and if you take my hand my son, all will be well when the day is done

Friday, 01/29/16, 9:35am

There's a lot going on right now. Nasser leaves for India tomorrow for a week. My sister and her fam just got back from South Korea, which is awesome. On a crappy note though, my parents had to leave town this week because my aunt, my mom's sister, is suddenly on the last days of her life. She's been fighting cancer for several years now, and now they say her organs will start shutting down shortly. It sucks. She lives in Michigan, so unless I decide to travel there just me and kids, I won't be seeing her again. I feel really helpless in that situation.

Now through tomorrow afternoon, though, things should be ok. Nasser is coming home early today, we have some nice plans with family and friends through the process of him leaving tomorrow.

I had a breakdown last night, mostly about Nasser's trip. I was supposed to go climbing with a few friends, but my anxiety/panic then depression attack screwed that up. And of course I felt ashamed that I couldn't recover and go. I'm doing better today, but I feel like I'm on the brink everytime Nasser's trip enters my brain. Rationally I know that I worry way more than necessary, and I usually end up ok on his trips. Maybe because he's going so far away this time and maybe because it's his longest business trip yet, this trip feels different.

On another downer note, RG has been reading these books lately, called "I survived...". He read "I survived Hurricane Katrina" first, and his second one was "I survived the September 11, 2001 attacks". Whew, that was a tough one. Of course it sparked a bit of discussion about it yesterday afternoon. It was a really tough conversation, because I wanted to convey so many things about it to him. I wanted to make him understand that it was a big, tough time for our country. I wanted him to have a grasp of the meaning of terrorism. I wanted him to understand that there were a lot of people who helped and that there were a lot of people who helped but didn't survive and that there were a lot of people who helped and are now dying years later due to the affects of what they breathed in those days. Obviously, I couldn't get through it without choking up several times. But I thought it was also important that he see that. TK got his first exposure to us talking about it yesterday, but he still doesn't understand most of it.

It sucks to raise children and have them start to understand the bad parts of our world. And the sad parts. But then there's all the good parts. I guess it's important to raise them with the understanding that there are both and I suppose if we go back to what we learned from the Daring Greatly book (hah, as discussed in some detail here, here, here, and especially here), the only way for our children to live wholeheartedly is to understand the bad stuff in addition to the good stuff. I've told them some about my aunt, it's not something I want to shield from them but I also don't want to spark a big worry about death. Lots of balance in life, I guess.

I'm going to end this post with song lyrics for an entire song now, ones that seem so relevant to this discussion. My favorite version of this song is Peter, Paul, and Mary's, although it ends a bit too exciting for my taste. This is one of those "hippy" songs I sing to my kids sometimes at bedtime.

DAY IS DONE
Peter Yarrow -Silver Dawn Music - ASCAP

Tell me why you're crying, my son
I know you're frightened, like everyone
Is it the thunder in the distance you fear?
Will it help if I stay very near?
I am here.

Refrain:
And if you take my hand my son
All will be well when the day is done.
And if you take my hand my son
All will be well when the day is done.
Day is done, Day is done
Day is done, Day is done

Do you ask why I'm sighing, my son?
You shall inherit what mankind has done.
In a world filled with sorrow and woe
If you ask me why this is so, I really don't know.

(Refrain)

Tell me why you're smiling my son
Is there a secret you can tell everyone?
Do you know more than men that are wise?
Can you see what we all must disguise
through your loving eyes?

(Refrain)

this is my tune for the taking, take it, don't turn away

Thursday, 01/28/16, 11:40am

Well I mostly finished the book.

Yeah, the one I've been talking about nonstop (here, here, and here). Daring Greatly, by Brené Brown. I skipped the chapter on "education and work" to come back to. But, it's a wonderful book. One that I'd recommend to everyone. I feel like the following quote sums it up quite well, "...there are many tenets of wholeheartedness, but at its very core is vulnerability and worthiness: facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough."

Well I feel pretty good about my willingness to get vulnerable (ex. blog, haha), but I think I could work on "knowing that I am enough". My typical negative self-talk is centered around "not ______ enough". Not feeling "enough" sucks. It is coupled with strong feelings of shame, which Brené talked about a good deal in her book as well. She talks about how important it is to have "shame resilience", which a lot of my coping mechanisms for depression qualify as.

