I'm the one at the sail, I'm the master of my sea

Thursday, 06/06/19, 12:01pm, 3:24pm; Friday, 06/07/19, 10:50am, 12:30pm

So yeah. Hi.

It's been, well, 4 and a half months since I've written. To be fair I wrote up a big portion of a post in March but then never finished it.

It's a weird feeling at the moment, typing a post. I've come to have no real clue how I feel about my blog anymore. My journey has brought me to feel much better about life lately, more confident, more capable at handling things. I mean I think it has. I tend to not really know how I feel about all that either.

That's strange, right? I'm more confident, but also less confident. But maybe that actually makes a lot of sense? It's all perspective I guess.

I've wondered, do I really want to share much about my emotional being anymore? Maybe not sharing as much is contributing some to feeling better. There is some strong proof for that. I haven't really "done" facebook in quite some time, like over a year. And it feels so healthy for me, and necessary to keep up how I'm doing. Maybe facebook, and to some extent my blog, were allowing me to seek external validation rather than doing it for myself. But I was maybe doing that because I didn't know how to validate myself. It's still really hard; I'm not claiming I'm good at that. But I've improved?

I've been refocusing on some things in my life. I'm focusing on being healthy- doing things for myself that keep me healthy (eating at least a little better, exercising, reading); I started volunteering more at the kids' school; I started doing lots of yardwork which feels productive, healthy, and satisfying; I'm paying more attention to my emotions and working on recognizing when things are slipping; since January, I started up with again and have finally (again) stuck with my choir; I'm starting to slightly think about the idea of looking for a job, or just fixing up that resume, with the strong feelings of no, I'm not ready and no, I'm not sure I want to, eh. I still get stressed plenty with the different things I'm doing, especially like with our crazy house remodel stuff this spring (all fixes and upgrades from our stupid leak/flood situation back in October).

Speaking of the house stuff... we are finally... complete. Like as of this morning (now yesterday, since I didn't finish this post yesterday, hah) when our painter was doing a couple last touch-ups on some things. We went through full master bathroom remodel which included knocking out a couple walls, new floor with a heating element underneath, custom built vanity and linen closet, fancy (we think) tile and finishes, huge nice tub. Hah. It's nice. Oh and new paint. And that's just the bathroom. The study which was destroyed had a few drywall patch ups, rewiring/etc for recessed lighting and ceiling fan, new paint, and new hickory flooring. That same hickory flooring also replaced the carpet on the stairs and through the entire upstairs (minus the bathrooms, one of which still needs a remodel). New baseboards in all those places and new paint in master bedroom, both kids rooms, and all those closets. It's a lot. And, well, expensive. Good thing insurance helped a teeny bit (in the overall scheme of things) and good thing we were able to sell some stock this spring. Here's a few before and after shots.

changed to:

So that's a nice change. :) Here's some of the other floor and paint changes as well.

study (new floor, new paint, new desks):

 master and TK's room (ours is the more muted blue; new floor and paint in both):

 RG's new room, was guest room (new floor and fancy new paint design) (he's excited):

We still have lots and lots of "moving back into" our house. So much stuff taken out of the study and upstairs bedrooms and closets. But we're trying to put things back mindfully, with only the things we actually care to keep. There's a lot to donate, but we still need to figure all that out.

Since I'm on a photo kick, here's a few more from the past few months. I did end up doing my half marathon in February (got all messed up bc my flight got cancelled which led to my whole trip getting cancelled, but I found a race locally instead). I'm also including pi day pie celebrations, boys making Chicago style pizza, RG's "guitar cafe" from a few weeks of learning guitar in music, skiing over spring break, field trip I volunteered for with TK's class, TK lost those front teeth, RG's 5th grade graduation, some running shots of the Bolder Boulder 10k (which our family ALL DID) (also includes some cousins and others we met up with at the end).

  

Like I said, photo kick.

The other thing to mention briefly is we are going on a big trip, real soon. On Tuesday the 18th we all fly to Chicago. We leave the boys with Nasser's mom for "Grandma camp extended", and Nasser and I fly to London (!). We take the train to Amsterdam to stay for 2 nights before meeting up with my choir for a week long Netherlands river cruise (!). We have 3 concerts along the way. :) Then we have ~10 days to figure out beyond that before we fly back to Chicago via London again. Heehee. I'm excited, nervous, and a bit anxious about the fact that we don't have all the details figured out. I'd like to at least have lodging decided beforehand. Planning the exact things to see in whatever locations isn't as big a deal to me. But yeah. It's pretty cool.

