I've looked at clouds from both sides now, from up and down and still somehow, it's cloud's illusions I recall, I really don't know clouds at all

Tuesday, 01/24/17, 1:53pm, 3:52pm

Oh. Wow. Whew.

I've been in a pretty hefty state of anxiety the past several days to a week. I felt literally petrified about this doctor appointment I had this morning.

But ok. That first part is over. Everything moving forward will still be anxiety inducing, I'll still be scared, but I think what I was really scared about was unfounded.

Ok, let me give you some background. As you may know, I've been working towards starting TMS (or transcranial magnetic stimulation). It's been kind of a long process, at least from when my psychiatrist first mentioned it to me, although I suppose that was still only a couple months ago. It's felt long though from when we decided, yes, we're going to try this route, contact that doctor. Then there have been a bunch of insurance discussions because of course the place my doctor recommended is out of network. And release forms so that my doctor and this new doctor can talk. And doctors talking. And scheduling an evaluation appointment, which brings us to today.

Today was my TMS evaluation, and Nasser took me to it because I was so anxious. And it was good. Good to meet the doctor who does this treatment, it was kinda more like an interview for us to go over my history a little, get any questions answered. It put me into a nice hopeful state. But the woman who does scheduling wasn't there when my appointment finished so we planned to talk later in the afternoon.

Well it felt like my world came crashing down again this afternoon after speaking to the scheduler. And it's not that bad. It's just that the earliest treatment start date, based on doing a motor threshold appointment with the magnet the week before (that one is the hard one to schedule since there are several people that need to be there), is Monday, February 20th. So like a month away.

And there's still the possibility they will try to get me in earlier. The doctor had wanted to get me in sooner after talking with me.

I knew this was possible, yet now that it's scheduled, it feels nearly impossible to wait that long. I thought I was preparing for scheduling to be tough, but I guess I'd still held hope that they could start next week or something. Four weeks and two days until that motor threshold appointment, then four days later I'd be starting treatment. I mean you'd think I could handle this.

But. It's still really really hard. It's been really really hard for awhile now. And as it seems it will be really really hard for awhile longer.

And then this is probably the biggest reason I haven't wanted to blog. Much of the time lately I've been depressed, or anxious, or both, and it feels like I'm just complaining about this sucky life I have. And I am grateful for all the good things that I have in my life, I really am. But then depression has a way of removing that gratitude and replacing it with self-doubt, shame, and worthlessness.

I just keep having to remind myself that this is all my illness talking and work to not beat myself up about feeling bad and thereby make it worse.

On a separate note, one of my biggest projects lately, has been coloring and a little bit of drawing. It's been a good distraction. Below is my sketch of "dragon tea party, with some politics arguing"...

And colored in...

the snow glows white on the mountain tonight, not a footprint to be seen.

Tuesday, 01/17/17, 10:26am, 1:29pm, 2:19pm

Whew.

Well hello dear blog. It's been awhile.

It's especially been awhile since it feels like anything from me has been optimistic or hopeful or happy.

Today, looking back on the weekend, I feel mostly happy. And I want to tell you about it. There were parts that were really really tough, where the depression really threatened to take over, but I mostly did well.

It started on Thursday last week, with the first of our friends coming in through DIA starting around noon. (Really it started almost a year ago after another friends ski trip over MLK weekend and I immediately started to work towards the next idea for a friends trip). Some stayed with us that night, and some got an Airbnb nearby. Our friends with young girls stayed with us and it was so much fun to watch the kids become fast friends. My boys are a little older with TK 2 years older than their older girl P. RG enjoyed entertaining baby A, for which I got no photos. Friday afternoon, the friends all caravan-ed up the mountains together while TK and I waited for RG to get outta school and Nasser to get outta work. TK and P had to say goodbye; it was wild to see TK pick up a smaller kid!

We didn't leave until almost 6pm Friday, had to make several stops for gas and new windshield wiper blades, both necessary for the drive up the mountains in potential weather. US-40 to Winter Park was pretty in the moonlight, despite being a little dicey.

So I have to backtrack a minute. Several months ago, I booked a house (a VRBO rental) for this weekend. It was a 7 bedroom house with an additional bunk room, and a good deal. Oh man you guys, it was so nice, it had a hot tub, lots of bedding and more importantly, all the necessary bedding, for our group. And it was on the free shuttle route for the Winter Park ski resort, where many in the group were planning on skiing.

Well.

On Friday morning, around 11am, I got a call from the owner telling me that he was so so sorry, but that he and his wife had each booked their house for the weekend. And her group moved in the night before, so we were out of luck. Well not entirely, as the guy informed me that they were going to re-book us for the weekend nearby (in whatever we could find last minute) and give me a free stay at his house another time.

The house we ended up with was... weird, interesting, crazy huge with lots of wasted space and some space that appeared to still be under construction, and not too fantastic in many ways in the end.

We ended up without a hot tub (which I know, it sounds so needy, but I personally love on group trips like this, especially when skiing), way off the highway on county roads that weren't well plowed for the poor little rental cars many of my friends had, with a very, very strange (oh man, and definitely not cleaned well in so long) house.

