I'm the one at the sail, I'm the master of my sea

Thursday, 06/06/19, 12:01pm, 3:24pm; Friday, 06/07/19, 10:50am, 12:30pm

So yeah. Hi.

It's been, well, 4 and a half months since I've written. To be fair I wrote up a big portion of a post in March but then never finished it.

It's a weird feeling at the moment, typing a post. I've come to have no real clue how I feel about my blog anymore. My journey has brought me to feel much better about life lately, more confident, more capable at handling things. I mean I think it has. I tend to not really know how I feel about all that either.

That's strange, right? I'm more confident, but also less confident. But maybe that actually makes a lot of sense? It's all perspective I guess.

I've wondered, do I really want to share much about my emotional being anymore? Maybe not sharing as much is contributing some to feeling better. There is some strong proof for that. I haven't really "done" facebook in quite some time, like over a year. And it feels so healthy for me, and necessary to keep up how I'm doing. Maybe facebook, and to some extent my blog, were allowing me to seek external validation rather than doing it for myself. But I was maybe doing that because I didn't know how to validate myself. It's still really hard; I'm not claiming I'm good at that. But I've improved?

I've been refocusing on some things in my life. I'm focusing on being healthy- doing things for myself that keep me healthy (eating at least a little better, exercising, reading); I started volunteering more at the kids' school; I started doing lots of yardwork which feels productive, healthy, and satisfying; I'm paying more attention to my emotions and working on recognizing when things are slipping; since January, I started up with again and have finally (again) stuck with my choir; I'm starting to slightly think about the idea of looking for a job, or just fixing up that resume, with the strong feelings of no, I'm not ready and no, I'm not sure I want to, eh. I still get stressed plenty with the different things I'm doing, especially like with our crazy house remodel stuff this spring (all fixes and upgrades from our stupid leak/flood situation back in October).

Speaking of the house stuff... we are finally... complete. Like as of this morning (now yesterday, since I didn't finish this post yesterday, hah) when our painter was doing a couple last touch-ups on some things. We went through full master bathroom remodel which included knocking out a couple walls, new floor with a heating element underneath, custom built vanity and linen closet, fancy (we think) tile and finishes, huge nice tub. Hah. It's nice. Oh and new paint. And that's just the bathroom. The study which was destroyed had a few drywall patch ups, rewiring/etc for recessed lighting and ceiling fan, new paint, and new hickory flooring. That same hickory flooring also replaced the carpet on the stairs and through the entire upstairs (minus the bathrooms, one of which still needs a remodel). New baseboards in all those places and new paint in master bedroom, both kids rooms, and all those closets. It's a lot. And, well, expensive. Good thing insurance helped a teeny bit (in the overall scheme of things) and good thing we were able to sell some stock this spring. Here's a few before and after shots.

changed to:

So that's a nice change. :) Here's some of the other floor and paint changes as well.

study (new floor, new paint, new desks):

 master and TK's room (ours is the more muted blue; new floor and paint in both):

 RG's new room, was guest room (new floor and fancy new paint design) (he's excited):

We still have lots and lots of "moving back into" our house. So much stuff taken out of the study and upstairs bedrooms and closets. But we're trying to put things back mindfully, with only the things we actually care to keep. There's a lot to donate, but we still need to figure all that out.

Since I'm on a photo kick, here's a few more from the past few months. I did end up doing my half marathon in February (got all messed up bc my flight got cancelled which led to my whole trip getting cancelled, but I found a race locally instead). I'm also including pi day pie celebrations, boys making Chicago style pizza, RG's "guitar cafe" from a few weeks of learning guitar in music, skiing over spring break, field trip I volunteered for with TK's class, TK lost those front teeth, RG's 5th grade graduation, some running shots of the Bolder Boulder 10k (which our family ALL DID) (also includes some cousins and others we met up with at the end).

  

Like I said, photo kick.

The other thing to mention briefly is we are going on a big trip, real soon. On Tuesday the 18th we all fly to Chicago. We leave the boys with Nasser's mom for "Grandma camp extended", and Nasser and I fly to London (!). We take the train to Amsterdam to stay for 2 nights before meeting up with my choir for a week long Netherlands river cruise (!). We have 3 concerts along the way. :) Then we have ~10 days to figure out beyond that before we fly back to Chicago via London again. Heehee. I'm excited, nervous, and a bit anxious about the fact that we don't have all the details figured out. I'd like to at least have lodging decided beforehand. Planning the exact things to see in whatever locations isn't as big a deal to me. But yeah. It's pretty cool.

