Wednesday, 04/11/18, 12:37pm, 8:45pm
Oi. You know, I've thought seriously about writing several times over the last few weeks, and then I've either gotten too busy with kids or changed my mind about wanting to write or I've gotten into a really sucky junky crappy mood. We've had some really good visitors this past month, close friends, but that also can make for a bit more stress. Cuz I put extra things on my shoulders like I really need to keep the house clean/straightened up/whatever. We had spring break in there too, 2 separate trips to Winter Park for some skiing, so it's been a bit busy. On Saturday during the second week of spring break, Nasser convinced me to start up reading the Harry Potter series, yet again, since that seems to have a big influence on making me feel better. So I'm currently in the 5th book, and it's definitely helping a lot.
On a separate note, I gotta complain a second about the people out there who are ridiculously awkward when it comes to mental illness, and they pretend like my illness and treatment don't exist, and even sometimes pretend like I don't exist. It sucks. I do extremely hate how mental illness is treated as compared to "normal" illnesses. And yes, I get how it's improved so so much since many years ago, but it still has so far to go. I hate feeling like I said completely the wrong thing when I simply mention the word "treatment".
But then it's not like that's everyone. Most definitely not. And I so appreciate the people who aren't that. The people who actually ask how things are going with treatment. Those people who really show they care. My neighbor who walked over after catching me to actually ask how treatment is going. My nurse at treatment on Monday (although all the nurses show they care every time) who actually asked me how my blog is going. My aunt who asked my dad how I'm doing since I haven't written in awhile. My friends who message or call outta the blue to ask how I'm doing. My husband who does almost everything for me to keep up this huge huge support. Even though I have this big part of me who knows I'm supposed to focus so much on "getting better" (whatever that phrase actually means...), I have this massive guilt feeling about accepting so much help from so many others. And then I work really hard to fight that guilt, but then often feel like I have nothing left to work on the "getting better" part.
I am working on getting better though. As always.
We are slowly spreading out the treatments. I had a treatment this Monday, and the next one isn't for 3 weeks. I started up a yoga thing- it's a 30 day thing through Amazon, and I'm on day 8 for tomorrow, even though I started 2 Sundays ago. I have had to skip days here and there though. I'm hoping that this blog post today can get me a little more into the practice again. I'm reading often to avoid thinking about those things that tear me apart. I of course keep going to therapy every week. As always, I take my meds regularly every evening. My doctor at treatment on Monday said that this mood stabilizer (the one I'm finally at the right dose for) may actually take several months to truly get the full affect.
So, in general though, in this past month, since last I wrote, it's been, well, lots of ups and downs. Nasser and the doctor think that I keep improving. Little things, like the fact that my bigger stretch of down wasn't at the end of my break between treatments. It was in the middle and I improved before going in for the next treatment. And in general, I'm learning some how to improve from the crashes. At least partially, and I do have a method of getting to sleep early and taking my anti-anxiety/sleeping med when needed in order to have a better fighting chance for the next day. I have this method of reading Harry Potter in order to distract myself from the bad feelings. It's, just, hard. A lot. It's hard having a crash and feeling like there's no improvement, like ever. It's hard feeling like I'm just a really crappy person and shouldn't exist. It's hard feeling like I'm a burden on everyone around me. And it's hard to recognize that perhaps those feelings are becoming less often, because when they do show up, they're just, all-consuming.
And even looking at a day like today. It's not necessarily a good day, or a bad day. I suppose today would be called "meh" using my daily mood tracking app descriptions. I was able to do yoga, take a shower, feed myself, read some. But I'm feeling cruddy enough to have very little motivation to really do much. And I feel like I shouldn't complain since it's not like I feel horrid today. Oi. Again, oi.
I guess I don't really have much else to say today. Apologies for just being all over the place today and perhaps not having a real "point" or "purpose" to this blog post. That happens though, I suppose.
I do hope that all those who suffer from anything similar or in the same family of illnesses, or really anything, find strength within themselves to keep fighting and find lots of comfort and strength in those around them, supporting them. As always, even if I don't always say it, lots of love to you all.
