Tuesday, 02/27/18, 12:56pm, 2:14pm
Hey there.
The last time I wrote a blog post was just over a month ago. Literally. Friday, 01/26/18. And... this past month has been, well, a bit of a change, I'd say. And I guess there's a bit to catch you up on.
The week after that last post, I ended up doing a "burst" of treatment, so I ended up with ECT Monday, Wednesday, and Friday that week. That week, I felt like a bit of a failure, but the burst was important for stabilizing me. I felt, like, working hard for a bit after that, then at some point in the couple weeks after that burst, I realized I was doing quite a bit better. I took some rather big enjoyment out of a ski trip we did 2 weekends ago to Crested Butte, Colorado, along with several other families. It was nice. Then last Tuesday, after the trip, I had probably my most productive, busy day in a really long time. I had a therapy appointment in the morning, went swimming at the Y right after, quickly rushed to my dentist appointment right after that, had lunch with Nasser next, then went to our ski boot-fitter place to get my boots adjusted a bit, rushed to get gas in my car and do a quick grocery trip, all just barely in time to make it home and get to the bus stop in time. Another big milestone was this was my very first true grocery trip in a really, really long time, like probably since before starting ECT last June. Let that sink in a minute. I bought real food this time, things like raw meat and vegetables for cooking real dinners. Then, that evening, I COOKED dinner, again probably the first time I did so since before starting ECT last June. Honestly, last Tuesday, I went through all these activities rather well, surprisingly easily, but I was totally shocked that this happened, that I accomplished so much.
Last Wednesday, I had treatment, and I was in a fantastic mood telling my nurse and doctor about how well I was doing and how well I felt. My doctor and I talked about this mood stabilizer I'm on, the one I finally reached the "therapeutic dosage" on February 8, got my blood work on the 15th to measure the levels of this med in my blood, and so we discussed the levels. Apparently I metabolize this med rather quickly, because we knew that with the first blood work, but strangely, at twice the med dosage, I'm less than double the levels in my blood. But I am now in the therapeutic range, so it probably does make sense that I'm doing better. I even have the option of upping the med a little further, like that dosage is still safe. We decided to skip treatment this week, and I'm going next Monday.
It's weird, the whole "feeling better" thing. Like, I've been very cautious about it, a bit worried that any second I'm going to come crashing down. But the other thing is, like, I've been using this mood tracking app, "Daylio" (maybe I've mentioned it before), and I've been super good about using it since starting ECT. Well, here's the thing: there's an enormous difference between this month and last month. January, I was mostly "meh" (the middle rating), with some "good", but quite a few in the "fugly" and "awful" ranges (the lower 2 ratings). This month, I've been mostly "good", with some "meh", and 1 "awful" (no "fugly"). It's nice to have some data to back things up.
My therapist today talked about tapping in to the appreciation thing as often as possible, instead of worrying about the crashing down thing as much. She was concerned that if I let myself get carried away with worrying, I could even bring on the depression that way. We talked about getting into the habit of coming up with 2 things I'm grateful for during a lot of the more simple, mundane activities, like going grocery shopping, picking up my kids from the bus, etc. Cuz I did do a lot of appreciating with last week's grocery run, but getting into the habit of it that way will keep it going, maybe as I fall into some kind of "normal" at some point.
So today, TK is home sick from school, and Nasser is working from home today to help out, so I could keep my therapy appointment this morning, and he didn't mind the opportunity to play some of his new video game in between meetings. TK actually threw up yesterday afternoon, just a little bit after coming home from school. It made for a kinda busy and stressful afternoon, between cleaning up the mess, since it happened on the couch, without any bucket since we weren't exactly prepared for it, getting him everything he needed to feel comfortable and safe, etc, trying to figure out if we'd make any possibility for dinner since he didn't throw up again for some time, not until I tried giving him a little packet of applesauce, which he downed just fine, but then threw up (luckily in the little bucket this time) just before sitting down to eat some soup. It all was fine, and really, at no point did I freak out. I felt like this new state I'm in these days can handle stress a lot better than before, which by the way, is so incredibly fantastic a feeling. Late yesterday evening, TK decided he was really hungry, ate a bunch of saltines and the soup, sat on the couch for a bit, then decided he wanted to sleep on the couch. We set it all up for him, put the bucket nearby, and despite my worries that he'd throw up all that dinner, he made it all night and has been good today, just you know, spending a lot of time watching things on TV/YouTube/etc.
Poor RG didn't like the idea of having to go to school today with his brother at home. When he woke up, he was convinced he was sick too, then was really disappointed when he couldn't prove it with the thermometer. We had a big discussion about school, and how hard he thinks it is, and I, being the great parent I am, went into how "you know, it's only just going to get harder, like with high school, and then college!" and then I pulled out some old college textbooks, and even a high school one- Calculus- that we had on a bookshelf in our study. It turned out to be a good way to calm him down because he couldn't believe I had a college textbook that was 927 pages long, and he was shocked that in the front cover of the Calculus book which showed some basic principles, he didn't understand any of it (!). We enjoyed trying to explain to him how a(b + c)=ab +ac. Anyway, he was totally willing to walk to the bus when it came time, and gave me some snuggly hugs before it.
Well, anyway, the point of this post is really to tell you all how much better I'm feeling, also how I really hope this does last, and how I'm going to try my damnedest to make it last.
I love you all, I greatly appreciate all the support I've been given, throughout ECT, throughout the extent of this damn illness, and really my whole crazy life. I will try harder to write more consistently now too.
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
Friday, January 26, 2018
I took the turn and turned to begin a new beginning, still looking for the answer I cannot find the finish
Friday, 01/26/18, 7:31am, 9:07am
So you know I've been on this 8 week, now 10 week journey of ramping up the dosage of this new medication. This mood stabilizer for bi-polar, because maybe I'm actually bi-polar type II, aka "unipolar depression", which conveniently looks just like depression. I hit the "therapeutic dosage" at the 8 week mark, so 2 weeks ago, then a week later got some blood drawn so they could measure the levels in my blood. Turns out I do actually metabolize this drug quickly and the levels are low. Lower than the lowest accepted level of therapeutic. So in my appointment yesterday with the ECT psychiatrist (who originally prescribed this med), he gave us a plan to up the dosage, like double it actually. And luckily, now that I'm at as high of a dosage as I am, we can ramp up a bit quicker. So, you know, we'll see.