I want to quote from the book again, with some important things we all need to understand about shame.

"1. We all have it. Shame is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience. The only people who don't experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection. Here's your choice: Fess up to experiencing shame or admit that you're a sociopath. Quick note: This is the only time that shame seems like a good option.
2. We're all afraid to talk about shame.
3. The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives."

I have felt or feel shame, when:

• I was in 2nd or 3rd grade, I distinctly remember telling a friend's brother that I didn't like the friend. At the time, I thought he'd think I was cooler if I didn't like his sister. (What was wrong with me???)
• I got pregnant "out of wedlock".
• I told my parents about my unplanned pregnancy.
• I had a "shotgun" wedding.
• I couldn't breastfeed RG.
• I couldn't even get RG to latch when trying to breastfeed.
• I was diagnosed with depression.
• I started taking medication for my depression.
• I told my family about my depression.
• I told friends about my depression.
• I needed therapy.
• I had to up the dosage of my anti-depressants while pregnant with TK.
• I ended up in the hospital for my depression.
• Everytime a friend or family member tells me how they do/did something with their kids, differently from the way I'm doing it. (I'm sure it's usually well-intentioned, but there's always that unspoken "and my way is/was better" that I feel). 
• I yell at my kids.
• I shame my kids.
• I yell at my husband.
• I shame my husband.
• I spanked my children. (oh that's a hard one to admit. Nasser and I decided several years ago though that it wasn't what we wanted to do anymore). 
• I think that I don't love my kids when I'm angry or depressed.
• I think that I don't love my husband when I'm angry or depressed.
• I want to end my life.
• I recover from my depression and think about the horrible things I thought or said.

Whew. That's some crappy stuff to admit. But I'm not going to go back and remove any of the line items. Because I choose to dare greatly in the face of my shame.

In the shame resilience part of the book, Brené talks about her strategies:

"1. Practice courage and reach out! Yes, I want to hide, but the way to fight shame and to honor who we are is by sharing our experience with someone who has earned the right to hear it- someone who loves us, not despite our vulnerabilities, but because of them.

2. Talk to myself the way I would talk to someone I really love and whom I'm trying to comfort in the midst of a meltdown: You're okay. You're human- we all make mistakes. I've got your back. Normally during a shame attack we talk to ourselves in ways we would NEVER talk to people we love and respect.

3. Own the story! Don't bury it and let it fester or define me. I often say aloud: 'If you own this story you get to write the ending. If you own this story you get to write the ending.' When we bury the story we forever stay the subject of the story. If we own the story we get to narrate the ending. As Carl Jung said, 'I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become.' "

That #2 is an important one for me.

We're going to practice some positive self-talk here.

I am a good, loving, and loved person. I am a loving wife, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, sister-in-law, aunt, niece, cousin, friend. I care about and for those around me. I am a loving and engaged mother. I want the best for my children and I strive to raise them as loving and caring individuals. I now will strive to raise them as "wholehearted" individuals. 

Read the book, all. Live wholeheartedly and dare greatly.

up and down. but in the end it's only round and round.

Tuesday, 01/26/16, 2:21pm

Agh. This book. If you don't know what book I'm reading, read this then this. It is so in my head. I'm still not done. I think I've only made about 20 some pages progress since finishing up last night, but I have to read so slowly. There's a lot of re-reading sentences or paragraphs, then there's the required time to reflect. There's the time to get angry and defensive about my life.

I have remembered why I have a hard time getting into "self-help" books. The good ones really make you take a hard look at every aspect of your life and realize you could be doing a lot better. But then you hit times where you feel like you're doing all the right things in some aspects of your life and you float on top of a cloud for awhile. I have loved this book at times. I have hated this book at times. Mostly it's love though.

The depression adds a whole new spin to reading "self-help" books. For me, I tend to get feelings of "omygosh, my depression is all my fault" or most recently "my depression is caused by this stupid self-destructive behavior". When I view the depression as "my fault", it becomes not a disease. It becomes I'm just not strong enough. I'm a failure. Etc, etc. If you've been reading my blog up till now, you can probably recognize my typical self-talk. Sometimes reading a passage of a "self-help" book can cause a bout of depression.