Here's our bedroom, one of the 5 "master" bedrooms. Some of our friends were put out though in comparison to the original accommodations, thanks to different in incorrect for our group, bedding.

And then there was the bathroom which seemed so nice at first (improper sloping in the shower meant for puddling when showering, which was also in direct line of that window next to the tub which had no blinds. Also the jetted tub took so long to fill and then. the jets had definitely not been cleaned in quite some time). No door on the toilet room either, which is also in view of that window. But whatever, few, and far away, neighbors for this crazy "estate" house.

Oh and then there were all those chandeliers... and ummm... pictures of chandeliers? There were several of those actually.

(I've been working on a big email to the original owner today on how the situation really was not rectified after he double-booked us, so, apologies for all the complaining I'm doing).

We ended up skiing with the kids on Saturday afternoon; we were lazy and social with the non-skiing crew in the AM, which was great.

TK waiting around for Daddy and RG to finish getting RG rental skis and boots since we had left his boots at home. in the garage. sigh.

gorgeous kid friendly tree run, it was pretty flat so a bit tricky to get through. 

what is it they say about families that stick together through the trees? nothing? well they should.

I know, I know, we should use the safety bar. I bet it would put RG at ease a little more. he fell getting on a lift last season, and apparently was more traumatized than I realized. 

you can totally tell I'm terrified I'm going to drop my phone while attempting to get the whole family in the photo. 

We found some neighborhood friends while skiing! They've got twins who are RG's age, and a daughter in her teens, who babysits for us sometimes. The 8 year olds really enjoyed skiing together. That's RG, the dark one on the left, crouching down to gain more speed, that goof.

The moms do it too; that's my neighbor friend on the right. You gotta gain speed as much as you can in those flat sections though.

that's the neighbor boy twin behind me in the orange. I'm best taking photos while skiing on the green runs, but it's hard to capture with all of us spread out.

so beautiful, you guys!

one of my friends helped out with a kid on the 2 person lift. we had split off from Nasser and TK and another friend at this point.

because apparently I love lift photos with RG. poor kid though, he hated this lift, but it was late enough at this point the larger one at that spot was closed.

That evening, after putting the kiddos to bed, many of us played a fun card game at this huge table. This was a good spot for the next night too, even though the original chair placement wasn't designed for people to sit at this table. Hah. It was rather difficult to maneuver behind where I was sitting, into the kitchen. But again, oh well.

The next morning we tried for an early start, with friends at the house watching our kids for the day (WOW and WOOOPEE!); we made it onto Mary Jane before lunch.

I got most of the Sunday ski group in the photos on top of Mary Jane after lunch, but my one friend left early to go back and help with his kids and take everyone sledding. Dear blog, I have some really awesome awesome friends who took some great care of our kiddos to let us ski till almost close. We didn't ski till close because our quads were so tired already.

I got some action shots on the greens off Mary Jane!

oh and here's the house and driveway in the daylight. or twilight really.

I didn't take more photos until we were going home on Monday, which was beautiful, so you'll have to bear with me because I took many. These are the narrowed down picks.

the new snow on the trees made for driving in a winter wonderland. US-40 was slow-going and trying to stay in the previous tracks in the snow, but then I-70 was pretty clear by the time we were taking the drive, late in the morning. 

but yeah, 70 was not without traffic.

so we jumped onto US-6 when we could and only looked back briefly to find nobody following.

I was a little obsessed with the tunnels, and we tried to get the kids to join us in holding our breath going through them.

clearly I haven't been on 6 in a long time, but I was a little obsessed with the meandering, icy sided, river.

I didn't actually read on this road though, too windy. that's RG's latest favorite book series, of which he's getting Nasser and slowly, me, into. I'm starting to decide that in my state of depression of late, I need some easier reading. but engaging. so far, this is good for that, and I'm still reading it super slowly.

we got some traffic due to slow car(s) in the lead. surprisingly enough, the slow car was not the casino bus.

I kept pointing out the falling rock netting to the kids

last tunnel!

still beautiful on our way into Golden.

we were starving for lunch, TK ate all of it!

my goofballs, one in pjs, and one in shorts.

All in all, it was a good, successful, enjoyable weekend. Some things still to hopefully get resolved with that first house rental owner, but I'm working on not letting that aspect ruin the weekend for me. We got great slope time, both with and without the kids, great hanging out at the house time, we still made good dinners despite that awful (albeit large) kitchen, and the kiddo with friends and friends' kiddos time was so worth it.

On a separate note, I am still off all antidepressants, waiting for evaluation appointment for TMS (again, transcranial magnetic stimulation) a week from today. Although there will still likely be a tough letdown from the trip, more than so far since I've been enjoying working on this post. It's tough to enjoy so much the time with friends from long ago who knew me when I wasn't depressed, and then go back to reality. It's easier to pretend that I'm not depressed for a short time like that, even if a simple question of "how have you been doing?" puts me into tears still. I pretended much of the weekend, and only in some more stressful instances did it threaten to take over.

Going to finish with hope, after watching this clip last night, where comedian Neal Brennan and Trevor Noah briefly talk depression and TMS.