Recently, the ECT caregiver therapist who Nasser sees recommended we look into this DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) intensive outpatient program that they have at the local hospital. It sounds a bit overwhelming- they meet for 3 hours, 3x a week, for 9 weeks. And of course, they meet M/W/F, which are the same days that ECT treatments are offered. So the days that I'd have both would be tough, logistically. I spoke with my therapist about it yesterday, and she had a lot of concerns over how intense the program is. We both had concerns over the fact that I'm still having a lot of trouble with my memory. I spent some time looking at some other DBT programs offered at other places in the area... I currently have 5 different tabs open on my Chromebook for various programs in the "area"; however most of them are a decent drive away.
I've been trying, at least a little bit, or however much I feel able with my depression always standing in the way, to look into methods of mindfulness or ways to encourage myself to practice it more. Cuz, yeah, I have heard plenty of how useful and helpful mindfulness is with mental illness, and yet, I can't seem to get myself to practice it regularly, or even often. (I have 6 tabs about mindfulness and methods of mindfulness open on my Chromebook currently, and I downloaded yet another app on my phone for it. Maybe one of these things will finally work.)
At various points over the last couple years, I've found interest in Quora, and in particular, the questions and answers about mental illness. There are certainly always the ones that are simply trolls, or the answers that are just mean and jerk people. I've been getting emails from Quora over the last week, over and over about the same question- "What cured your depression?" And I really haven't wanted to open it because I mean really, what would I answer if I tried? "Well, I'm not cured yet, after trying this ridiculously long list of things."??? But this morning I finally opened it, found a couple annoying answers, but found one that linked to an amazing answer to a slightly different question- "What is depression?" Not sure if I've ever read it before, or ever linked to it before, but I'm linking to it now, because EVERYONE should read this.
(Also, I know that everything I've typed so far has been rather disjointed, but that's just kinda how my thoughts are lately. So you'll just have to deal with it.)
I did appreciate this quote on the white board in the ECT office yesterday, so I'm sharing it.
I will try to appreciate that strength that supposedly or maybe I have.
So you know I've been on this 8 week, now 10 week journey of ramping up the dosage of this new medication. This mood stabilizer for bi-polar, because maybe I'm actually bi-polar type II, aka "unipolar depression", which conveniently looks just like depression. I hit the "therapeutic dosage" at the 8 week mark, so 2 weeks ago, then a week later got some blood drawn so they could measure the levels in my blood. Turns out I do actually metabolize this drug quickly and the levels are low. Lower than the lowest accepted level of therapeutic. So in my appointment yesterday with the ECT psychiatrist (who originally prescribed this med), he gave us a plan to up the dosage, like double it actually. And luckily, now that I'm at as high of a dosage as I am, we can ramp up a bit quicker. So, you know, we'll see.
Recently, the ECT caregiver therapist who Nasser sees recommended we look into this DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) intensive outpatient program that they have at the local hospital. It sounds a bit overwhelming- they meet for 3 hours, 3x a week, for 9 weeks. And of course, they meet M/W/F, which are the same days that ECT treatments are offered. So the days that I'd have both would be tough, logistically. I spoke with my therapist about it yesterday, and she had a lot of concerns over how intense the program is. We both had concerns over the fact that I'm still having a lot of trouble with my memory. I spent some time looking at some other DBT programs offered at other places in the area... I currently have 5 different tabs open on my Chromebook for various programs in the "area"; however most of them are a decent drive away.
I've been trying, at least a little bit, or however much I feel able with my depression always standing in the way, to look into methods of mindfulness or ways to encourage myself to practice it more. Cuz, yeah, I have heard plenty of how useful and helpful mindfulness is with mental illness, and yet, I can't seem to get myself to practice it regularly, or even often. (I have 6 tabs about mindfulness and methods of mindfulness open on my Chromebook currently, and I downloaded yet another app on my phone for it. Maybe one of these things will finally work.)
At various points over the last couple years, I've found interest in Quora, and in particular, the questions and answers about mental illness. There are certainly always the ones that are simply trolls, or the answers that are just mean and jerk people. I've been getting emails from Quora over the last week, over and over about the same question- "What cured your depression?" And I really haven't wanted to open it because I mean really, what would I answer if I tried? "Well, I'm not cured yet, after trying this ridiculously long list of things."??? But this morning I finally opened it, found a couple annoying answers, but found one that linked to an amazing answer to a slightly different question- "What is depression?" Not sure if I've ever read it before, or ever linked to it before, but I'm linking to it now, because EVERYONE should read this.
(Also, I know that everything I've typed so far has been rather disjointed, but that's just kinda how my thoughts are lately. So you'll just have to deal with it.)
I did appreciate this quote on the white board in the ECT office yesterday, so I'm sharing it.
I will try to appreciate that strength that supposedly or maybe I have.
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
how come I end up where I started? how come I end up where I went wrong?
Wednesday, 01/24/18, 10:12am
It feels like I've been down a lot lately. I've had bits of "better", like Sunday, when Nasser and I played this board game, Splendor, just about all day long. Oh and we let the boys play video games most of that time, so they were happy as can be, but that doesn't rid me of all the horrid guilt feelings of what a terrible mother I am for doing that. Despite how happy it made me. Sigh.
I told Nasser this morning, "Why is it that I feel like I need to cry like 10 times a day????" I had a psychiatrist appointment yesterday morning (this is my psychiatrist I've been with since the beginning, like 8-9ish years ago? not the ECT psychiatrist). I walked in, with Nasser, to his office and he starts asking "so how are things going?" and I couldn't even begin to answer the question without starting to cry. After the appointment, I called up a friend to see if she was available to get together and started to cry in the first sentence or so.
It is like the most frustrating thing in the world, to me, that I've had this incredibly long, extensive mental health journey, trying unbelievably hard to get better, seeing as much progress as we did after starting electro-convulsive therapy last June and feeling so hopeful, and yet, I still feel like such a failure a lot, maybe most, of the time. I still blame myself for not being further along with the getting better process. I still see myself interact with my kids and hate myself for not doing things a million times better. I still look around at the house and blame myself for not being motivated enough to get simple things done, more often, more regularly, more consistently. And I know, some of this stuff is normal, some of this stuff everybody feels. But with me, all this stuff equates, in my head, to things like I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be alive. I don't deserve to be alive.
I question writing that here in my blog. Because admitting that kind of stuff is dangerous. It can make other people say "well you need to be in the hospital" or "well you shouldn't be in charge of your kids". Etc, etc, etc. And maybe this won't calm you down about that stuff, but in case it does, we really are handling it. I do recognize in myself when it's those self-blame, not wanting to be alive thoughts that are kinda habit thoughts at this point versus the ones that feel more dangerous. And I still know when to ask for more help. And I am still incredibly honest about all those things with Nasser, my most important support person in my life. And when I do go in for an ECT treatment, which is still rather often, I do fill out the questionnaire beforehand about how I'm doing and I talk with the nurses and my doctor before they put me under. Despite the fact that I'm not just locked away in a hospital, things are fairly regulated and controlled in my life.