Daring Greatly has been a little bit of an emotional roller-coaster but not really, because it's been more up than down. Hopefully it's one that ends higher than it started, although I do suspect it will based on what I've already learned.

Again, more to come.

here comes the sun, and I say it's all right

Monday, 01/25/16, 9:38pm

I am going through some serious personal growth right now, in large part due to reading this book (Daring Greatly by Brené Brown as discussed in some introductory detail here). I have only gotten about halfway through the book (at this rate I'll finish it during the afternoon before book club - Yikes!!), but check it out:

Yup, I'm being so nerdy academic about it, taking notes and copying quotes onto index cards. I love them though. And although I'm only halfway through, I think I have at least 3 topics that I really want to delve into in future blog posts. Topics that I need to delve deeper into as part of my personal growth. I don't want to go any further now, because my thoughts are so jumbled right now and I want to finish the book before I reflect fully.

But. One thing I will say, I keep reaffirming as I read that blogging is a wonderful, healthy, therapeutic, self-loving, self-healing discovery for me. I'm hooked.

choosing to dare greatly

Sunday, 01/24/16, 2:55pm

I have book club this coming Wednesday, and I've been quite lax in starting to read this book. We're reading Daring Greatly, by Brené Brown.

I guess this book belongs in the "self-help" category, which tends to scare me. I usually feel that a self-help book is typically written for the general public, but I tend to think that I need special self-help because of my depression. Things don't work the same for me as they do for other people. I think this fear that this book will make my depression worse has made me afraid to open it. And maybe I'm here blogging because I'm still afraid of that. I had a similar feeling about a really good book I read (most of) earlier this fall, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar, by Cheryl Strayed. That one I've had trouble reading it logistically since I've been getting it from the library, both in paper and electronically, and I also avoid reading it because it's emotionally "heavy" as I call it. I should really just buy it like I finally did with Daring Greatly.

I haven't read much yet of Brené Brown's book, but I've read the Introduction and watched both of her TED talks (watch this one first, then this one) so far. Her TED talks were so inspiring and emotional for me, because her biggest message so far, I take to heart very deeply. The tag line on the book reads "How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead". I highly recommend watching her TED talks, especially that first one.

What I've already discovered and what made me reflect strongly on my life the last 6 months or so, I believe I've been finding myself (part of the reason I quit my job in August) and have found on my own that vulnerability, opening yourself up to others, exactly what I've been doing here in my blog, is the key to living life "whole-heartedly" as Brené puts it. The other thing I already love about her, this idea of how important vulnerability is, is based on years of research, thousands of stories. I'm a data gal, so that also speaks to me. 

Anyway, it got me thinking a lot about my blog. This amazing therapy the blog provides for me is based on me being vulnerable to others. That's exactly what I've been doing, it's been liberating, and many of those I've shared with have responded. Friends and family appreciate me sharing my experiences and struggles with them, but then those who suffer themselves from depression or anxiety have shared with me in turn. I feel so honored that friends have told me about their own struggles and their own shame around it. I wish I could take away all their sufferings, but my blog validates their own struggles and gives them a reminder that they don't suffer alone. What a strong and supportive conclusion to come to after two people have become vulnerable in their relationship with eachother. My blog is bringing me closer to those around me. Brené Brown talks about the concept of vulnerability being "exquisite" rather than "excruciating". My blog has most definitely taught me that. 

It is exquisite to be vulnerable to others and allow them to love and support you in turn. 

I suppose I should quit procrastinating and start reading. I expect that this book will inspire several more blog posts, and I'm excited to talk about it at book club. I don't think I can talk about this book without telling my book club about my depression and my own vulnerability with my blog. It might be emotional and might trigger a bit of depression, but. I'm going to prepare myself for that possibility, and keep doing fabulous things for myself that help me there.

Speaking of which, I went for a run today. It was good but I wore a non-breathable jacket. It's a cycling jacket and I wasn't thinking. Of course you want non-breathable when you're cycling in the cold and wind, but that's not what you want for a day like today, like 40deg F and sunny. Ah, I love Colorado. But thinking about my friends on the east coast getting snowed in. I had some fun with taking pictures, while running. :)

Ok, really it's time to stop procrastinating. I have a lot to read before book club in 3 days. Yikes.

and many times I've cried

Saturday, 01/23/16, 1:55pm

I hate my life. I hate my existence. At least sometimes. At least now.