I think I'm going to publish this post before it becomes another draft that never gets completed. Until next time, which will be who knows when! ~~~~

it's true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you

Thursday, 01/24/19, 3:17pm

Hi.

Ummm, hey.

It's been a little while.

Well kinda a long while.

I think as time went longer since my last post, I found it harder and harder to come back.

Things are, well, going.

I'm actually doing pretty well right now. I finished that DBT course at the end of November, got excited about exercise again and have made it a priority each week since then, and I'm slowly learning how to incorporate some new skills in my life. It's certainly not perfect, and never will be, and to be totally fair, perfection is not possible for any of us. But it's... not too bad really. I've gotten my kiddos interested in "meditation". Probably a good couple times a week, when they're working on falling asleep, I'll talk them through an exercise. I talk them through some breathing, some imagery usually, and just some general good calming techniques. We've only done it at bedtime so far, but I really like that sometimes they request it. It's pretty cool to be honest.

For Christmas we drove to the Chicago area. Nasser and I are both from there. His immediate family is there, but I now only have extended family there. And of course, we both have quite a few friends there still. We were there for about a week, it was really nice and all, but a bit of a whirlwind, as it usually is. We did get to spend some really good quality time with Nasser's family, and some bits with some friends but definitely couldn't fit in everybody. The picture below was taken at the Chicago Botanic Gardens, by Nasser's mom, with a little enhancement I guess by Google. I totally love that the boys ended up in the background.

And just one more picture. Not perfect, and a bit blurry, but I caught some of the Chicago skyline outside the Shedd Aquarium. It makes me happy.

Somehow over the holidays I decided I would train for this half marathon. I've been registered for it for awhile. It all started with having registered for the Glacier National Park half marathon last June, which my three siblings and one brother-in-law ran. I didn't train, was in no shape to do it, was having foot problems, and so I didn't do it. I was able to transfer my registration to a different race, specifically the Zion National Park half marathon, which is one month from yesterday, Saturday February 23rd. I guess you could say I've been doing ok. I made out a little schedule for myself and did my longest run yet yesterday- 8.2 miles. I'm doing physical therapy every week to keep from getting injured, keeping up with some cross-training, and I'm trying not to get wrapped up into too high of expectations. I've been extremely surprised with how well it's all going.

Next week we have a contractor starting up with our bathroom remodel, finally. It's been a long and stressful process trying to find one we like, finalize our design, and get through choosing everything (which we have a lot of still). But it is happening and I really really can't wait to have it all finished.

This Sunday we are attending a Celebration of Life event. It's for the anesthesiologist/psychiatrist from the place I did ECT. The whole thing is really heartbreaking. He and the other psychiatrist started this practice, and this guy was diagnosed with cancer literally one month before dying. He was a really kind and calming person to be putting you to sleep prior to the seizure. You always knew you were in good hands. The event is expected to have a really large attendance.

And now I have no transition from that sad paragraph. But then, as usual, we are experiencing my jumping around train of though.

I've figured out something I really love about winter. RG and TK are now "grown up" enough that after school, when there's snow, I feel comfortable letting them outside for hours at a time while they sled, build sledding jumps, and make snowballs. Sometimes they're out there until it has gotten fully dark. They like going to the slope across the other side of the greenbelt lawn, but even when they're there I can make them out from the back window. Usually when it gets dark though, they hang out just to the side of our house (see pic below) where there is a very small slope. When they come home, their stuff is soaked, they stink, and often they have dragged into the garage some huge "snowballs" in the sleds that they want to save. In December there was even a time when they put snowballs into plastic bags and stored them in the freezer for a few weeks.

(You know what? I love having a post that's mostly good things.)

Oh and, going back to the exercise discussion, I am suddenly doing an "indoor triathlon" this Sunday. One of my sisters was signed up for it but has been having knee issues, so when she asked if anyone wanted her spot, for some reason I said yes. Hah. It should be ok though. It's all in a gym. And it's based on time. So they throw you in the pool for 10 minutes, give you a 10 minute transition, you go on a stationary bike for 30 minutes, 5 minute transition, then 20 minutes on a treadmill. And they just track your distance on each segment and you get points based on that. We'll see. I would be a bit happier with like 20 minutes in the pool and less of the others.