Last week, I had treatment on Wednesday (so literally a week ago). And at the time, we decided that we'd wait until next week Monday for my next treatment, so almost 2 weeks. Because for awhile now I've been going once a week, and I've been wanting to spread them out more, probably because I feel like I "should". Now, this week, I'm questioning the judgement to skip this week. But then I'm also questioning whether or not ECT is really helping much anymore. I'm questioning whether or not anything I'm doing is helping.
Ugh, it all just sucks. Depression sucks. Mental illness sucks. Like really really really sucks. And if you don't have it, or don't know firsthand someone who has it, it's almost impossible for you to really understand that. So read my blog and try to empathize and try to understand it. Because understanding mental illness, at least a little bit, makes you a much, much, much better person. Just like how that's true with pretty much everything in life. Understanding something, and having the ability to empathize with what other people suffer in life, makes you so much better. Always.
Short post today, because I can't handle more right now. Right not I gotta attempt a workout (did I mention I'm trying really really hard to get this back into a daily habit thing???), maybe drop off some donation stuff to rid the house of some "too small" items from my children, and see if there's anything else "productive" I can manage. Cuz those things can often be good confidence boosters, and really, I need as much confidence as I can possibly get.
It feels like I've been down a lot lately. I've had bits of "better", like Sunday, when Nasser and I played this board game, Splendor, just about all day long. Oh and we let the boys play video games most of that time, so they were happy as can be, but that doesn't rid me of all the horrid guilt feelings of what a terrible mother I am for doing that. Despite how happy it made me. Sigh.
I told Nasser this morning, "Why is it that I feel like I need to cry like 10 times a day????" I had a psychiatrist appointment yesterday morning (this is my psychiatrist I've been with since the beginning, like 8-9ish years ago? not the ECT psychiatrist). I walked in, with Nasser, to his office and he starts asking "so how are things going?" and I couldn't even begin to answer the question without starting to cry. After the appointment, I called up a friend to see if she was available to get together and started to cry in the first sentence or so.
It is like the most frustrating thing in the world, to me, that I've had this incredibly long, extensive mental health journey, trying unbelievably hard to get better, seeing as much progress as we did after starting electro-convulsive therapy last June and feeling so hopeful, and yet, I still feel like such a failure a lot, maybe most, of the time. I still blame myself for not being further along with the getting better process. I still see myself interact with my kids and hate myself for not doing things a million times better. I still look around at the house and blame myself for not being motivated enough to get simple things done, more often, more regularly, more consistently. And I know, some of this stuff is normal, some of this stuff everybody feels. But with me, all this stuff equates, in my head, to things like I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be alive. I don't deserve to be alive.
I question writing that here in my blog. Because admitting that kind of stuff is dangerous. It can make other people say "well you need to be in the hospital" or "well you shouldn't be in charge of your kids". Etc, etc, etc. And maybe this won't calm you down about that stuff, but in case it does, we really are handling it. I do recognize in myself when it's those self-blame, not wanting to be alive thoughts that are kinda habit thoughts at this point versus the ones that feel more dangerous. And I still know when to ask for more help. And I am still incredibly honest about all those things with Nasser, my most important support person in my life. And when I do go in for an ECT treatment, which is still rather often, I do fill out the questionnaire beforehand about how I'm doing and I talk with the nurses and my doctor before they put me under. Despite the fact that I'm not just locked away in a hospital, things are fairly regulated and controlled in my life.
Last week, I had treatment on Wednesday (so literally a week ago). And at the time, we decided that we'd wait until next week Monday for my next treatment, so almost 2 weeks. Because for awhile now I've been going once a week, and I've been wanting to spread them out more, probably because I feel like I "should". Now, this week, I'm questioning the judgement to skip this week. But then I'm also questioning whether or not ECT is really helping much anymore. I'm questioning whether or not anything I'm doing is helping.
Ugh, it all just sucks. Depression sucks. Mental illness sucks. Like really really really sucks. And if you don't have it, or don't know firsthand someone who has it, it's almost impossible for you to really understand that. So read my blog and try to empathize and try to understand it. Because understanding mental illness, at least a little bit, makes you a much, much, much better person. Just like how that's true with pretty much everything in life. Understanding something, and having the ability to empathize with what other people suffer in life, makes you so much better. Always.
Short post today, because I can't handle more right now. Right not I gotta attempt a workout (did I mention I'm trying really really hard to get this back into a daily habit thing???), maybe drop off some donation stuff to rid the house of some "too small" items from my children, and see if there's anything else "productive" I can manage. Cuz those things can often be good confidence boosters, and really, I need as much confidence as I can possibly get.
Thursday, January 18, 2018
breathe, keep breathing, don't lose your nerve
Thursday, 01/18/18, 10:09am
It's been awhile since I last wrote a blog post. It's been over a month. And for me, that's a crazy long time.
I suppose there's several reasons I haven't written. There were the holidays which were certainly not on the easy side. At some point I felt like I couldn't remember what I'd written since starting ECT and I thought I had to re-read all of it. I still haven't accomplished that, but today I figured "what the hell?" And I've also been working on this new medication, ramping up process. So back at the beginning of December I talked about how we think I might be bipolar type II. And because of that, I've been trying a new mood stabilizer. Unfortunately it's been an 8-week process to get me to the therapeutic dosage. As Nasser put it at one point, it's been like I've been on nothing. We've been increasing the medication dosage a little bit every 2 weeks, and as of last Thursday, I hit that therapeutic dosage. However, now I need to get some blood work so they can check the med levels in my blood (we may have to increase the dosage due to that). And we'll also have to see how things are going for a little bit to determine whether or not the medication is working. I'd been thinking that things were going a bit better (although we also had a weekend away from the kids, in the mountains, over Martin Luther King Day Weekend), but then I haven't been doing so well since yesterday afternoon/evening, after having treatment earlier in the day. I guess I'm slightly, very slightly, doing better than I was right before bed last night. But so far today, it's been rather difficult to find something I actually want to do. And so I figured I'd try my blog, I guess.
I was asking Nasser this morning whether or not ECT has actually done anything for me. He thinks it has. He said that certain things that I've learned over the years in therapy I wasn't as willing to do/try before ECT. He thinks that ECT has made me more open to trying different things to make me better. (Today is one of those days though, where I just feel completely unwilling to listen to any of that, completely unwilling to try anything, etc. It's just a shitty day.)
