Tuesday, 02/28/17, 2:52pm, 4:02pm
I'm feeling especially down today. It's weird to even say that, because it feels like that's just been the last week/months/years of my life, but somehow today's even worse.
The TMS appointment didn't help. I mean I was doing pretty badly, emotionally speaking (both anxiety and depression hit pretty hard this morning), enough so that TK and I took the bus and a friend chauffeured us around the rest of the day. Man, I have some awesome friends. Speaking of which, another friend has made it to several of my appointments so far, in support, and she talked us into swimming after the treatment yesterday. I really need to get back into a good exercise routine, since I know it helps me, but TMS is almost about as much as I can handle right now.
So the TMS appointment today. The technician today was a different one than I've been seeing. They have two and normally I'll see them both each week- 2 days with one, 3 with the other. But last week the technician from today was out and today was my first treatment appointment with her. Although I'd already met her at the motor threshold appointment before treatment started.
Anyway, this technician said some strange things during the appointment today. First she seemed annoyed that I had brought a friend. Then, maintenance treatments came up in the conversation so my friend and I were asking about whether or not it's common for people to do maintenance with TMS (sounds like typically 2 days of treatment a month). The technician said something like "I'll be honest with you, a lot of people end up with maintenance treatments. And often those that go into remission, relapse or have a minor episode after a year. And most (many?) people end up on antidepressants again."
Now. It was likely not the technician's place to tell me all this negative news. And I don't know what's true now. When I search studies of the long-term efficacy of TMS, I'm finding good results, but most of what I'm seeing doesn't look past a year. So she could be right. But then why wouldn't the doctor have mentioned this in the first place? The technician shouldn't be acting like she knows all the long-term efficacy anyway, without basing any of this off studies. And what the hell really, telling me how this treatment doesn't really work for most people isn't the right thing to do why you're administering the treatment to me.
My friend pointed out that maybe she had been having a bad day. The technician probably thought she was being honest and helpful with me. I still don't think it was her place to say what she said, and I will be bringing it up with the doctor, carefully and not angrily, when I meet with him later this week.
Sigh.
I don't know what to think except to try and reject all the external noise. I need to just focus on getting through these treatments, doing what I can to keep myself sane and functioning right now, and doing what I can to feel better.
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Saturday, February 25, 2017
how many times must a man look up, before he can see the sky?
Saturday, 02/25/17, 8:52am
OK. One week of TMS treatment completed. Five more weeks to go.
I'm still not relaxed when I go to treatment. I'm still tense as I sit still, receiving the magnetic pulses. I'm still scared even though there are so few risks and side effects. But the anxiety might be getting a tad better now that I've gotten 5 treatments. I know what to expect now, I now understand the treatment intensity thing a little better, and even though we're still not at the target intensity, I understand why we're where we are and I don't feel worried that this isn't going the way it should. It's going, I'm getting treatment, and we shall see where I'm at once I finish the 6 weeks of treatment.
I've had some good support this week. Friends and family have asked me how it's going, I've had 4 different people come to my treatments so far to sit in and watch and support. Another friend started up a meal train again (did I tell you friends did that for us last month??), and I've had many offers for help with TK.
I have so much to be grateful for.
And yet, as the way it often is with depression, that's not enough. It still keeps hitting, a lot. I filled out a questionnaire again yesterday about my depression, the same one I filled out a few weeks ago, which tries to quantify your symptoms into a level of depression.
And this week has just been... hard. Really hard. I've felt like a failure as a mother, a failure at life. And the self-stigmatizing has been through the roof. Even though I understand rationally that this week was reasonably hard, the self-shaming is there, seemingly uncontrolled. That seems to be the case. There's that inertia effect to depression. As it spirals downward, it spirals down faster because it all feeds itself. It's a "positive feedback loop." Many of the symptoms of depression, like fatigue, weight gain, difficulty sleeping, irritability, etc, help to make the problem and self-stigmatizing worse.
I hate it.
I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling worthless. I hate feeling so much self-hatred. I hate this.
It's hard to be positive when I'm feeling this way, but I suppose I should try. (Much of me doesn't get or believe in the power of positivity but then I also see the value in my affirmations. I do think that affirmations and balanced thoughts and mindfulness are very different from simple "positive thought". And I still fight this notion that I just have to "think positively"). So maybe instead of being positive, I'll just try to balance the thoughts.
This is a disease. This is what my brain does when I feel really bad. I am not a bad person. I am not a failure. I am working hard to get better and I accept my illness such that I seek treatment and have for a long time.
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
the future's not ours, to see. que sera, sera
Tuesday, 02/21/17, 3:08pm
TMS treatment has officially started. I completed day 2 this morning, and we're not yet to the full intensity of the treatment. Not sure that I'm any more unusual than other patients, but we've still been adjusting the magnet position ever so slightly to try and reduce the twitching in my face. Cuz, you know, that's real fun. Jaw twitches, slight eye twitching (thank goodness that one has been slight- sounds super uncomfortable), cheek and upper lip twitching, and even a weird sensitivity going into a tooth or two. Weird, huh?
