I can still remember how that music used to make me smile

Thursday, 05/17/18, 9:01am, 11:34am

Hey there. Can you believe it? I'm not waiting a month between blog posts this time. Hah. Not like I won't do that next time though. Don't adjust your expectations due to this. I guess I like being a little unpredictable. :)

So. I've been rather obsessed with music recently. I mean. Not like I haven't been obsessed with music most of my life. I mean. There's the whole blog post title thing, which if you haven't noticed, is almost always a song lyric. Some of them may be a bit less known, but some are easily recognizable. And going back in time, I joined my first choir some time in elementary school (can't quite remember how old I was since my memory sucks these days). I stayed with that choir through high school and it brought me so so many amazing experiences, learning, opportunities, and friends. Some highlights were tours to Niagara Falls, Canada/ Carnegie Hall, New York/ Canterbury Cathedral, England. I was in the high school choir, performed some fun extra things in the school variety shows, dabbled a bit in choirs during college including a church choir to get some weekly fix of singing. More recently, in the last few years, I joined the local Boulder Chorale which was so wonderful but I had to take a break this year due to treatment. I wasn't about to try and learn new songs which I wasn't going to remember week to week, heh. I was going to try and do a small bit with the choir this spring for a "May the Fourth" performance with the local symphony orchestra for the live music with Star Wars viewing. That plan went down in flames when I was too depressed the day of the first rehearsal to actually attend. Oi.

Anyway. I've enjoyed recently playing a lot of favorite music when I'm doing stuff around the house, taking showers, doing exercise like running and biking (unfortunately it doesn't work too well logistically to do it while swimming), driving in the car (especially with the windows down and making the music super super loud). Yesterday I decided to make a nice list of songs I love, and that I love to sing along with, for the purpose of "when I'm in a bad state". Because singing, especially singing along to stuff I totally love, is a good mood booster for me. So I now have a Google Sheet with a list of like 15 songs so far. I have lots more to add though. :) And then of course, making the list puts me in a better mood and encourages me to pull up some of those favorites.

Haha, and now, since writing the above, I've already added several more songs to the list (it will always be in progress I think), and I've revised the list to include a bunch of other self-helpy stuff. I keep coming up with different ways to "remind myself" of ways to get myself out of the hole and keep trying to place them in places/ways that I'll know to go to when I am in that state. I have post-its still on our bathroom mirror with reminders of my good qualities, I have my latest pages on the bedroom wall of good motivational quotes, I have these index cards that I "laminated" some time ago and put in my purse so I could pull them out when needed (and I've mostly not remembered they were there),

I have various piles in my room near our bed of lovely cards I've kept from wonderful people, I have books piled up near the bed of favorite ones and self-help ones, I've printed up pictures from various times and places and events in my life that make me happy, I now have a Google Keep list started filling up one of the screens on my phone for "inspiration", and I guess I now am trying to consolidate some of that into this new spreadsheet.

I decided yesterday that I wanted to put together a "photo album" to put some of this stuff in one place. I actually ordered off Amazon today one of those self-adhesive type photo albums so I can choose to put things however and wherever I want. So like putting in some of those wonderful cards, great pictures, printed motivational quote stuff, some of my written lists for myself, maybe even write/ draw/ etc on the pages myself, in general, things I'd like to be reminded of whenever I need it (whether I'm in a bad state or otherwise). It's something I can gain some nice accomplishment feeling out of just the process of putting it together, it's a nice consolidated and physical location of a lot of this stuff that I've really worked on and been saving over the past bunch of years, it's something I think will make, and is already making, me feel some amount of happiness and pride over.

Now, as I keep jumping topics (although that's probably rather typical with my blog posts anyway), I do want to jump back to my music discussion. An idea popped in my head during my therapy session this morning. She mentioned, when we were talking about my recent obsession of music and singing, about another client who mentioned how he has a guitar in his house that he used to play but never does now. It made me think of the keyboard we have up in our guest room. I took piano lessons way back in the day and for some time, as an adult, enjoyed playing a few favorites once in a while. But I haven't played in a really long time. And. I also own a guitar that I received as a gift a long time ago but have, unfortunately, still not learned. I have some newfound intentions to start getting on that keyboard sometimes, even just to practice my scales and chords, eventually trying to pick up some of those old favorites again. And, I'd like to finally learn the guitar. I have a good friend who is in a similar situation in owning a guitar that she hasn't learned. We've talked in the past about taking lessons together. It's time to figure that out, even if we only get it into the schedule for the fall or something.

And on another separate note. I want to share about a recent (maybe) sign that I'm improving. It's been in the discussions, for it seems forever, in therapy, with doctors, in books, with others around me, this idea that I need to work on changing those bad thoughts to something less self-blaming, less negative, etc. And, for like forever, I've heard about that need and, it's felt like, have not had any success with it whatsoever. I can think, when I'm doing well, all about how to make that work. But it's always seemed that when that state hits, I can't pull myself out of those "I'm a failure" type thoughts. I may move past that bad day or whatever, but it's never felt that the "I'm a failure" thought has changed. Well. In the past week or so, I've noticed sometimes in my bad internal thinking, some very slight change to that. I've had a few successes of having a thought like "I hate myself" and somehow, right after, thinking, "wait. no. I hate the depression". Or "I'm such a failure" and then, "no, the depression makes me feel like a failure". It hasn't necessarily pulled me out of the depressive state to have these thought changer things occur. But maybe it's helped keep me from going even further down? But just the fact that I've had some of these happen, I guess gives me some added strength and proof to that "hey, maybe I can fight". Clearly, it's given me hope enough to share about it with you all.

