Tuesday, 02/27/18, 12:56pm, 2:14pm
Hey there.
The last time I wrote a blog post was just over a month ago. Literally. Friday, 01/26/18. And... this past month has been, well, a bit of a change, I'd say. And I guess there's a bit to catch you up on.
The week after that last post, I ended up doing a "burst" of treatment, so I ended up with ECT Monday, Wednesday, and Friday that week. That week, I felt like a bit of a failure, but the burst was important for stabilizing me. I felt, like, working hard for a bit after that, then at some point in the couple weeks after that burst, I realized I was doing quite a bit better. I took some rather big enjoyment out of a ski trip we did 2 weekends ago to Crested Butte, Colorado, along with several other families. It was nice. Then last Tuesday, after the trip, I had probably my most productive, busy day in a really long time. I had a therapy appointment in the morning, went swimming at the Y right after, quickly rushed to my dentist appointment right after that, had lunch with Nasser next, then went to our ski boot-fitter place to get my boots adjusted a bit, rushed to get gas in my car and do a quick grocery trip, all just barely in time to make it home and get to the bus stop in time. Another big milestone was this was my very first true grocery trip in a really, really long time, like probably since before starting ECT last June. Let that sink in a minute. I bought real food this time, things like raw meat and vegetables for cooking real dinners. Then, that evening, I COOKED dinner, again probably the first time I did so since before starting ECT last June. Honestly, last Tuesday, I went through all these activities rather well, surprisingly easily, but I was totally shocked that this happened, that I accomplished so much.
Last Wednesday, I had treatment, and I was in a fantastic mood telling my nurse and doctor about how well I was doing and how well I felt. My doctor and I talked about this mood stabilizer I'm on, the one I finally reached the "therapeutic dosage" on February 8, got my blood work on the 15th to measure the levels of this med in my blood, and so we discussed the levels. Apparently I metabolize this med rather quickly, because we knew that with the first blood work, but strangely, at twice the med dosage, I'm less than double the levels in my blood. But I am now in the therapeutic range, so it probably does make sense that I'm doing better. I even have the option of upping the med a little further, like that dosage is still safe. We decided to skip treatment this week, and I'm going next Monday.
It's weird, the whole "feeling better" thing. Like, I've been very cautious about it, a bit worried that any second I'm going to come crashing down. But the other thing is, like, I've been using this mood tracking app, "Daylio" (maybe I've mentioned it before), and I've been super good about using it since starting ECT. Well, here's the thing: there's an enormous difference between this month and last month. January, I was mostly "meh" (the middle rating), with some "good", but quite a few in the "fugly" and "awful" ranges (the lower 2 ratings). This month, I've been mostly "good", with some "meh", and 1 "awful" (no "fugly"). It's nice to have some data to back things up.
My therapist today talked about tapping in to the appreciation thing as often as possible, instead of worrying about the crashing down thing as much. She was concerned that if I let myself get carried away with worrying, I could even bring on the depression that way. We talked about getting into the habit of coming up with 2 things I'm grateful for during a lot of the more simple, mundane activities, like going grocery shopping, picking up my kids from the bus, etc. Cuz I did do a lot of appreciating with last week's grocery run, but getting into the habit of it that way will keep it going, maybe as I fall into some kind of "normal" at some point.
So today, TK is home sick from school, and Nasser is working from home today to help out, so I could keep my therapy appointment this morning, and he didn't mind the opportunity to play some of his new video game in between meetings. TK actually threw up yesterday afternoon, just a little bit after coming home from school. It made for a kinda busy and stressful afternoon, between cleaning up the mess, since it happened on the couch, without any bucket since we weren't exactly prepared for it, getting him everything he needed to feel comfortable and safe, etc, trying to figure out if we'd make any possibility for dinner since he didn't throw up again for some time, not until I tried giving him a little packet of applesauce, which he downed just fine, but then threw up (luckily in the little bucket this time) just before sitting down to eat some soup. It all was fine, and really, at no point did I freak out. I felt like this new state I'm in these days can handle stress a lot better than before, which by the way, is so incredibly fantastic a feeling. Late yesterday evening, TK decided he was really hungry, ate a bunch of saltines and the soup, sat on the couch for a bit, then decided he wanted to sleep on the couch. We set it all up for him, put the bucket nearby, and despite my worries that he'd throw up all that dinner, he made it all night and has been good today, just you know, spending a lot of time watching things on TV/YouTube/etc.
Poor RG didn't like the idea of having to go to school today with his brother at home. When he woke up, he was convinced he was sick too, then was really disappointed when he couldn't prove it with the thermometer. We had a big discussion about school, and how hard he thinks it is, and I, being the great parent I am, went into how "you know, it's only just going to get harder, like with high school, and then college!" and then I pulled out some old college textbooks, and even a high school one- Calculus- that we had on a bookshelf in our study. It turned out to be a good way to calm him down because he couldn't believe I had a college textbook that was 927 pages long, and he was shocked that in the front cover of the Calculus book which showed some basic principles, he didn't understand any of it (!). We enjoyed trying to explain to him how a(b + c)=ab +ac. Anyway, he was totally willing to walk to the bus when it came time, and gave me some snuggly hugs before it.
Well, anyway, the point of this post is really to tell you all how much better I'm feeling, also how I really hope this does last, and how I'm going to try my damnedest to make it last.
I love you all, I greatly appreciate all the support I've been given, throughout ECT, throughout the extent of this damn illness, and really my whole crazy life. I will try harder to write more consistently now too.