I worry that I just, really can't do it. Can't be a parent, can't be a wife, can't be a daughter, can't be a sister, can't be a friend. I just utterly feel incapable of handling those roles. There are so many days I wish I didn't have this f*ing, life-crushing disease. People see me smile and assume that I'm totally better. So many people don't seem to understand that all of it is a process, a journey, that may never end, not until I hopefully die a natural death at an old age. I get good days, I get incredibly awful days, I got tons of, what my daily mood tracking app calls "meh" days.
I know I've been super negative this blog post so far. Here, I've got something more positive from ECT yesterday; it was in the waiting area.
Sometimes I remember that, and sometimes I don't. After seeing this and it speaking to me as it did, I think I'll be trying for this a bit more. We'll see how it goes.
I am continuing to read, as I was last month when I wrote. I had been re-reading the Harry Potter books, but silly me ended up re-reading them twice, in like a 3-4week period. It made sense in my head to do this, because after finishing the first re-read, I hadn't remembered all the story really. So I wanted to re-read it again, knowing everything.
Anyway, now I'm re-reading the Mistborn trilogy, by Brandon Sanderson. It's quite good, and I just started the second book. This one feels like a "reading it for the first time again" experience, which definitely feels weird sometimes.
And I'm re-watching Doctor Who, the re-launch seasons. Oh and on Tuesday, I was thinking I was getting into working out again, but then I haven't been able yet today to continue it. I expected not to workout out yesterday, due to treatment, but I wasn't expecting this depression to crash over me and prevent me from getting up from the couch. I guess we'll see what happens, what I'm able to accomplish, if anything.
I'm going to leave it there today, with the hope that next time I'll be a bit more positive.
It's been awhile since I last wrote a blog post. It's been over a month. And for me, that's a crazy long time.
I suppose there's several reasons I haven't written. There were the holidays which were certainly not on the easy side. At some point I felt like I couldn't remember what I'd written since starting ECT and I thought I had to re-read all of it. I still haven't accomplished that, but today I figured "what the hell?" And I've also been working on this new medication, ramping up process. So back at the beginning of December I talked about how we think I might be bipolar type II. And because of that, I've been trying a new mood stabilizer. Unfortunately it's been an 8-week process to get me to the therapeutic dosage. As Nasser put it at one point, it's been like I've been on nothing. We've been increasing the medication dosage a little bit every 2 weeks, and as of last Thursday, I hit that therapeutic dosage. However, now I need to get some blood work so they can check the med levels in my blood (we may have to increase the dosage due to that). And we'll also have to see how things are going for a little bit to determine whether or not the medication is working. I'd been thinking that things were going a bit better (although we also had a weekend away from the kids, in the mountains, over Martin Luther King Day Weekend), but then I haven't been doing so well since yesterday afternoon/evening, after having treatment earlier in the day. I guess I'm slightly, very slightly, doing better than I was right before bed last night. But so far today, it's been rather difficult to find something I actually want to do. And so I figured I'd try my blog, I guess.
I was asking Nasser this morning whether or not ECT has actually done anything for me. He thinks it has. He said that certain things that I've learned over the years in therapy I wasn't as willing to do/try before ECT. He thinks that ECT has made me more open to trying different things to make me better. (Today is one of those days though, where I just feel completely unwilling to listen to any of that, completely unwilling to try anything, etc. It's just a shitty day.)
I worry that I just, really can't do it. Can't be a parent, can't be a wife, can't be a daughter, can't be a sister, can't be a friend. I just utterly feel incapable of handling those roles. There are so many days I wish I didn't have this f*ing, life-crushing disease. People see me smile and assume that I'm totally better. So many people don't seem to understand that all of it is a process, a journey, that may never end, not until I hopefully die a natural death at an old age. I get good days, I get incredibly awful days, I got tons of, what my daily mood tracking app calls "meh" days.
I know I've been super negative this blog post so far. Here, I've got something more positive from ECT yesterday; it was in the waiting area.
Sometimes I remember that, and sometimes I don't. After seeing this and it speaking to me as it did, I think I'll be trying for this a bit more. We'll see how it goes.
I am continuing to read, as I was last month when I wrote. I had been re-reading the Harry Potter books, but silly me ended up re-reading them twice, in like a 3-4week period. It made sense in my head to do this, because after finishing the first re-read, I hadn't remembered all the story really. So I wanted to re-read it again, knowing everything.
Anyway, now I'm re-reading the Mistborn trilogy, by Brandon Sanderson. It's quite good, and I just started the second book. This one feels like a "reading it for the first time again" experience, which definitely feels weird sometimes.
And I'm re-watching Doctor Who, the re-launch seasons. Oh and on Tuesday, I was thinking I was getting into working out again, but then I haven't been able yet today to continue it. I expected not to workout out yesterday, due to treatment, but I wasn't expecting this depression to crash over me and prevent me from getting up from the couch. I guess we'll see what happens, what I'm able to accomplish, if anything.
I'm going to leave it there today, with the hope that next time I'll be a bit more positive.
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
carry on my wayward son for there'll be peace when you are done, lay your weary head to rest, don't you cry no more
Wednesday, 12/13/17, 8:44am
Well. I have not been writing much but that doesn't mean there hasn't been a fair amount going on. I'm doing... ok, but also waiting for a new medication to kick in. So you know, that's always, well, the waiting game. My treatments have gone back to once a week now, which feels a bit better on my brain. Going more often is definitely more taxiing.
I've lately been reading, a lot. That has been quite nice, I must say. Nasser thinks this is a sign that I'm doing better, because before I kept making excuses for not reading that my brain just wasn't doing well enough. Although I think really, for awhile there, I just wasn't interested in reading, maybe. Anyway, lately, I've been re-reading the Harry Potter books, which is a lot of fun. I'm currently on the 5th book, so going fairly quickly through them. They've been feeling great on the imagination, and honestly, there's a fair amount I don't really remember from reading them the first time.
I haven't been doing very much other than reading lately. I'm trying to keep my expectations lower for what I get done every day anyway, since that seems to be crucial to not having emotional break-downs. I'm still trying to fit in exercise sometimes, although I'm certainly not making it a daily expectation. I got in a super short run the other day, a bike ride several days before that. Today's a treatment day though, so no exercise planned today. Beforehand, I'm fasting, etc so I don't really want to make myself hungry or anything, and then afterward, I'm exhausted, cuz you know, I will have had a seizure.