So the way it works is I get treatment of 40 magnetic pulses over a period of 4 seconds, and then we wait 26 seconds until the next cycle. Those magnetic pulses translate into a tap at the location on my head. It's tolerable, but not without some pain. Although I should get used to or desensitized to that after some amount of time. But then I've been all worried after today's appointment that we're not at the full intensity yet, and here I am not tolerating the lesser intensity still.
Sigh.
Emotions have been running on a roller-coaster, I mean really for awhile, but especially yesterday and today with the treatment. I can't explain why I find this so scary, when there are so few risks or side effects. But there it is. I've been scared, anxious, depressed, tense, exhausted.
So it's 2 down, 28 to go. That's not so bad, right? Except that it seems every day is going to be intense. Maybe just for a little while, in the beginning. I'll get used to it, I won't be so anxious anymore. And in a couple weeks, if it's working, then I'll be starting to feel better.
I hope.
TMS treatment has officially started. I completed day 2 this morning, and we're not yet to the full intensity of the treatment. Not sure that I'm any more unusual than other patients, but we've still been adjusting the magnet position ever so slightly to try and reduce the twitching in my face. Cuz, you know, that's real fun. Jaw twitches, slight eye twitching (thank goodness that one has been slight- sounds super uncomfortable), cheek and upper lip twitching, and even a weird sensitivity going into a tooth or two. Weird, huh?
So the way it works is I get treatment of 40 magnetic pulses over a period of 4 seconds, and then we wait 26 seconds until the next cycle. Those magnetic pulses translate into a tap at the location on my head. It's tolerable, but not without some pain. Although I should get used to or desensitized to that after some amount of time. But then I've been all worried after today's appointment that we're not at the full intensity yet, and here I am not tolerating the lesser intensity still.
Sigh.
Emotions have been running on a roller-coaster, I mean really for awhile, but especially yesterday and today with the treatment. I can't explain why I find this so scary, when there are so few risks or side effects. But there it is. I've been scared, anxious, depressed, tense, exhausted.
So it's 2 down, 28 to go. That's not so bad, right? Except that it seems every day is going to be intense. Maybe just for a little while, in the beginning. I'll get used to it, I won't be so anxious anymore. And in a couple weeks, if it's working, then I'll be starting to feel better.
I hope.
Monday, February 13, 2017
how many seas must a white dove sail before she sleeps in the sand?
Monday, 02/13/17, 10:07am, 1:11pm
Hello my dear blog. It's been a very long time.
It's been so long I think I've felt especially nervous and unsure about what to come back with. I haven't felt much like blogging in so long, that it's felt that no topic is deserving of blogging.
Well that's just silly. There are plenty of things to blog about, to continue to blog about, when it comes to mental health. A topic that continually evolves, for the world, in our communities, and individually.
The last many weeks have been long. Many of them, many of the days, I've just felt, I don't know, like I'm underwater, in a fog, in a hole. I date my depressive episode here from around Christmas time, when I came off antidepressants completely to try a different bipolar medication (the one that maybe gave me that potentially deadly rash). There've been some ups for sure, plenty of functioning I guess, but a lot of depression, much a deep, dark depression, with a plethora of anxiety to top it all off. It's been really hard, and I think it was too much to share openly on the blog while it was happening. I say "was" because honestly, the last week has been slightly better. One of the difficult side effects of the depressive episode has been the fatigue. Complete, utter fatigue and lack of energy. It's been nearly impossible to stay up past 9pm most nights, or even simply beyond kids going to bed, and we figured out it could have been worsened by one of the leftover medications I'm still on. There are 2, neither of which are antidepressants. One is an anti-psychotic which had been paired with the antidepressants, but we kept me on it since we don't know if I'll be worsened by going off it. The other is an anti-seizure medication which has been shown to help with anxiety. So we weaned me off the anti-seizure med, and suddenly I have more energy. I still don't feel normal by any means, but once in awhile I stay up until 10 or 10:30pm now.
It was good timing to wean off that med since we just had a ski weekend in Crested Butte with family and friends. I certainly needed the extra energy even if it wasn't enough to ski full days, or stay up very late with our friends. The depression still crept in a couple points, as it just does these days, but we kept it at bay, at least until the drive home yesterday.
Here's my best family photo of the weekend. Our attempt at a selfie, minutes after the paid photographer offered to take a photo for us. I did not manage to take a whole lot of photos from the trip.
But yeah, I did the pigtail braid thing...