One more thing. I promise. I really will stop bragging/sharing/whatever this is. I am yet again trying to be in my choir. I'm really excited about it, again. And this time, I really hope it sticks. Our upcoming March concert is Mardi Gras music, aka New Orleans Jazz music. I think it's going to be amazingly awesome.

Well, perhaps when I next post I'll be able to update on my half marathon. Which hopefully happens. And I hopefully don't kill my body in trying to make it happen.

insanity laughs under pressure we're breaking, can't we give ourselves one more chance

Friday, 11/04/16, 8:30am

I have limited time this morning, and I had several things on the agenda, but here I am blogging instead. Hopefully that ends up being a right decision. And I say "a" right decision, not "the" because I think I've always felt that multiple decisions in life could be right.

What I mean is, for example, when I was considering college, I felt that I could get a similar experience at multiple schools. For me, I never had to go "visit colleges" because I felt that there were many similar options and it would be too difficult to narrow down such similar places and then agonize over which school was "the right one". Plus, for me, I had one very obvious choice that I was gonna go through with. I lived in Illinois, so clearly the in state schools were going to be the best financial options. The University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign was great for engineering, which I was planning on pursuing, my siblings had all gone there and had great experiences, it was close but not too close to home, plus my brother would be there in his senior year, during my freshman year. And even though I really liked Madison, and the campus there, and there were some things I really liked about Wisconsin, I was too lazy to find scholarships to make it a good financial choice. And I don't believe that the education would have been significantly different, I'm so happy with the experiences I got at U of I, and I love the friendships I made that I wouldn't trade a single thing. But I do believe if I had gone with a different school, my experiences would have been just as "one of a kind" and special that I wouldn't trade anything there. There were many "right" options there, and so I wouldn't agonize over those.

I think I do agonize over things that have happened in my life more recently. I need to remember that had my life gone differently, there certainly would have been other challenges that wouldn't make that alternate universe life any better. And I love the big things in my life as it is. My children, Nasser, my friends and family.

So, not to quickly change topics, but I will anyway. I'm on this fantastically supportive and motivating group on facebook called MRTT (Moms Run This Town). It's a running group. :) One of the moderators of the group (in our local chapter, I don't follow any national one, but there are these groups all over the place), who I know in real life, and she is an amazing person, posted about having seen the movie, Embrace. You should watch the trailer, people, right now, here. Also I keep re-watching it, over and over this morning, and keep crying at the end. Watch it, even if you feel like you don't want to cry right now. It was tears of joy.

I have to figure out how and when I can see this movie, which I'm currently finding here. And yes, there is a screening coming up in my area that I might be able to make work and has availability, sa-weeeet. Mental note, must decide and buy tickets, like today. Haha.

My friend's post on the running group was an inspiration she had from watching this movie. She asked us to "tell us something that your body has enabled you to do that brings a huge smile to your face, something you are proud of!"

I responded that first off, my body birthed two children. And then I talked about these accomplishments from over the summer. I reposted this picture,

which for me really reminds me of how I felt after the Olympic triathlon, full of joy, and in tears over the feeling of my accomplishment. At the simple completion. Not over how great I felt or how awesomely I did, because I did not have much confidence in either at the time, but the pride in what my body did.

My friend, in her response, reminded me of what my body continues to do with regards especially to my children, in "feeding them, holding them, loving them". I did and do all that too. :)

It's good to feel pride in our accomplishments, whether they be of the body, or of the mind. I suppose that though it feels I haven't done much since those summer athletic accomplishments (which is totally NOT truly, Alisa, like remember the runs, the bike rides, the 14er attempt?), I've also made some mind accomplishments in blogging, in learning the right ways for me to reach out for support, and in mindfulness. I've switched medications which was and still is a challenge.

We're always making accomplishments with our minds and bodies, especially when we become more mindful and focused, but it's also good to recognize them, big or small, and remind ourselves of them when we're feeling low.

I've been taking a variety of photos the last few days. And I will finish with this random assortment.

morning sunrise

quality Buddy time, petting in the sunlight

I made pumpkin bread, in the crockpot. 

didn't work that well, overdone on the outside, because I cooked it so long 

to complete cooking of the middle. RG said he doesn't like this one as much. 

oh well, such are experiments.

I made whipped cream, to go with the pumpkin bread I guess?

hmmm, I've been forgetting about that existing in the fridge...

the Cubbies won the World Series, you guys. for the first time in 108 years. woah.

I love seeing one of our Cubs fans neighbors' pride on the way to/from our park/busstop.