I think I'm going to publish this post before it becomes another draft that never gets completed. Until next time, which will be who knows when! ~~~~

it's true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you

Thursday, 01/24/19, 3:17pm

Hi.

Ummm, hey.

It's been a little while.

Well kinda a long while.

I think as time went longer since my last post, I found it harder and harder to come back.

Things are, well, going.

I'm actually doing pretty well right now. I finished that DBT course at the end of November, got excited about exercise again and have made it a priority each week since then, and I'm slowly learning how to incorporate some new skills in my life. It's certainly not perfect, and never will be, and to be totally fair, perfection is not possible for any of us. But it's... not too bad really. I've gotten my kiddos interested in "meditation". Probably a good couple times a week, when they're working on falling asleep, I'll talk them through an exercise. I talk them through some breathing, some imagery usually, and just some general good calming techniques. We've only done it at bedtime so far, but I really like that sometimes they request it. It's pretty cool to be honest.

For Christmas we drove to the Chicago area. Nasser and I are both from there. His immediate family is there, but I now only have extended family there. And of course, we both have quite a few friends there still. We were there for about a week, it was really nice and all, but a bit of a whirlwind, as it usually is. We did get to spend some really good quality time with Nasser's family, and some bits with some friends but definitely couldn't fit in everybody. The picture below was taken at the Chicago Botanic Gardens, by Nasser's mom, with a little enhancement I guess by Google. I totally love that the boys ended up in the background.

And just one more picture. Not perfect, and a bit blurry, but I caught some of the Chicago skyline outside the Shedd Aquarium. It makes me happy.

Somehow over the holidays I decided I would train for this half marathon. I've been registered for it for awhile. It all started with having registered for the Glacier National Park half marathon last June, which my three siblings and one brother-in-law ran. I didn't train, was in no shape to do it, was having foot problems, and so I didn't do it. I was able to transfer my registration to a different race, specifically the Zion National Park half marathon, which is one month from yesterday, Saturday February 23rd. I guess you could say I've been doing ok. I made out a little schedule for myself and did my longest run yet yesterday- 8.2 miles. I'm doing physical therapy every week to keep from getting injured, keeping up with some cross-training, and I'm trying not to get wrapped up into too high of expectations. I've been extremely surprised with how well it's all going.

Next week we have a contractor starting up with our bathroom remodel, finally. It's been a long and stressful process trying to find one we like, finalize our design, and get through choosing everything (which we have a lot of still). But it is happening and I really really can't wait to have it all finished.

This Sunday we are attending a Celebration of Life event. It's for the anesthesiologist/psychiatrist from the place I did ECT. The whole thing is really heartbreaking. He and the other psychiatrist started this practice, and this guy was diagnosed with cancer literally one month before dying. He was a really kind and calming person to be putting you to sleep prior to the seizure. You always knew you were in good hands. The event is expected to have a really large attendance.

And now I have no transition from that sad paragraph. But then, as usual, we are experiencing my jumping around train of though.

I've figured out something I really love about winter. RG and TK are now "grown up" enough that after school, when there's snow, I feel comfortable letting them outside for hours at a time while they sled, build sledding jumps, and make snowballs. Sometimes they're out there until it has gotten fully dark. They like going to the slope across the other side of the greenbelt lawn, but even when they're there I can make them out from the back window. Usually when it gets dark though, they hang out just to the side of our house (see pic below) where there is a very small slope. When they come home, their stuff is soaked, they stink, and often they have dragged into the garage some huge "snowballs" in the sleds that they want to save. In December there was even a time when they put snowballs into plastic bags and stored them in the freezer for a few weeks.

(You know what? I love having a post that's mostly good things.)

Oh and, going back to the exercise discussion, I am suddenly doing an "indoor triathlon" this Sunday. One of my sisters was signed up for it but has been having knee issues, so when she asked if anyone wanted her spot, for some reason I said yes. Hah. It should be ok though. It's all in a gym. And it's based on time. So they throw you in the pool for 10 minutes, give you a 10 minute transition, you go on a stationary bike for 30 minutes, 5 minute transition, then 20 minutes on a treadmill. And they just track your distance on each segment and you get points based on that. We'll see. I would be a bit happier with like 20 minutes in the pool and less of the others.

One more thing. I promise. I really will stop bragging/sharing/whatever this is. I am yet again trying to be in my choir. I'm really excited about it, again. And this time, I really hope it sticks. Our upcoming March concert is Mardi Gras music, aka New Orleans Jazz music. I think it's going to be amazingly awesome.

Well, perhaps when I next post I'll be able to update on my half marathon. Which hopefully happens. And I hopefully don't kill my body in trying to make it happen.