I wish I was a stronger person. I wish I didn't get so angry sometimes. I wish I could take criticism constructively. I wish I was a better mother. I wish I was a better person.

I hate how my depression makes me feel sometimes. I guess this is just the depression? This is just my disease? It doesn't feel like a disease though. It just feels like reality. And that's how it is I guess. My depression provides for me this altered reality in which I'm just this shitty person that unfortunately exists. Man I really wish right now that I didn't exist.

I'm sick of this happening. Over. And over. And over again. I hate feeling like the scum of the earth and wishing that I didn't exist or wishing that I could just quit my life somehow, easily. It's not quite suicidal thoughts. It's close, it certainly sounds like it, but to me, there's a big difference. Suicidal thoughts is not just wishing that I didn't exist, it's wishing or wondering that I should make myself not exist.

You're just getting my unfiltered stream of depressed consciousness today, my dear blog. I guess I keep pouring that into you, hoping that by some magic, you'll just absorb it all and I won't feel like that anymore.

I was supposed to leave for a bike ride an hour ago. But I've lost that entire hour to my depression. God, I hate my depression. I started blogging hoping that I could get to a point where I could bike, and I still might get there I guess. I am doing better than I was at the beginning, so that's good, right?

I guess this day is still salvageable. I could still bike, maybe skip my upcoming friends get together this afternoon, but get to a point where I can be part of my family again? I'm at one of those cross roads right now. There's a part of my head that just wants to give in to the crying again, a part that wants to say screw the biking, I'm staying in bed all day. But there's a part of me that feels like maybe I don't need to. Maybe I can climb out of my hole. Going to try that now.

now I gotta cut loose, footloose

Friday, 01/22/16, 7:29am, 10:11am

I have a really hard time with criticism. I always have. I don't know what it is, but when, for example, Nasser has something critical to say about my parenting, my brain equates it to "I'm a shitty mother".

I've always had trouble with performance reviews at work too. Even when there's a slew of good comments, I focus on the "areas of improvement".

You know, it's really frustrating. It's not ok that everytime Nasser criticizes me I fall apart, I get depressed. But I also don't know how to stop it from happening. I don't know how to create a balanced thought in my head about the criticism. I just. I don't know how to take criticism. I guess that's why I work so hard to please everyone around me. I don't want the criticism.

It's so... I dunno... embarrassing to admit that I don't know how to take criticism. Shouldn't we all be ok at that? There's certainly a societal expectation that we should be.

I feel so grumpy and frustrated and mad and defensive and depressed. There's the part of me that really wishes I didn't exist because I'm such a shitty person. A shitty member of society. A shitty mother.

A little later, I'm doing better but feeling frustrated that I had to go and get moody yesterday when Nasser came home from his work trip. It was not a pleasant evening for anyone. I made a nice lactose free lasagna in honor of Nasser coming home, but RG and I were still arguing and neither kid was really interested in eating the lasagna. Too much like a casserole I guess... mixed ingredients. They prefer their foods separated. Nasser came home tired and probably disappointed that no one was in a good mood.

Now if I want the right outcome here, I should probably figure out a way to fix my mood, attitude, etc during the day today. Do productive and fun things with the kids today so they are in good moods when Nasser gets home. I can do that, right?

I'm blogging, that's a good way to start. I'm wearing exercise clothes, just need to actually get a workout in during the day. That's probably the most important thing for me to do. TK and I have already been somewhat productive in cleaning this morning and that tends to help my mood.

The last couple days I've gotten in a workout by throwing a "dance party" for me and TK. It's been really good. I put on a Pandora station, the last couple have been my David Bowie station and my Thriller station. Good songs with a good beat typically and fun to rock out to. And I've been doing lots of crazy dancing. TK joins for some of it but I try to dance the whole time, usually around 30 mins. Today I'm going to try and do more. Maybe add some time on the stationary bike as well. Or a run outside with TK biking. Lots of exercise + outdoor time = successful evening tonight? Maybe... Hopefully.

We're going to do everything we can to attempt it.

Wish me luck. And patience. And determination. And a positive attitude.