance, right? Well, I noticed a few rashy spots on my midsection on Saturday evening, so yeah. Medication no more.
So what's next? Transcranial magnetic stimulation, or TMS, hopefully. I did mention this one in the past, but wasn't sure if we'd get to this point or not. And here we are. Sorta. I haven't even met with the doctor who does this treatment yet, don't even have an initial consultation until after my doc has chatted with him and they all agree I'm a candidate for this treatment. Hopefully they don't decide that I'm not.
From what I understand, this would be an everyday (Mon-Fri) treatment for about a month or so. But some people are literally cured after having this treatment. So that's pretty incredible. And as described from the Mayo Clinic, "You can return to your normal daily activities after your treatment. Typically, between treatments, you can expect to work and drive." And that's really good, especially as compared to ECT.
And yet, I'm terrified. Maybe because this is a newer treatment, and maybe it's because I've read in too many places that the treatment doesn't necessarily work as well for people who've had depression for several years (yup, that's me), and maybe it's because this treatment is very different from things I've tried so far, and maybe it's because of all the unknowns. I suppose I don't even know for sure if, or when, I'll start the treatment. I have the right to be scared, even if there's hope in the situation too. There's no reason to beat myself up over feeling scared. But I do that too, thanks to the depression.
My therapist ran through a list of depression symptoms this week to help remind me that all these symptoms I have are truly due to the depression, and not my fault. So we're going to repeat some of those here.
From the Mayo Clinic, the intro on depression:
Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.
More than just a bout of the blues, depression isn't a weakness and you can't simply "snap out" of it. Depression may require long-term treatment. But don't get discouraged. Most people with depression feel better with medication, psychological counseling or both.
Hah, yeah, I suppose from that I'm not "most people". Ok so here's the symptom list:
- Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness
- Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
- Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports
- Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
- Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
- Changes in appetite — often reduced appetite and weight loss, but increased cravings for food and weight gain in some people
- Anxiety, agitation or restlessness
- Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
- Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself for things that aren't your responsibility
- Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
- Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide
- Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches
Yup, yup, got pretty much all of them. woop dee doo. But it really helps to recognize that all these things I'm feeling are truly symptoms of my illness. I feel like I'm constantly reminding myself that yes, this is an illness, this is not my fault. And there's this really annoying part of my brain that is constantly like, this is your fault, you are a failure. Blech, I hate those thoughts, and I really do try so hard to fight them and to counter them, like with affirmations, and try to focus on the thoughts I do want, like with mindfulness, but it feels like a constant struggle.
And with the state I've been in lately, I've felt like I'm constantly complaining about this, and then that makes me feel like a burden to others. UGH, I'm NOT a burden. Sigh. I feel like these thoughts pop up, and my response to my brain is always, shut the fuck up, Alisa. I have such horrid self-talk. Nasser reminds me that at least I'm recognizing the negative self-talk more, but it still feels like a failure when I see it but can't seem to change it. As I've learned in therapy though, it all takes a lot of time and a lot of effort to change those thought patterns.
As usual, we're working on it, and I've really had a lot of support. Whether it's emails or texts of kind words or forwarded articles, or meals (omygosh a friend of mine set up a meal train for us right now which is absolutely incredible), or hugs, or just love. I am eternally grateful to every person who has ever supported me in any way, even if I have a hard time right now showing my gratitude.
There are still options, we are not out of hope, and my illness truly is NOT the end of the world. I know that, and I know I have so much in my life to be grateful for, and sometimes knowing that simply causes me to self-stigmatize even more. Blech. Blech. Blech.
It's ok. Or at least hopefully it's gonna be ok.
Again, it is an illness, not a weakness.
Here was me the other day on a tough day, with an attempt at a smile. I don't show my eyes to many lately, if I can manage to hide them, because it seems they constantly show recent crying. Oh well.
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