Alright, I need to wrap this up for today. As much as I feel like I could write on and on, this is probably long enough, and I have some yard work calling me. Because I want to save lunch for afterward and it's basically lunchtime already. But hey, I'm actually going to try and accomplish some yard work. That doesn't happen very often. I guess the forecast of rain all weekend is added incentive. I suppose I haven't mentioned, we had 3 DAYS IN A ROW of hail here. Seriously. I'll leave you today with some pictures from one of those days (like the day after from hailing the night before).

And, while I'm at it, a pic from before my bike ride last Thursday.

So long, you know, until next month or something.

I look at the world and I notice it's turning, while my guitar gently weeps, with every mistake we must surely be learning, still my guitar gently weeps

Saturday, 05/12/18, 11:06am

Well I guess I'm really becoming a once-a-month blogger. Ah well.

This last month has been decently good, emotionally/mentally speaking, and we keep spreading treatments out more and more. This stretch I'm currently in is 4 weeks. Man, what a difference from the once every week time (which I think lasted a bunch of months), and then of course the 3x a week. The doctor had said, post acute phase of 3x a week, that the maintenance phase would be 6-12 months. I think I'm gonna end up longer than 12 months anyway, though that's not a bad thing and nothing to be ashamed of, but I think that I never felt like once a week was really "maintenance". To me that was more like a second phase of the treatment that was still fairly "in the thick of it" treatment. Now, with the spreading treatments out more and more, feels more like "maintenance" to me. Eh, whatever. Labels aren't exactly important.

So despite the overall "better and better", those bad days, moments, weekends, weeks still hit, and seemingly just as hard. Yesterday and today, so far, have been down in the hole despite an exceptionally good week this week. I managed really well with more evening kid responsibility due to some later work stuff that Nasser had a few of the days. I handled fights/complaining/etc with kids with, what felt like, more patience than I used to. I kept feeling more and more proud of myself. And I got in the pool and did my first bike ride in a really long time. Maybe it was the high hopes of getting back into an exercise every day routine kind of thing, and then not feeling able to yesterday, that brought me down. And I know that thoughts around tomorrow have been feeling like a big trigger. So. Yes, tomorrow is Mother's Day or whatever. Which has some of its own expectations or something. But tomorrow is also the 2nd anniversary of Adam's death. (As my longer term readers may remember, Adam is Nasser's brother who suffered from schizophrenia and was hit by a train and died the night of Friday, May 13th, 2016). I'm not actually going to spend much time discussing Adam today, not because I don't want to, but more because I'm scared that doing so or doing too much of it will just bring me down further.

I suppose that every down period for me has a trigger(s), although originally when it hit yesterday, it kinda felt like the depression just crept in and took over without me realizing it was there until it was too late. I mean, I guess I shouldn't say "too late" because it's not like it's ever too late. I recover and get through these down periods. But during them, it almost always feels like I never, ever will. I turn to the thoughts of "I hate my life", "I'm never going to be better", "why do I even try?", "nobody cares about me", "I'm a failure", "I'll never succeed at anything in life ever again", "I should just give up", etc, etc. It's overwhelming, it makes me sob and sob, it makes me feel like all my lists of "things to do when the depression hits" won't actually help, it makes me crawl further and further into my hole without being able to see or recognize any way out.

But then there are those little, tiny things that maybe seem slightly better, like just barely show that maybe, just possibly, I'm fighting, you know, at least a little. So like, above, when I stopped myself in the "too late" statement. And last night, when Nasser was putting the boys to bed, I started feeling like it was taking him a long time. And I started going into the thoughts that maybe he was hanging out in their room longer because he didn't want to spend time with me. And maybe he doesn't really love me. But I had the brief thoughts of, "no, this is what the depression wants you to feel. this isn't actually real". And after thinking that last night, it didn't like pull me out of the depression, but I guess it was kind of a start. Nasser told me that just having those little thoughts that fight the depressed thoughts is HUGE. It may be baby steps, but it's in the right direction.

A couple weeks ago, when I was in a bad state for a few days, I printed up all these mental health stuff that I had found on Pinterest, of all places. I had made myself a board called "for me" and filled it with these little pictures with good motivational, mental health related quotes. Then with all my printouts, I put together a bunch to hang up in my bedroom. This was the end result, that I'm currently calling my "wall of strength".

To me, they are all wonderful in so many ways, and I so want to blow them all up in this blog for you to see. I have a couple though that I'm picking out to draw your attention to.

They all totally make me tear up and choke up and yet, all in a good way. Like they give me strength every time that I see them. I am trying, I am always trying, even when it feels like I'm not trying or that I'm going to fail. I keep taking those steps to move forward. And even if this fight will never really end, for as long as I live, I am always trying, I am always fighting for those good moments/ days/ weekends/ weeks/ months/ whatever. I am fighting for those I love, I am fighting for those with their own fights, I am fighting for those who have lost their fight and have gone on to whatever lies beyond, and I am fighting for life itself.

This year, we are doing more of a Mother's Day celebration for me today, rather than tomorrow. Nasser made chocolate, chocolate chip muffins this morning, per my request. And we're basically doing whatever I want today, even though the depression has made it hard for me to figure out if there is anything I do want. We are going to the pool this afternoon though, and I think lunch and dinner are all up to me. I wanted to make today a substitute Mother's Day in some regard because it felt really conflicting to try and figure out ways to honor Adam tomorrow and yet also do Mother's Day activities. And then I'm also working on removing my expectations of a "perfect" Mother's Day and the "perfect" way to honor Adam, etc. I need more accepting in my life and less expecting. But then, baby steps.