I've actually been doing better, headache-wise, post treatments. One thing that helps, is my consumption of black coffee (which counts as a "clear liquid") the morning before treatment. (Because I'm clearly addicted to the caffeine). The other thing that helps, is after my treatment, while I'm recovering in the recovery area, waking up and all that, they give me a dosage of the really strong pain meds, as a preventative. And they tell me to take another dosage 4hrs later regardless of whether or not I have a headache, to keep preventing it. It's worth it. Cuz before, I'd have a headache through the entire next day post-treatment. And that sucks, big time. Gotta love the side effects of this treatment, right???
I told Nasser this morning that I keep having a lot of anxiety the mornings before treatment. He told me that when I was going through "acute" (3x a week treatments for a bunch of weeks) I got to a point where I stopped having the anxiety. It was a treatment day, and I was just like "eh, whatever". Hah. Although he thinks that was more due to the cognitive side effects of "acute" than anything else. Cuz really, I don't remember that phase much at all. Literally my memory of 5, up to probably 8 or so week of my life this summer is just gone. There's bits and pieces that I can kinda remember. But very, very little. It's a weird feeling, for sure, but also expected. Man, seizures, right?
In general though, since having this mini-acute phase for 2 weeks-ish, I think I've been better. If the reading is any indication I guess. But in my Daylio app, my mood-tracking app, it's been a lot of "good"s, fewer "meh"s, and much fewer "fugly"s or worse. Which is definitely nice. And I've been doing a better job of just keeping my expectations lower. I'm still going through difficult enough "maintenance" which treatment, and it's ok to lower expectations because of that.
It's weird to be going through this holiday season with treatment. I have done very, very little Christmas shopping, which normally I'd be more stressed about, but I'm not going to let myself go there. Nasser is going to help me a ton anyway, as I know to expect, haha. Honestly, he's been amazing through all of treatment. He makes dinner most days, he does most of the grocery shopping, he does bedtimes way, way more often than I even help, he's there to support me every single step of the way. Which is awesome. I mean, of course, he's working these days, that leave of absence he took from work only lasted so long, and was all of acute, so I don't even remember it much, damnit! But he certainly comes home early if needed, he gets me support in the neighborhood or from family if needed, he goes to all the important doctor appointments with me.
Sigh. I feel really lucky for all the support I have, that I have had through this entire treatment. I got an email from a choir member last night, asking how I'm doing and how treatment's going. I haven't been in choir this season, because of treatment, but it's so nice to be thought of. Some of the other neighborhood parents ask me how I'm doing at the bus stops in the afternoon. My parents are there to drive me, pick me up, take care of kids, support for everything on treatment days, and they did a ton for me in the transition between acute phase and maintenance phase, when I still needed 24/7 all the time. I get random calls from out-of-town friends sometimes, actually there's a local friend who sends me support texts every so often just cuz. My friends and family nearby, have done so much. All the support touches me beyond words, it makes me teary and shake from the amazing feeling it gives me. All the difficulty that this treatment is, how hard it is to go through all this, it all feels worth it when I see all the amazing, incredible support I have. All these wonderful people remind me of what I'm fighting for. (And I'm crying again!!)
I don't have much more to say today, this is going to be a shorter post, just hugs to everyone out there for all your own struggles. It's nice to have this blog as a way to just be honest about everything I go through, for myself in many ways, because it gives me an outlet, and I like being honest about how difficult mental illness is, also as a supportive bit to others going though it. It needs to be talked about more often, more honestly because there's still just so much awful stigma around it because people just don't get it.
Anyway, so long for know. Hopefully I'll start posting more often again soon.
Well. I have not been writing much but that doesn't mean there hasn't been a fair amount going on. I'm doing... ok, but also waiting for a new medication to kick in. So you know, that's always, well, the waiting game. My treatments have gone back to once a week now, which feels a bit better on my brain. Going more often is definitely more taxiing.
I've lately been reading, a lot. That has been quite nice, I must say. Nasser thinks this is a sign that I'm doing better, because before I kept making excuses for not reading that my brain just wasn't doing well enough. Although I think really, for awhile there, I just wasn't interested in reading, maybe. Anyway, lately, I've been re-reading the Harry Potter books, which is a lot of fun. I'm currently on the 5th book, so going fairly quickly through them. They've been feeling great on the imagination, and honestly, there's a fair amount I don't really remember from reading them the first time.
I haven't been doing very much other than reading lately. I'm trying to keep my expectations lower for what I get done every day anyway, since that seems to be crucial to not having emotional break-downs. I'm still trying to fit in exercise sometimes, although I'm certainly not making it a daily expectation. I got in a super short run the other day, a bike ride several days before that. Today's a treatment day though, so no exercise planned today. Beforehand, I'm fasting, etc so I don't really want to make myself hungry or anything, and then afterward, I'm exhausted, cuz you know, I will have had a seizure.
I've actually been doing better, headache-wise, post treatments. One thing that helps, is my consumption of black coffee (which counts as a "clear liquid") the morning before treatment. (Because I'm clearly addicted to the caffeine). The other thing that helps, is after my treatment, while I'm recovering in the recovery area, waking up and all that, they give me a dosage of the really strong pain meds, as a preventative. And they tell me to take another dosage 4hrs later regardless of whether or not I have a headache, to keep preventing it. It's worth it. Cuz before, I'd have a headache through the entire next day post-treatment. And that sucks, big time. Gotta love the side effects of this treatment, right???
I told Nasser this morning that I keep having a lot of anxiety the mornings before treatment. He told me that when I was going through "acute" (3x a week treatments for a bunch of weeks) I got to a point where I stopped having the anxiety. It was a treatment day, and I was just like "eh, whatever". Hah. Although he thinks that was more due to the cognitive side effects of "acute" than anything else. Cuz really, I don't remember that phase much at all. Literally my memory of 5, up to probably 8 or so week of my life this summer is just gone. There's bits and pieces that I can kinda remember. But very, very little. It's a weird feeling, for sure, but also expected. Man, seizures, right?
In general though, since having this mini-acute phase for 2 weeks-ish, I think I've been better. If the reading is any indication I guess. But in my Daylio app, my mood-tracking app, it's been a lot of "good"s, fewer "meh"s, and much fewer "fugly"s or worse. Which is definitely nice. And I've been doing a better job of just keeping my expectations lower. I'm still going through difficult enough "maintenance" which treatment, and it's ok to lower expectations because of that.
