what the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.

Saturday, 03/18/17, 11:21am

I'm in another low today. A couple really stupid arguments with Nasser triggered me. And oh it feels terrible whenever I'm triggered by people I love, which is nowhere near as rare as I'd like. It certainly happens with the kids plenty. When it's with Nasser though, it feels particularly worse, because my brain distorts things badly enough that I question his love for me. Of course, he does love me, very much, and our arguments don't change that, but then my stupid good-for-nothing brain. Sigh.

This fucking diseased brain of mine. I shouldn't have such hatred towards my brain, but it's my worst enemy. It makes me believe that I'm worthless, that I deserve to feel awful, that I deserve to think that my life isn't worth anything, to anyone. It makes me think that I'm the scum of the earth, that I'm the worst parent, the worst everything.

And then, when I'm not strong enough to combat the thoughts my brain plants in me, my brain says it's all my fault. It's because I'm not strong enough, I'm just this weak pathetic being. And those thoughts all compound, and everything becomes proof for why I'm the worst.

And yet, I have proven to have a logical part of my brain. I completed undergraduate and graduate degrees in mechanical engineering, and you'd think I could apply that analytical, logical side to my emotions. But it's like (I suppose actually is) separate parts of my brain, and only the one part is sick. And we're trying to jump-start that part of my brain with TMS right now, and 4 weeks in, one day "I'm starting to get better" and the next it's as if I've crashed and I can't even move to find my broken pieces again.

Today, my thoughts feel jumbled and angry and despairing. It's hard to concentrate and I'm questioning the idea of blogging at all. Maybe it is better to wait until I'm in a better state to share, it's safer, but again, that always feels less honest to me.

I want to use that stupid acronym right now- FML. Fuck My Life. It's a horrible thing to say, really, but it does perfectly embody how I feel right now. FML. I suppose it should be FMLwD, or Fuck My Life with Depression. Because really, I think I would love my life if it weren't for that fucking Depression. It just taints everything with its presence.

All you wonderful people out there who know firsthand what this is like, I feel for you. It's not your fault, just as it's not my fault. I wish I could remove that shame we carry with our struggles. Because above all else, this is just a horrid illness, a disease of an organ, but it just happens to be of the brain. Just because the brain houses all our thoughts, doesn't mean it can't get sick.