(I say one of our Cubs fans neighbors because we have several...)

TK and I were making a list for the day. I wrote the stuff we "needed" to do, 

he wrote the stuff he wanted to do. I think we accomplished everything he wrote.

ah, I changed the sheets on our bed to comfy flannel sheets, because the nights have been cold.

also, Buddy the cat, may have felt a little trapped while I was making the bed.

a bunch of shots of my TK buddy from yesterday. he was dancing to snoopy music videos, biking with me running, and playing at the park. although my mood wasn't up to par yesterday, we did a lot. 

up and down, and in the end it's only round and round and round

Friday, 07/29/16, 9:31am

I'm doing better than I was yesterday and the day before. I did get a short run in yesterday afternoon while the boys were on their bikes. Might be aiming for that again today. Maybe we'll have a dance party with some 80's music too. Those things help me.

Yesterday, despite having a really successful afternoon with the boys (with the aforesaid running/biking as well as some mini-pool time), I was never fully recovered. OK, I have to take a second to share some pictures and videos of the afternoon.

I relaxed in a camping chair, with some cold water, while the boys set up a water slide

Still wasn't perfectly easy to function, but I was trying my damnedest

We had to make some repairs prior to filling up the pool, as well as during. 

As of this morning, the pool is still about halfway full so I guess we did a good job!

They had fun, and that helped my mood more than anything else. It was fun, it was enriching fun, which maybe Minecraft is in its own way. Nasser recently found some data showing that video games, where they require creativity and imagination, are more enriching to children than television shows. (I would normally now link to the article explaining this, because I think backing up what you say is very important, however, I can't find that exact study at the moment. Will post in comments if I ever come across it.) I'm finding that there really are a lot of benefits to video games, in both what I read as well as what I see in my kids. They play Minecraft together, cooperatively. They learn to play cooperatively in larger groups when they play Minecraft with friends and family. They often play with Nasser, which I think is a key benefit. It is time spent together, they talk most of the time about what they're doing and strategies, and Nasser can help guide them to keep it beneficial.

And it's not like they spend all their time playing video games. They are often playing, however, when I'm blogging. Or showering. This summer, I've allowed it more than I would like to in the long term. However, 1. it is summer and I do believe that enjoyment of the summer is important. 2. Their uncle died at the beginning of the summer. We're still dealing with that and recovering from it. I don't feel that I need to justify myself further. And I'm not really justifying to you, the reader. Perhaps to some extent. But I'm also justifying to myself. Because I carry a lot of guilt and shame over the amount of screen time they get sometimes.

Being in a depressive episode, like I was yesterday, I definitely allow more screens. Because I want to hide upstairs and not have the kids try to find me and demand things from me. I don't want them seeing me when I'm sobbing over the thoughts that are going through my head.

Yesterday I put out a slight plea to facebook for some love. Just a little "can I have some virtual hugs today?" kind of thing. Many many of my friends and family responded with love. It was nice and it was something that helped yesterday. It didn't make me totally recovered, other people really don't have that affect when I'm truly depressed, but it helped. I said the other day that I felt like I was in a deep hole and couldn't see which way was up. It was like that most of the day yesterday.

Honestly, I had one big goal yesterday, and that was keeping the suicidal, totally hopeless and helpless thoughts away. I succeeded, without the need for Nasser coming home or someone coming over and taking over care for the kids. Because, yeah, some days, those thoughts are right below the surface, and if I'm not careful, they will consume me. I don't write this to scare anyone, and I hope it doesn't (please remember right now I'm doing rather well and not depressed in any way). I write it to share what I think is actually somewhat common with major depression. Maybe? For me, it's not that uncommon, to at least fall into the hopeless thoughts, for when I'm in a depressive episode. It's not how I feel all the time, and I do think that I have more good, happy moments in my life, than depressed.

I am starting up some mood tracking again. I think that I unofficially do it with the blog, since I'm often writing and I often write about my mood. :) But I wanted something where I could easily graph the results and get an idea of the overall trend. It's something I plan to show my doctor once I have some data to say, do we still think I'm doing the right things or am I worse than we thought? I've only tracked a handful of times, although I did track several times yesterday. The entry for today is just about the opposite of yesterday's.

We're keeping today fairly low key again. Although we might make a trip to Target for some groceries, as well as some shopping with some gift cards the boys received for their birthdays.

Lots of love to all my readers. I hope today is fine for you, as I hope it will be for me.