It's weird to be going through this holiday season with treatment. I have done very, very little Christmas shopping, which normally I'd be more stressed about, but I'm not going to let myself go there. Nasser is going to help me a ton anyway, as I know to expect, haha. Honestly, he's been amazing through all of treatment. He makes dinner most days, he does most of the grocery shopping, he does bedtimes way, way more often than I even help, he's there to support me every single step of the way. Which is awesome. I mean, of course, he's working these days, that leave of absence he took from work only lasted so long, and was all of acute, so I don't even remember it much, damnit! But he certainly comes home early if needed, he gets me support in the neighborhood or from family if needed, he goes to all the important doctor appointments with me.
Sigh. I feel really lucky for all the support I have, that I have had through this entire treatment. I got an email from a choir member last night, asking how I'm doing and how treatment's going. I haven't been in choir this season, because of treatment, but it's so nice to be thought of. Some of the other neighborhood parents ask me how I'm doing at the bus stops in the afternoon. My parents are there to drive me, pick me up, take care of kids, support for everything on treatment days, and they did a ton for me in the transition between acute phase and maintenance phase, when I still needed 24/7 all the time. I get random calls from out-of-town friends sometimes, actually there's a local friend who sends me support texts every so often just cuz. My friends and family nearby, have done so much. All the support touches me beyond words, it makes me teary and shake from the amazing feeling it gives me. All the difficulty that this treatment is, how hard it is to go through all this, it all feels worth it when I see all the amazing, incredible support I have. All these wonderful people remind me of what I'm fighting for. (And I'm crying again!!)
I don't have much more to say today, this is going to be a shorter post, just hugs to everyone out there for all your own struggles. It's nice to have this blog as a way to just be honest about everything I go through, for myself in many ways, because it gives me an outlet, and I like being honest about how difficult mental illness is, also as a supportive bit to others going though it. It needs to be talked about more often, more honestly because there's still just so much awful stigma around it because people just don't get it.
Anyway, so long for know. Hopefully I'll start posting more often again soon.
Friday, December 1, 2017
if you say this clear: I am enough for myself, I don't need anything else. I am enough for myself.
Sunday, 11/19/17, 2:11pm, 5:18pm; Friday, 11/24/17, 5:03pm; Friday, 12/01/17, 8:43am, 4:07pm
It's been... a little while since I last wrote. And part of the reason for that is... I haven't been doing quite as well. I did a bit better for almost a week there, then the majority has been crap again.
It's been really really frustrating. And it's kinda like a whole bunch of years of frustration all built up into a "why the hell am I not better already?" feeling. For awhile there after the ECT acute phase, I was saying this has been life changing, I'm finally finding relief from my depression. But then the last month/month and a half or so, I've been questioning all that. It's exhausting, discouraging, frustrating, incredibly disappointing.
We're at a point that things just seem to be pointing more and more to the possibility of bipolar type II, which looks just like depression and is misdiagnosed fairly often. We're now weaning me off the antidepressant I'm on (since we started wondering if the increased dosage might have actually made me worse, yet another sign for bipolar), and I'm starting to take a mood stabilizer, used for bipolar. Unfortunately this medication has a good 8-week ramp up to the full dosage, so it'll likely be awhile before it starts helping, you know, if it does. Because of that, we did decide to do a 3 ECT treatment burst, right after Thanksgiving, to hopefully jump-start my mood. And then I ended up adding the Monday and Wednesday before Thanksgiving as treatment days.
Man, I've even been rather good about working out every day, and it's incredibly frustrating to not be noticing any clear benefits from that. I feel like I used to get a nice high from working out; now why can't that be happening now, when it feels like I need it the most???
On a separate, happier note, the week that I was doing a little better, I got a really nice surprise one day when I opened the front door to go to the bus stop. There was a note waiting for me on the front porch... it was something that completely made my day, and probably several days after. And it still makes me tear up to re-read the note, and I've been wearing the bracelet every day since.
I like wearing a reminder every day that I am Enough. It's a good, daily reminder for me.
And now I've completed the burst of treatment- today's Friday and I had 3 treatments this week, 2 last week. Whew. It's been exhausting, and my brain is feeling all the taxiing effects. We decided to schedule the next one for next Wednesday, so not too long away, but hopefully a good amount of time to recover.
I've had a lot of help from neighbors and friends and family this week. Having 3 treatments in one week is a crap-ton of coordination for rides, care post-treatment. It's not easy.
It's been... a little while since I last wrote. And part of the reason for that is... I haven't been doing quite as well. I did a bit better for almost a week there, then the majority has been crap again.
It's been really really frustrating. And it's kinda like a whole bunch of years of frustration all built up into a "why the hell am I not better already?" feeling. For awhile there after the ECT acute phase, I was saying this has been life changing, I'm finally finding relief from my depression. But then the last month/month and a half or so, I've been questioning all that. It's exhausting, discouraging, frustrating, incredibly disappointing.
We're at a point that things just seem to be pointing more and more to the possibility of bipolar type II, which looks just like depression and is misdiagnosed fairly often. We're now weaning me off the antidepressant I'm on (since we started wondering if the increased dosage might have actually made me worse, yet another sign for bipolar), and I'm starting to take a mood stabilizer, used for bipolar. Unfortunately this medication has a good 8-week ramp up to the full dosage, so it'll likely be awhile before it starts helping, you know, if it does. Because of that, we did decide to do a 3 ECT treatment burst, right after Thanksgiving, to hopefully jump-start my mood. And then I ended up adding the Monday and Wednesday before Thanksgiving as treatment days.
Man, I've even been rather good about working out every day, and it's incredibly frustrating to not be noticing any clear benefits from that. I feel like I used to get a nice high from working out; now why can't that be happening now, when it feels like I need it the most???
On a separate, happier note, the week that I was doing a little better, I got a really nice surprise one day when I opened the front door to go to the bus stop. There was a note waiting for me on the front porch... it was something that completely made my day, and probably several days after. And it still makes me tear up to re-read the note, and I've been wearing the bracelet every day since.
It's all from a woman in my neighborhood who I had recently told about my illness and treatment and blog, and she was interested in reading the blog. And honestly, I never really know when I do share my blog with someone new, whether or not they'll actually read it. Or if they'll read one post and just be turned off to all of it. Just like how I never know if I tell someone new about my depression if it's just going to turn the conversation into awkward silence. Apparently my blog meant enough to this woman to write the kind kind words in the note and to pick up the lovely MantraBand for me.
I like wearing a reminder every day that I am Enough. It's a good, daily reminder for me.
And now I've completed the burst of treatment- today's Friday and I had 3 treatments this week, 2 last week. Whew. It's been exhausting, and my brain is feeling all the taxiing effects. We decided to schedule the next one for next Wednesday, so not too long away, but hopefully a good amount of time to recover.