And this was the view from our condos... a ski in/ski out place. :)
So this Thursday I have my motor threshold appointment for the TMS treatment which starts next Monday, a week from today. This whole process has felt like such a long time coming, and really it kinda has been. But it's here. So motor threshold is interesting. That will be my first experience with the magnet, and they'll be positioning it on my head to find the location where they can twitch my right thumb. That will determine the precise location, some exact number of centimeters forward from that point or something, where they'll be delivering treatment.
Man, it feels surreal to be talking about this treatment as something that's actually going to happen to me. Like it still feels like I'm talking about someone else.
And this treatment has few risks, little to any discomfort, and likely positive outcomes, and yet, I'm awfully scared still. I guess I'm just scared it won't work. That nothing will change, that I won't start feeling better. And I'm still doing the cautious hopefulness thing here, trying not to get carried away, banking on something that may not do anything. But I am hoping. And I'm excited that it's almost here.
I will try to blog more often through treatment. I want to. I want to try and document it to some extent because it may be a somewhat unique perspective out there, but I'm also going to be continuing to take things a little easier. I've been letting go expectations for quite some time now, and it's been helping, but it's still challenging for me to do. I still beat myself up for not cooking dinner very often, for not feeling well enough to do a lot of normal things, for not feeling up to social stuff, for not being a better mom while I feel awful about myself. But everything has taken second place to the depression for awhile now, too long, and I'm looking forward to hopefully feeling a bit better finally.
Hello my dear blog. It's been a very long time.
It's been so long I think I've felt especially nervous and unsure about what to come back with. I haven't felt much like blogging in so long, that it's felt that no topic is deserving of blogging.
Well that's just silly. There are plenty of things to blog about, to continue to blog about, when it comes to mental health. A topic that continually evolves, for the world, in our communities, and individually.
The last many weeks have been long. Many of them, many of the days, I've just felt, I don't know, like I'm underwater, in a fog, in a hole. I date my depressive episode here from around Christmas time, when I came off antidepressants completely to try a different bipolar medication (the one that maybe gave me that potentially deadly rash). There've been some ups for sure, plenty of functioning I guess, but a lot of depression, much a deep, dark depression, with a plethora of anxiety to top it all off. It's been really hard, and I think it was too much to share openly on the blog while it was happening. I say "was" because honestly, the last week has been slightly better. One of the difficult side effects of the depressive episode has been the fatigue. Complete, utter fatigue and lack of energy. It's been nearly impossible to stay up past 9pm most nights, or even simply beyond kids going to bed, and we figured out it could have been worsened by one of the leftover medications I'm still on. There are 2, neither of which are antidepressants. One is an anti-psychotic which had been paired with the antidepressants, but we kept me on it since we don't know if I'll be worsened by going off it. The other is an anti-seizure medication which has been shown to help with anxiety. So we weaned me off the anti-seizure med, and suddenly I have more energy. I still don't feel normal by any means, but once in awhile I stay up until 10 or 10:30pm now.
It was good timing to wean off that med since we just had a ski weekend in Crested Butte with family and friends. I certainly needed the extra energy even if it wasn't enough to ski full days, or stay up very late with our friends. The depression still crept in a couple points, as it just does these days, but we kept it at bay, at least until the drive home yesterday.
Here's my best family photo of the weekend. Our attempt at a selfie, minutes after the paid photographer offered to take a photo for us. I did not manage to take a whole lot of photos from the trip.
But yeah, I did the pigtail braid thing...
And this was the view from our condos... a ski in/ski out place. :)
So this Thursday I have my motor threshold appointment for the TMS treatment which starts next Monday, a week from today. This whole process has felt like such a long time coming, and really it kinda has been. But it's here. So motor threshold is interesting. That will be my first experience with the magnet, and they'll be positioning it on my head to find the location where they can twitch my right thumb. That will determine the precise location, some exact number of centimeters forward from that point or something, where they'll be delivering treatment.
Man, it feels surreal to be talking about this treatment as something that's actually going to happen to me. Like it still feels like I'm talking about someone else.
And this treatment has few risks, little to any discomfort, and likely positive outcomes, and yet, I'm awfully scared still. I guess I'm just scared it won't work. That nothing will change, that I won't start feeling better. And I'm still doing the cautious hopefulness thing here, trying not to get carried away, banking on something that may not do anything. But I am hoping. And I'm excited that it's almost here.
I will try to blog more often through treatment. I want to. I want to try and document it to some extent because it may be a somewhat unique perspective out there, but I'm also going to be continuing to take things a little easier. I've been letting go expectations for quite some time now, and it's been helping, but it's still challenging for me to do. I still beat myself up for not cooking dinner very often, for not feeling well enough to do a lot of normal things, for not feeling up to social stuff, for not being a better mom while I feel awful about myself. But everything has taken second place to the depression for awhile now, too long, and I'm looking forward to hopefully feeling a bit better finally.
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