Oh, blog, it's been awhile. There's all this emotional stuff that's been going on that I need to catch you up on, and updates with my psychiatric care, and fun, exciting things we did over the last two weekends (both involving skiing).
Let's see, where to start? My TMS treatments got extended by a week, so I'm now in my 7th and final week. We've seen some minor improvements with TMS, but I'm not where the doctor would like to see me. Many weeks ago, he had told me about the process of getting better and how the bad days will get further apart, but the lows will still be as low. Then as you start to get better even more, those lows won't go as low. Well, maybe the bad days have gotten further apart, although that certainly hasn't been true for the past week, but those lows still hit just as hard. And it really does make it difficult to function. Nasser has had to be home yesterday and today to drive me to TMS (honestly, I haven't felt safe to drive) and help with the kids (because I've been able to do very little). I can't quite believe I'm going to spend the little energy I have on blogging today, but I felt drawn to.
The next big thing starts next week, actually a week from today, but we'll get there in a minute. I did leave my doctor's appointment this morning with a prescription for a drug than can really help with fatigue/productivity/etc. It's not actually an antidepressant, and it's a stimulant, but it seems to have some benefit for patients with depression. It's something that has immediate effects, and thereby can maybe really help me this week. I couldn't try it today, since it's similar to caffeine, etc and would keep me awake at night if I have it too late in the day. I'm hopeful for good results tomorrow, but we have backup plans in place if I cannot, yet again, drive myself to my TMS treatment. We'll see.
So next week, Tuesday, I have an hour appointment scheduled with the TMS doctor to try another new drug. This one I've been hearing about its effects on depression for a few years now, but it's completely surreal to be scheduled to try it in a week. The drug I'm talking about is... ketamine, which is used regularly as a cheap anesthetic.
From WebMD:
Ketamine has a reputation as an illicit party drug due to its hallucinogenic effects. But in a handful of ketamine clinics around the country, people who weren't helped by standard treatments are getting a series of infusions to ease their depression. The drug has also been used in emergency rooms for curbing suicidal thoughts, making it a potential lifesaver.
“The benefits I’ve seen are pretty impressive, and the data are very strong,” says psychiatrist Kyle Lapidus, MD, PhD. He's an assistant professor of psychiatry and neuroscience at Stony Brook University. Lapidus says there have been a large number of positive studies, though the number of participants in those studies has been small.
Ketamine acts quickly -- often within hours or less -- and health care professionals who give it to patients at therapeutic doses say it has mild and brief side effects in most people. But it hasn't been thoroughly studied for long-term safety and effectiveness, and the FDA hasn't approved it to treat depression. “The pace of research can be slow for people who are suffering,” Lapidus says.
He says it’s not uncommon for doctors to go "off-label" (using a drug for a purpose other than its approved one) when treating patients. And in the case of ketamine, the research, including his own, has convinced him that it can help depressed patients. Lapidus runs a Manhattan clinic called US Ketamine. Soon, he will open a second clinic on Long Island.
So the way I'm going to try it is with a nasal spray. Sounds so nice and simple, right? The first time I try it, next Tuesday morning, will be in the doctor's office. I have to stay for about an hour since that's how long I'll be "intoxicated". I could drive myself home if I waited another hour, but we decided Nasser will just come with me and be my ride. Apparently the antidepressant effects last 24-72 hours, at which point, I'd administer the nasal spray again, this time at home, and just lay on the couch for an hour while I feel loopy. Haha. I'm so excited to try this.
So as WebMD mentions, it is considered "off-label" use to use ketamine for depression. However, from what I understand of it, most likely the reason it hasn't been thoroughly studied is because the pharmaceutical companies have no incentive to study ketamine as it's past its patent-able period. They can't patent it so why would they spend the enormous amounts of money for a large-scale clinical study. But unfortunately that is how healthcare is in our country- everything's a bussiness where it's mostly about the bottom line. And here this is coming from a mechanical engineer who has chosen to work for medical device companies. I've gotten rather jaded in being on the patient end of mental healthcare. (It fucking sucks).
I could go on and on about how mental healthcare isn't a priority in our country, despite all the pro-gun people spouting off with every mass shooting that "oh it's the mental illnes." If you really cared about mental illness, you wouldn't have put forth a healthcare bill that no longer required mental health to be covered. FUCK them all.
Ok, stepping off the soapbox to tell you about skiing. Last week was spring break. The first weekend we had a lovely friends trip in the mountains for some skiing, sans kids thanks to my amazing sister and family. Then one of the friends who flew in for the trip stayed a couple extra days. The day after she left, we headed back up to the mountains for another ski trip, this time with family.
I suppose we had simply planned too much in too little of time. I didn't get enough sleep for more than a week straight. And constantly being social is not possible with my depression. It just isn't. Or at least that's what I've realized after this past week. I need the downtime, I need to be able to go to sleep at 8:30 once or twice a week, I need to not be around people constantly. Sigh. I'm needy.
So from the friends trip, I've gotta share some pics.
(clearly I couldn't handle the bright sun)
Then we have pictures from the following weekend, with family. Same mountain, and even the houses we were staying in were actually rather near eachother. I took a lot of pictures of the mountains on the drive up in twilight.
(the cousins really enjoyed the bunk room)
(this was the first time we took our kids up Mary Jane in Winter Park. big deal for them)
I really wish that all these happy photos were a real representation of how I've been doing. But I'm not there yet. Unfortunately it's been something like 5 of the past 7 days have been bad, shitty days. And that's been hard to deal with, hard to accept, and hard to move past. I feel stuck in this hole, unable to find a way out. I really wish sometimes that depression was something you could just "suck it up" or "get over it" just like that. It isn't. I'm going to ask you all to read a quora answer that Nasser sent me recently, answering the question "Why do people suffering from depression always call their struggle a battle? What exactly are they battling?" The top answer, from Ellen Vrana, is phenomenal.
I'll leave it here for tonight. I'm exhausted (it's 8:46, past my bedtime), and I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow. But I can't just hope, I gotta get myself to bed soon and take that new medication in the morning.