I've had a lot of help from neighbors and friends and family this week. Having 3 treatments in one week is a crap-ton of coordination for rides, care post-treatment. It's not easy.
Tuesday, November 7, 2017
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed, I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby, what it all comes down to, is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine
Tuesday, 11/07/17, 10:10am, 12:52pm
Well, yesterday, and so far, today, have been a bit better than the last, well bunch of days. I had felt like I was stuck in this depressive rut for almost 2 weeks, but maybe (??) I'm coming out of it? I'm not gonna get my hopes up too much, cuz sometimes that causes a bigger crash downward, but I am going to hope a little. Yesterday I had several things go right: I succeeded in making butternut squash soup in the crockpot (booyah! cuz I haven't made dinner successfully in quite some time...), I biked to my friend's house and picked up food for us on my way over (hah, I spent quite a bit of time transferring the to go orders into some leak proof containers I had brought so that I could put them in my backpack. I think I lot of people at the restaurant were like "that biker weirdo", haha!), I enjoyed a really good lunch with my friend and got to have really good friend talking time and she let me let out a lot of the bad feelings from the past 2 weeks (such a good friend you guys, she just got out of the hospital end of last week after spending a week in it!), and then I biked home. The rest of the day I got a lot of "chill" time, both before and after the kids came home from school, but I think the combination of feeling really successful at several things plus getting some good exercise in plus friend time, was perfect.
This morning I was going to do a cycle/core fusion class at the Y, but didn't make it since Nasser and I still had to fill out our ballots this morning. I could have made it there late, but then we also got some snow (!!) last night so I would have been extra late with clearing off the car. Oh well.
I ended up doing a 20 minute "yoga for anxiety" video, which certainly didn't burn very many calories, but it was rejuvenating regardless. And I intend to do more of a workout later in the day if I can since I've got therapy at 11 this morning.
I want to share a couple quotes that have meant a lot to me recently...
Both these quotes showed up at the end of my mindfulness practice with that app, Calm, on different days of the "7 Days of Calm." I am liking that app, although I haven't yet started the "21 Days of Calm," after having finished the 7 Days. I think that might help me get into the habit more of mindfulness every.single.day. Cuz I probably need that.
You know, today, it turns out, is my "blogiversary." I've now had this blog for 2 full years, and published 192 blog posts. Yikes. That seems like a lot of posts to me, but whatever. I think this blog has been huge for me in a lot of ways. It's given me a place to write, and pour out feelings, and reflect about things, and learn how to become more open about my mental illness. I didn't share the blog openly right away, it took some time. But I do kinda feel like that Neil Gaiman quote, I often feel like I am exposing too much of my heart and mind, and I do often wonder if it's the right thing or right thing for me at least to be doing. I like the validation I get from that quote. Cuz there's still this inner part of me that feels very strongly that it is the right thing to be doing. But it questions the blog, often.
So the other thing that I think helped my mood, was on Sunday night, Nasser reflecting over several recent things that I did, despite my foul mood. In my last blog post, I was feeling really crappy and yet forced myself to create some "hope statements", which isn't necessarily something I could have done pre-ECT. On Sunday, we were walking with my sister and her family to a restaurant across the street from our house. On the way, Nasser made a comment to me that I took a lot of offense to and felt really triggered by. I was talking with him really angrily and talked about going back home and skipping the meal with everyone. I was actually incredibly triggered (this is more a reflection on my depression than me, or Nasser) and felt super down, but I forced myself to go and actually enjoy the lunch and enjoy the discussion with my sister and brother-in-law and ended up helping myself more in the long run than had I ran off to go home. There were a few other things that Nasser brought up on Sunday night in this conversation and hearing all that made a big difference in my overall mood, I think.
When we're discussing medication changes and the possibility of a 2-3 ECT treatment burst, it's easy to feel lost in these feelings of, "I'm as depressed as I've ever been" and it's hard to see that despite the down times right now, I'm still doing better than before. I'm doing better than just a few months ago. And that's still huge, and that's still something to feel good about.
Ok, so, this next part I'm writing later, after therapy. My therapist got me talking today about some of the things that seem to motivate me, rather than focusing on the things that I feel should motivate me but haven't been. It helped to get a list started- we were able to come to a conclusion of at least 2 things. 1. I might need to plan in at least an hour every day of "relational" time, so like get together with a friend or spend time messaging with friends or even spending time on facebook catching up on friends or talk to a friend on the phone, etc. and 2. I might need to plan on one "project" a week- whether it's something around the house like getting together a pile of baby donation stuff or maybe working on ideas for our basement finish project. It was really helpful to start thinking about, like, what do I really need as a part of each day to feel good? Exercise each day probably needs to be the third item, but I'm having some trouble figuring out what "expectation" to set on that. I've been trying to exercise every day since meeting with my doctors on Thursday, and so far I've done it except for Sunday, and today I still need to (like I'm not really counting the yoga for anxiety from this morning since it was mostly laying on the yoga mat). I need to be careful about planning the exercise thing as an expectation because I tend to have a lot of issues when I don't "meet my expectation" and it all compounds into a horrid depressive state of feeling like a failure and yet the state makes me continue to not meet the expectation and it all gets worse and worse.
So like today. I'm a little demotivated with exercise since I didn't get it in this morning. This happens a lot when I don't accomplish it in the morning. Somehow the afternoon and evening are much less motivating times for me to exercise. I'm not really ready to exercise right now since I just ate lunch and feel too full still. But then, I don't really have much time to get the exercise in before I have to leave for an appointment at the gastroenterology place. Oi. I'm going to tell you about my appointment even if you don't want to hear about it. This afternoon I've got a hemorrhoid banding, my second of three of these. Sounds fun, right? I, unfortunately, but not, like, life threatening or anything, have hemorrhoids. We're currently treating the internal ones with this rubber band ligation procedure. Basically the doctor sticks a probe up my butt, sucks at the hemorrhoid, and puts a tiny rubber band around it. This cuts off the blood flow to the hemorrhoid and after a few days or so it falls off. But we can only do one at a time. So I have 3 separate treatment times for this, spaced out a few weeks apart. Anyway, my point was, I have one today, and I don't expect to be interested in exercising afterward... last time my butt hurt a fair bit.
Alright, I'm going to be done writing for today, since I don't feel like I have much else to say, and I could use some free time before this appointment. I do want to say, thank you to my readers, those of you who've stuck with me these 2 years, and even if this is the first post you're reading. You're all awesome.
