Today (well technically yesterday) has been a lot of ups and downs. I woke up this morning a little less angry and anxious than I was feeling last night. Nasser left this evening on a 7 day, 8 night work trip. And whew, today I got hit by this massive brick wall of anxiety and depression. It was ok, then it got worse, then it got awful, then it was better, then it was much better when I managed to fit in a barre workout with my sister, Audra. Our younger kiddos went into the childcare, and TK has greatly improved the whole dropoff experience in the last week. Before it was a clingy, tear-filled mess that never felt right (oh and it sometimes still is; I know those days are not completely gone. We've still got kindergarten to get through next year. Ummm, crap?). Today (I'm calling it today because here I am in the wee hours of the night and I haven't gone to bed yet so it is still today for me) drop off went great, barre went great, it was better, it was better, then boom. Brick wall. TK had a meltdown after class, something about he wanted to make the train go down the ramp first but D did so you know, he's 4 and its the end of the world as we know it and i don't feel fine. Got some good support from Aud in the car, so it was better. Then it was a little rough, it was better, it was better, it was horrible. Then it was mostly better. TK got some puzzles in this afternoon, RG got a playdate, but then they watched a lot for our family movie night. Ahem. Like 2 short movies and 1 long show. Yeah well it was that kinda day. They also got pizza delivery. And hot chocolate. And nerds. And pumpkin shaped gummies. And… You know what? Giving my kids some special things on a Friday night made me a better mom. A calmer, less stressed, happier mom.
And yeah, I started a puzzle while they were watching their shows. Because, damnit, that's the mom I am.
I've never done a blog before. I like the idea. I can talk to this void, for now you only exist in my Google Drive, bwa ha ha ha. I can delete you at any time. Or create a blog out of you and publish you.
I don't often wonder what it's like to not live with major depression disorder. I've only been diagnosed with it for about 6 and half years, but I think it's been there at a few points in my life long before that. I struggled with some of the normal pre-teen girl stuff, but between acne, and being the newer girl at a different school, and I dunno what else, I was most certainly NOT a popular kid. I don't think that necessarily caused or even greatly contributed to the depression. I mean we could start a massive debate here over nature vs nurture, but I feel strongly that there's at least some biological element to depression, and I think there's enough evidence to show that. Although there's still a lot we need to know about mental illness and causations and treatment, and I could go on and on. One of the reasons I'm starting to blog, is I want to get my experiences as a person who struggles with a mental illness out there. Mental illness is hard, can be life-threatening, and in too many cases, is basically fatal, perhaps in the same way a cancer kills. Our brain is an organ. I wonder can we look at suicide in that way? This person suffered from mental illness and very sadly, they lost their battle with the disease. But then there's a fine line. If you accept that one can die of a mental illness, does that only accept the suicide? Sometimes, in my deepest, darkest moments, I get, well I may as well call them what they are, suicidal thoughts. Oh man, is it not easy to admit that. Right society? I'm a failure as an individual because I get those thoughts. But no. That's not the safe thinking. I think “this depression is a disease of my organ, the brain. (Hello brain!) It is not a reflection on my character or my strength as an individual. It does not define me.”
Wow. What a blog start. Now that I've word and emotion vomited, it's time for bed.
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