Friday, 12/09/16, 11:33am
I haven't written in over a week, and maybe that hasn't been the best choice, but it's also kinda just been the same old. Partially I don't feel like I have much to update. I still feel like I'm working hard to avoid those breakdowns, and I'm exhausted at the end of the night, every night. Maybe that's a side effect of all the medications.
Tonight and Sunday afternoon are choir concerts. RG and me. He is in one of the children's choirs; I am super proud of him. And I have a solo in these concerts. So kinda exciting. And kinda a big deal, but I haven't really been thinking about it much. Well that's not quite true. I have been practicing a lot, and I randomly burst into my solo to get another run-through. But until typing about it now, I've been avoiding the nerves. Crap, now I'm nervous. At least the Friday night concerts aren't as well attended. So maybe I'll feel more ready for it.
One of the hard things about this time of the year is all the social gatherings and plans and things to do. I'm having a difficult time being "social" right now, being peppy and happy and whatever else that's expected. We have a holiday party to attend tomorrow night, one where many of our favorite people in this area will be in attendance, but I'm finding myself with lots and lots of social anxiety. I missed several parties last weekend due to the hit of a bad day, and I'm already terrified that this weekend will be a repeat.
I'll do what I can. My biggest priority for this weekend is the choir concerts.
PS, y'all, since I think few who read my blog would guess the song on the post title. It's a tough one though. That line is my solo. It's Swahili.
Showing posts with label concerts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label concerts. Show all posts
Friday, December 9, 2016
Friday, March 11, 2016
bright morning stars are rising, day is a breaking in my soul
Friday, 03/11/16, 1:03pm
I'm getting there. It's been a tough week and it's not really over, but I'm getting there. This is probably one of my longest stretches of episode + lots of mini episodes through the recovery. There's that word recovery again. Remember my rant about "being in recovery" and how it doesn't really apply to me? I guess it does to some extent. But with chronic depression, it keeps coming back over and over and over again. Such is my life though. It's all about appreciating those in between times of recovery. And working on techniques, etc to reduce the severity and frequency of the episodes.
Yesterday one thing that helped was I did some baking. I had volunteered to make something to sell at our choir concerts this weekend so I kinda had to do it. It was really a good thing to do yesterday. Baking, for me, can be therapeutic. I enjoy it, I usually take part in the raw tastings (YUMMY but yeah, I do risks the whole salmonella thing), and it's something I did, with family or friends, growing up that makes it a kind of comfort activity. It helped that I wasn't pressed for time yesterday. TK even helped me add ingredients to the mixer. Yesterday, I kinda needed that messy beater all to myself though, once he was off playing and I could enjoy it without him asking me why I was eating it all.
I have to point out in the above picture, dark spot in bottom left corner is Buddy the cat. See below for better view. :)
And of course I had to get a picture of just him. Crazy hypnotizing eyes, no? That wound above his right eye is looking so much better from when we got him, I think you can hardly tell now.
Things have been going much better with Buddy now. My boys love to play with him, feed him, give him treats, pet him, talk to him, say goodbye to him when we leave the house, and say goodnight to him when they're going to bed. He feels part of the family now. We've been keeping him in the laundry room at night for the past week-ish due to some relapsing of the ummm... litter box situation. Improving and will probably stop the nighttime solitary soon, whenever I feel ready to risk it again. Not this weekend. This weekend is way to busy and hectic.
I'm slightly terrified of this weekend. It's going to be fine, it's going to be good, but it's risky for my ability to not have a relapse on my episode and ruin the weekend. My mother-in-law is likely coming into town today, I say likely because she's flying stand-by (her husband is a pilot, pretty cool, no?) and flights were looking questionable. Having her in town will be good, and the kids adore her, but I still don't like getting depressed in front of anyone besides Nasser. And there is the issue of me blogging right now instead of getting the futon bed ready and finding clean towels. It'll get done, maybe a bit later, but I'm trying not to worry about that. But then this weekend is my choir concerts. I have one tonight and one Sunday afternoon. So that's a huge chunk out of the weekend right there. And, again, here I am blogging instead of reviewing the spots in my music where I feel shaky. Sigh, and yet I can't tear myself away from the blog because it feels so therapeutic today. And I need that too, perhaps more importantly.
After a read-through of the above, I will finally take a shower so we can get RG from the bus stop and get going on all the stuff I need to get done. Let's do this weekend.
I'm getting there. It's been a tough week and it's not really over, but I'm getting there. This is probably one of my longest stretches of episode + lots of mini episodes through the recovery. There's that word recovery again. Remember my rant about "being in recovery" and how it doesn't really apply to me? I guess it does to some extent. But with chronic depression, it keeps coming back over and over and over again. Such is my life though. It's all about appreciating those in between times of recovery. And working on techniques, etc to reduce the severity and frequency of the episodes.
Yesterday one thing that helped was I did some baking. I had volunteered to make something to sell at our choir concerts this weekend so I kinda had to do it. It was really a good thing to do yesterday. Baking, for me, can be therapeutic. I enjoy it, I usually take part in the raw tastings (YUMMY but yeah, I do risks the whole salmonella thing), and it's something I did, with family or friends, growing up that makes it a kind of comfort activity. It helped that I wasn't pressed for time yesterday. TK even helped me add ingredients to the mixer. Yesterday, I kinda needed that messy beater all to myself though, once he was off playing and I could enjoy it without him asking me why I was eating it all.
I have to point out in the above picture, dark spot in bottom left corner is Buddy the cat. See below for better view. :)
And of course I had to get a picture of just him. Crazy hypnotizing eyes, no? That wound above his right eye is looking so much better from when we got him, I think you can hardly tell now.
Things have been going much better with Buddy now. My boys love to play with him, feed him, give him treats, pet him, talk to him, say goodbye to him when we leave the house, and say goodnight to him when they're going to bed. He feels part of the family now. We've been keeping him in the laundry room at night for the past week-ish due to some relapsing of the ummm... litter box situation. Improving and will probably stop the nighttime solitary soon, whenever I feel ready to risk it again. Not this weekend. This weekend is way to busy and hectic.
I'm slightly terrified of this weekend. It's going to be fine, it's going to be good, but it's risky for my ability to not have a relapse on my episode and ruin the weekend. My mother-in-law is likely coming into town today, I say likely because she's flying stand-by (her husband is a pilot, pretty cool, no?) and flights were looking questionable. Having her in town will be good, and the kids adore her, but I still don't like getting depressed in front of anyone besides Nasser. And there is the issue of me blogging right now instead of getting the futon bed ready and finding clean towels. It'll get done, maybe a bit later, but I'm trying not to worry about that. But then this weekend is my choir concerts. I have one tonight and one Sunday afternoon. So that's a huge chunk out of the weekend right there. And, again, here I am blogging instead of reviewing the spots in my music where I feel shaky. Sigh, and yet I can't tear myself away from the blog because it feels so therapeutic today. And I need that too, perhaps more importantly.
After a read-through of the above, I will finally take a shower so we can get RG from the bus stop and get going on all the stuff I need to get done. Let's do this weekend.
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