Well, yesterday, and so far, today, have been a bit better than the last, well bunch of days. I had felt like I was stuck in this depressive rut for almost 2 weeks, but maybe (??) I'm coming out of it? I'm not gonna get my hopes up too much, cuz sometimes that causes a bigger crash downward, but I am going to hope a little. Yesterday I had several things go right: I succeeded in making butternut squash soup in the crockpot (booyah! cuz I haven't made dinner successfully in quite some time...), I biked to my friend's house and picked up food for us on my way over (hah, I spent quite a bit of time transferring the to go orders into some leak proof containers I had brought so that I could put them in my backpack. I think I lot of people at the restaurant were like "that biker weirdo", haha!), I enjoyed a really good lunch with my friend and got to have really good friend talking time and she let me let out a lot of the bad feelings from the past 2 weeks (such a good friend you guys, she just got out of the hospital end of last week after spending a week in it!), and then I biked home. The rest of the day I got a lot of "chill" time, both before and after the kids came home from school, but I think the combination of feeling really successful at several things plus getting some good exercise in plus friend time, was perfect.
This morning I was going to do a cycle/core fusion class at the Y, but didn't make it since Nasser and I still had to fill out our ballots this morning. I could have made it there late, but then we also got some snow (!!) last night so I would have been extra late with clearing off the car. Oh well.
I ended up doing a 20 minute "yoga for anxiety" video, which certainly didn't burn very many calories, but it was rejuvenating regardless. And I intend to do more of a workout later in the day if I can since I've got therapy at 11 this morning.
I want to share a couple quotes that have meant a lot to me recently...
"Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again,
this time more intelligently."
-Henry Ford
"The moment that you feel, just possibly,
you are walking down the street naked,
exposing too much of your heart and your mind,
and what exists on the inside,
showing too much of yourself... That is the moment,
you might be starting to get it right."
-Neil Gaiman
"The moment that you feel, just possibly,
you are walking down the street naked,
exposing too much of your heart and your mind,
and what exists on the inside,
showing too much of yourself... That is the moment,
you might be starting to get it right."
-Neil Gaiman
Both these quotes showed up at the end of my mindfulness practice with that app, Calm, on different days of the "7 Days of Calm." I am liking that app, although I haven't yet started the "21 Days of Calm," after having finished the 7 Days. I think that might help me get into the habit more of mindfulness every.single.day. Cuz I probably need that.
You know, today, it turns out, is my "blogiversary." I've now had this blog for 2 full years, and published 192 blog posts. Yikes. That seems like a lot of posts to me, but whatever. I think this blog has been huge for me in a lot of ways. It's given me a place to write, and pour out feelings, and reflect about things, and learn how to become more open about my mental illness. I didn't share the blog openly right away, it took some time. But I do kinda feel like that Neil Gaiman quote, I often feel like I am exposing too much of my heart and mind, and I do often wonder if it's the right thing or right thing for me at least to be doing. I like the validation I get from that quote. Cuz there's still this inner part of me that feels very strongly that it is the right thing to be doing. But it questions the blog, often.
So the other thing that I think helped my mood, was on Sunday night, Nasser reflecting over several recent things that I did, despite my foul mood. In my last blog post, I was feeling really crappy and yet forced myself to create some "hope statements", which isn't necessarily something I could have done pre-ECT. On Sunday, we were walking with my sister and her family to a restaurant across the street from our house. On the way, Nasser made a comment to me that I took a lot of offense to and felt really triggered by. I was talking with him really angrily and talked about going back home and skipping the meal with everyone. I was actually incredibly triggered (this is more a reflection on my depression than me, or Nasser) and felt super down, but I forced myself to go and actually enjoy the lunch and enjoy the discussion with my sister and brother-in-law and ended up helping myself more in the long run than had I ran off to go home. There were a few other things that Nasser brought up on Sunday night in this conversation and hearing all that made a big difference in my overall mood, I think.
When we're discussing medication changes and the possibility of a 2-3 ECT treatment burst, it's easy to feel lost in these feelings of, "I'm as depressed as I've ever been" and it's hard to see that despite the down times right now, I'm still doing better than before. I'm doing better than just a few months ago. And that's still huge, and that's still something to feel good about.
Ok, so, this next part I'm writing later, after therapy. My therapist got me talking today about some of the things that seem to motivate me, rather than focusing on the things that I feel should motivate me but haven't been. It helped to get a list started- we were able to come to a conclusion of at least 2 things. 1. I might need to plan in at least an hour every day of "relational" time, so like get together with a friend or spend time messaging with friends or even spending time on facebook catching up on friends or talk to a friend on the phone, etc. and 2. I might need to plan on one "project" a week- whether it's something around the house like getting together a pile of baby donation stuff or maybe working on ideas for our basement finish project. It was really helpful to start thinking about, like, what do I really need as a part of each day to feel good? Exercise each day probably needs to be the third item, but I'm having some trouble figuring out what "expectation" to set on that. I've been trying to exercise every day since meeting with my doctors on Thursday, and so far I've done it except for Sunday, and today I still need to (like I'm not really counting the yoga for anxiety from this morning since it was mostly laying on the yoga mat). I need to be careful about planning the exercise thing as an expectation because I tend to have a lot of issues when I don't "meet my expectation" and it all compounds into a horrid depressive state of feeling like a failure and yet the state makes me continue to not meet the expectation and it all gets worse and worse.
So like today. I'm a little demotivated with exercise since I didn't get it in this morning. This happens a lot when I don't accomplish it in the morning. Somehow the afternoon and evening are much less motivating times for me to exercise. I'm not really ready to exercise right now since I just ate lunch and feel too full still. But then, I don't really have much time to get the exercise in before I have to leave for an appointment at the gastroenterology place. Oi. I'm going to tell you about my appointment even if you don't want to hear about it. This afternoon I've got a hemorrhoid banding, my second of three of these. Sounds fun, right? I, unfortunately, but not, like, life threatening or anything, have hemorrhoids. We're currently treating the internal ones with this rubber band ligation procedure. Basically the doctor sticks a probe up my butt, sucks at the hemorrhoid, and puts a tiny rubber band around it. This cuts off the blood flow to the hemorrhoid and after a few days or so it falls off. But we can only do one at a time. So I have 3 separate treatment times for this, spaced out a few weeks apart. Anyway, my point was, I have one today, and I don't expect to be interested in exercising afterward... last time my butt hurt a fair bit.
Alright, I'm going to be done writing for today, since I don't feel like I have much else to say, and I could use some free time before this appointment. I do want to say, thank you to my readers, those of you who've stuck with me these 2 years, and even if this is the first post you're reading. You're all awesome.
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